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  • Sorry Vixo. That was unnecessary of me. I am being tormented by this. If you want to try and get a bit more insight you could read this. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1346613-Should-I-ignore-my-mums-comments-to-my-DS-when-they-make-my-blood-run-cold-long-sorry

    The MN harpies have a different view obviously. But this catalogues my concerns as I started it back in November after a visit from my parents and the way they talked to j. There is quite a lot in here in the posts in the last few days which explaIns why I can't just talk to my parents. I am not sure that I buy in to the MN mantra (f%#^ the bastards) but there is a lot of wisdom and the message is unanimous.

    Again I apologise Vixo.
  • CM none of us doubt you at all.  Did you say it happened in Devon?  I thought you did in which case I am surprised that they did a cross force referral and so quickly in order to have someone attend at your house.  I don't mean that from a doubting perspective - I wonder more what they are not saying than what they are.  J's reaction worries me too - it suggests he's seen it before from your mum and dad and so it didn't faze him.  I think the short answer is as Vixo says  - if you can't trust them, then you can't leave the kids with them.  You don't get a lot of support (understatement) from them anyway so it sounds as though from a purely practical perspective it won't make a lot of difference to you. 

    We used to get hit on occasion and I remember dodging a belting from a slipper once which backfired horribly as I barricaded myself in my (first floor) room and had to come out sometime.  But I honestly think the emotional abuse of being told you're useless/should never have been born is far worse than the odd skelp.  I hit Lou sometimes - usually a slap on the thigh or arm and usually out of temper on my part.  Not proud of it but it's generally when she's working herself into hysterics and it shocks her enough to stop screaming and then I can give her a hug and we can move on.   However I would never ever tell her that she's a waste of space or such like.  Actually I would hate to think anyone said that sort of thing to her and if I were you I'd be concerned about your folks saying stuff like that to J and E because there's no physical evidence of that, just a total undermining of their confidence.

    Apologies if any of that is patronising or lacks understanding CM - but it is true that for anyone who has NOT been through it then it is hard to imagine.  I absolutely do not know what i would do.  Hopefully the counsellor can help you work through it all and help you make a decision.

    Well I stayed awake today.  Just.  Trying to psych myself into the 10 miler which I think I am going to do on the tready.  Hells teeth it's going to be awful. But it's blowing a gale and I've only got indoor kit with me so I'd have to go home and then I end up at the top of the hill again and I run out of places to go in the dark. Better go and do it.

  • more x posts!
  • CM - If it was me and one of my parents had smacked Martha or Aidan then I'd be raging, especially if I ended up hearing about it from the police. If it were me I'd withdraw the birthday invite and if they don't understand why you are upset then its about them and their problems.

    Ha, I'm slightly dreading asking Martha if she wants Olivia at her party as she might suddenly come up with a whole other guest list! When I asked her who she was yesterday she was pretty blank until she finally said - Oh, she's the new girl. Sounds like the don't really do the same days at play school. Fortunately a few people on her guest list already can't make it; Charlie and Lola, Peso, Kwazii, Tweak, Rastamouse, Abney, Teal.... otherwise we would have a very full house!!

    Caro - I know what you mean about family although my Mum has done some rather mental things in her time which definitely make life difficult, she was a nightmare in the run up to our wedding to be honest.
    Saying that though we are seeing her on Saturday for lunch and my Grandpa too (safety in numbers!!).

    MM - I think pivot tables should be quite easy if someone can show you how - I havn't used excel for ages so I can't remember what you need to do either!
  • EF - thanks. It happened in Devon at 1230 on fri. The policeman who came to my house on sat night said he had called the previous night but that I hadn't been home. Which means that they called within a few hours of the report being made. Whilst it may be odd to you that this all happened and was reported, my folks were quite happy to admit that they did it and would do it again. And from my perspective someone (over reacting or not) called the police about what my parents did to my kids. Whether I think that is a normal thing to do or not, they did it. I have to take that as a serious warning.

