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Eating... Help me please.
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Well, I went for a really long run yesterday, felt terrible for the rest of the day. I don't know why, running seems to do that to me sometimes. Probably because the only reason I'm doing it is so I don't get fat. So it's like a chore. I didn't get the runner's high and I hated every minute of it
Anyway, if you want a bad day, take me - I did a really stupid thing by taking two laxative tablets on Saturday night, to ensure that 'things' were working and in theory I would be able to enjoy my food more on Sunday!!! The result, no sleep on Saturday night through worry and diarrhoea on Sunday to such an extent that I did not enjoy the food anyway. It was boiled mutton (apologies to veggies out there) with caper sauce and vegetables (potatoes, cabbage, peas and runner beans - all of which bar the peas were fresh from the garden) followed by strawberry cheesecake (with homegrown strawberries). Now that should have been lovely, but I did not enjoy one minute of it, and wished that I had been running in the morning. I wasn't even able to enjoy the Doctor Who repeat on BBC3 yesterday evening and so fed up was I that I went to sleep at 9pm.
So don't stress, we all have bad days, some of us inflict them upon outselves
Cottage cheese, lettuce and cheese sandwich
2 egg custards (bad enough just having one!)
Muller corner yogurt
Packet of crisps
Bowl of Frosties with milk
1 Weetabix with milk and sugar
1/2 a cereal bar
Few dried dates
I feel totally horrible and can't focus on anything. I don't want to throw up - I hate doing that. I need to run, but I'm due at uni soon to get some mitigation stuff sorted out and wont be home until at least 6ish. I'm gonna be an anxious wreck until then! I'm so full, I feel like my stomach will burst or something. I hate feeling like this. I was so anxious as I was eating that I didn't even let myself think about the consequences beforehand. I ate enough bad stuff yesterday at a family meal - too much dessert. I just feel awful. It sucks
tomorrow is another one
hang on in there
you had the stress of uni to think about
today is a fresh start
you cannot compare one day to another and nor should you
keep going we all have bad days
Phew, I'll get there in the end
I have a choice really. I either carry on letting running take over, or I stop altogether and concentrate on having a baby. Because having a baby isn't gonna happen whilst I'm a runner. I'm meant to be in my fertile time at the moment, and I'm getting absolutely no ovulation symptoms at all. I know that running is the culprit and I can't do it anymore. I need to put running in the past and family in the future (starting now!).
Am I talking crazy or do you think I'm right?
x
As I am male, I cannot say from a female viewpoint which is more important, but I would suspect from your previous posts that you feel having a baby is - and if you feel the need to go 'cold turkey' then you will have to go 'cold turkey'.
Although I tend to have the awful diarrhoea symptoms post run I think I have got them under control with judicious dietary choices and therefore are able to cope with it as a part of everyday running. Its still unpleasant but something I live with. In your position though it sounds as though the sensible choice is to can the running and concentrate on getting yourself well - running can come or go later as you feel right.
Now, am I talking sense?
Giving up totally is hard if it helps keep you sane at the same time as driving you to despair. Is there something else you could do instead of running so you get exercise and a feel good factor but without running. Something like ashtange yoga is great. Fast, strong, gets sweaty but also gives you a real appreciation of what your body can do. I started doing yoga 3 years ago and haven't looked back.. Helps physically get the tension of out my body. Swimming? Gym classes are good as they have a set duration so you've got to stop when the music ends!
Things will get better....
Yes, I am off to Indonesia to meet my boyfriend who is travelling. I won't have seen him for 4 months by then. Ha ha - him leaving for a year after we'd been lviing together nearly tipped me over the edge (I can't afford to go as spent my 20s in financial crisis due to all the money I spent on food and am repaying my debts now - what a waste). But for the first time i have had a major trauma to deal with and have come through it without numbing myself in an unhealthy way.
What other things do you like to do? It helps to have alittle list of things you can do when you're feeling tense. Things liek go for a walk, phone a friend, do a pedicure. I knwo it all seems a bit trite sometimes but when you feel bad it's an urge and teh urge does pass and then you can hear your rational self better.
Chin up. Sending you vibes....