    J has seen that behaviour before. My ex nanny told me that my mum had completely lost it with j and screamed at him and dragged him upstairs when I was working one day back in the summer of 2010. I don't know whether he remembers that. I have probably smacked the kids on their legs a couple of times each when totally exasperated and immediately felt hideously guilty and cried myself. It is not behaviour my parents have ever seen me do in front of them so it isn't like they are copying my disciplinary techniques.

    Worryingly mum then also said that they had shouted at her and got looks while I was in a sports shop with J on thurs morning. She was stropping about not wanting to walk.
  • No i absolutely agree it is a serious warning because the police did react so quickly. That was more my point. Sorry on move now typing crossing rd!
  • I meant the same as EF but obviously expressed it less well - amazed that they responded so fast if the situation was as described. It seems as though there must be more to it - although not sure what.

    Is N with you CM? Hopefully he can be some support for you, even if he can't help make the decisions about the children. I'm sorry too, that you felt I was having a go at you - I wasn't, and didn't mean it to come across like that.
  • Epic fail on the ten mile tempo in the gym. Was just dying. Eventually i covered 5miles ie 8km but stopped three times and changed tready twice to a cooler part of gym. Stopped and lay down for a bit. Tried to renegotiate with myself both major stops - just do 2 x 5 km but only managed a km so tried to agree 3 x 3km and again stopped after 1km. Felt like i was hitting the wall! I guess i am tired after another day in court listening and noting and worse not being able to eat or drink so totally starving and dehydrated. Bugger.

    So....do i try again to do the 10miles on Friday or do i try to do a five mile tempo tomorrow before pt? Or do i write it off?
  • thanks vixo. i don't think there was anything else to it but i can't be sure. when the policeman turned up, he was hugely reassuring and told me that i had absolutely nothing to worry about and that nothing further would happen. i double checked whether the HV etc would be told. he said no, as he had no concerns about the children's welfare. the person who reported them was allegedly a doctor - so whether it was done with a professional hat on, i don't know. perhaps he/she felt they couldn't observe that and not say something. i can't think of any doctors that my parents know who would have a grudge against them. the thing that i am confused about is how i end up with a record relating to a criminal matter on my file (even if it is closed with no action being taking) when i wasn't even present - JUST because my car was being driven. and my parents' details weren't even taken...

    N isn't here at the moment but he will be back tomorrow. he will be around on saturday when i go to the counsellor and has said he would come with me if i wanted him to. he will also be around when i have the conversation with my parents.  the birthday party and theme park isn't until 3 / 4 march, so if i make my decision this weekend and tell them, it gives them a whole week's notice. slight problem is that i left a library book in plymouth accidentally and i need it back from them. if i tell them that they are not seeing their grandchildren, i won't get that back so will have to talk to the library and pay for it presumably.

    i'm sorry for taking your post the wrong way, vixo. i am so hideously fragile right now. have sat in a meeting all afternoon and all that has been playing in my mind is an image of E, naked from the waist down, screaming, having wet herself and been smacked, sitting on a stone at the bus stop. and then screaming so much she made herself sick. image when i got home from my run, i went up to check on her and she was asleep, naked (under her covers). i asked if mum had washed her off if she had been sick / weed herself and she said 'no'. i thought that was rather mean at the time - even if she had been screaming, i would have washed her. so i guess she was hauled up the stairs naked and dumped in bed, having had her sick-encrusted clothes stripped off her.image

  • EF - that is what i am like all the time with hard runs. i try to bargain with myself and usually lose... but 10 miles on the treadmill would have been a long shot anyway... if you do 10 on friday, do you need to do another really long one at the weekend?
  • 13 this wkend. It's an "easy" week!
  • It strikes me as odd too CM that they didn't want your folks' details. I mean you clearly won't have matched the description given. Either that or the whole purpose was purely and simply to alert you to an issue with your folks rather than do anything about it.