X
I personally think that you need some more expert support than you can get here. I'm sure that this forum has been really helpful so I don't want to knock it but it seems that you would benefit from some counselling or psychotherapy. Check out the BACP website (just google BACP) - you can find local counsellors and also low-cost if need be.
Good luck and remember to be proud that you are addressing your issues and reaching out to people xx
Thanks for the words of support, everybody. I know I can't go on running like I am. I'll let you know how I go on with other exercises...
x
x
x
p.s. Have a good holiday, Cheshire Cat.
I suppose my eating and weight worries came about through work stress rather than anything else, but as it is commonly perceived to be only an issue for 'girls' then guys don't always get the support they might. Thanks for your concern - I hope things get better too
Have a good holiday
think finding that out will give you th key to changing everything x
Perhaps you are running from the stress of uni or from trying to get pregnant? I don't know-only you can work that out but I think as Tizzy says its important that you try to figure it that.
So I struggled to get help for a long time because I kept trying to change the situations that were causing me stress and low self esteem - different job, different relationship, another qualification etc etc but it never really helped as it wasn't so much the situations but how I RESPONDED to them.
Does this make sense? I still have as much stress as before but I htink about it and myself differently so it doesn't matter if things aren't perfect (I know they needn't be) and I see my own actions differently and give myself credit for what I achieve or just trying sometimes.
The baby thing is amazing but you'll be more than just a mother and it's worth continuing to care for yourself as an individual by looking after yourself too.
Do you think I'll still have the running and eating issues after I've had a baby? I think because I'll be putting someone else's needs before my own all the time, the focus will shift from me. I saw a counsellor for a few months the past winter and she said she thought that having a baby would help me get better with my eating/exercise obsessions.
Anyway, I'm putting on weight at the moment, and I'm not responding in quite the destructive way that I used to, so I can definitely feel myself getting further towards being right. I'm so much better than I used to be. And I've been trying hard simply because I want to be a mother
It was the exercise in the books that sorted me out I think. I often felt like i knew this stuff already and then I realised that I didn't practice what I preached and didn't apply positive ways of thinking to myself. In group therapy they literally made us take one chapter a week which seemed endless but they said we needed to spend the week practicing the exercise and applying it. It IS like homework but, with hindsight, it was worth it.
Could you try getting more counselling as it does take weeks fo the stuff but I tied the talking stuff and it didn't help. The CBT really practically gave me something to do, apply and learn. It is hard to do it yourself though (((summerrain)))
Determination is good!
I'm no expert- and I don't want to be negative or "mean" and I certainly don't want to offend- But, reading your posts about wanting a child and believing that this will give you the self esteem you need are really concerning me.
Like I said, I'm no expert, but my gut feeling is that being a mum won't make those feelings go away.- but it will make you more tired and more stressed, and you'll feel more guilty if things get out of control.
If it was me.- I'd want to work on feeling better about myself before I became a mum rather than relying on it to make me feel better.
Summerrain..you need some proper counselling to sort out the real issues you haveo and build on your self esteem....you have to be able to care of yourself before you can consider taking care of a helpless baby .. I am surprised a counsellor suggested using a baby as a means to an end to be honest...yes it does help to have someone else to consider BUT only if it has happened naturally surely..not as a deliberate ..will it wont it cure ! what if it doesnt help ?
I can only comment from personal experience about my problems. When I left work, I thought that would be the end of the stress, and whilst it was the end of the work related stress, the complete change back to being a student and living at home created their own unique stresses. Subsequently, for some time I used and it has to be said abused running and food. It is only recently that I think I have begun to accept that it is my reactions to the stresses that are important. For example, when I get stressed now, I am more likely to write my stresses down in my diary than I am to take it out unnecessarily on my body by running. If I do feel particularly stressed, I might try a spot of extremely brutal weeding or something in the garden!
Yes running still plays its part and though a stressor, is much less so than before.
So Summerrain - I do not necessarily think that stopping running and having a baby is the whole solution. Won't you simply be stressed by the baby, rather than the running or you weight issues? Are you not in danger of simply replacing one obsession with another (as important as it is to be concerned about your baby). Shouldn't your lifestyle (running etc) go hand-in-hand with your baby (though not to prioritise)