    Well i was a bit peckish on bus so have eaten nectarine, apple, yogurt covered fruit flakes and a granola bar and all i can think is what can i have for tea!
  • Trying to read back but so much so can't keep up!
    CM that sounds absolutely horrific and I can see why you are tormented. We are estranged from my husbands mother which I have to say made moving across the world easier! She is a vicious woman (with a tough past to be fair) and hubby doesn't want her negative influence in our lives any more. I used to try and convince him to reconcile as I couldn't understand how anyone could want no contact like that but after more 'episodes' I now completely support him. We contacted her to see if she wanted to meet Matilda just after she was born and it took 4 months (2 weeks before we moved to NZ) to get back to us despite being a 20 min train ride away. Anyway not the same situation but big hugs to you - you come across as very brave and strong despite what you might think so hang in there.

    Congratulations Caro!! Sounds like it was pretty quick in the end. Pipes not what you need at all - hope they are sorted and you are cuddling up with Eric (cute name!) and Matilda.

    Went to a playgroup yesterday as I thought Matilda needed some play time with other kids - she loved it although seems to like the big kids more than the ones her age. One other 7 month baby but he was lying on mat and she is starting to cruise round furniture so wasn't interested. She was so happy though and lovely to see her enjoying everything. I feel bad that she hasn't had this sort of thing for 2 1/2 months but I guess had lots of other experiences. Another playgroup closer to home tomorrow and then my parents come up to visit. We are settling in well. Hubby got job which is a relief. Crap pay and crap hours but a start and he will look for something better but at least we have some money coming in! I am in the library supposed to be writing my CV and a job application. Hubby back in an hour and not started - whoops!! Better get going. Fingers crossed we should have internet from home tomorrow!!!

    PS I WILL GO RUNNING!!!!!

  • I can vouch for CM being a lovely person. Very generous, very caring and I love meeting up with you. You are as strong as an ox, so do not be afraid and keep talking.

    Hoggle your  MIL sounds awful...

    Spoke with Daddy over Skype which cheered up the kids no end. Sophie was a bit taken a back but soon started chatting...

    Early night for me I think, a little more reading then bed image...

  • Caro - congratulations on Eric! Always nice to have familial history in the names. Hope you're doing OK and that the bathroom back in order??

    CM - (( )) Try to stay strong and am sure counsellor will help you on the road to getting things straight in your head about what you want to do. Can't imagine how difficult this is for you, but echo others on here that neither you or your children ever have been or ever will be a waste of space.

    Waves to everyone else - hope you're all well ladies!

  • thanks, MM. very flattered. image it is easy to be nice when you are around because you, your hubby and your kids are lovely too!

    hoggle - i remember you writing a bit about hubby's mum. at least it's not such a problem now - you have the perfect excuse not to meet up.

    i have never had much of a tie to my family.  my mother was estranged from her mother and father, and therefore the rest of her family too. my father has nothing to do with his sister, and his brother and parents are dead. he wasn't close to them either.  his sister's family includes the alcoholic cousin whose children have been taken off her and are now being cared for by my aunt. the kids are so sweet though, but you can tell the little girl's self esteem is shot to pieces. she is only 8. i got together with my counsins and the kids when i was in plymouth, and i was talking to the 8 yr old on friday and one of the first things she said to me was 'you know my mummy drinks, don't you?'.  it was almost as if she was saying 'please don't like me, because i am not nice because my mummy is an alcoholic'.  mum and dad both look down on his sister's family, i think. they don't work, are on benefits, all smoke etc. they are clearly not reputable people.  my parents on the other hand... image

  • Am suspecting hunger may have been primary problem.  I do like my food and I generally eat a lot.  Today I had brekky, latte and scone pre court to fuel me for the whole morning, then sausage panini style thingy in Starbucks with another latte, a wee creme egg and some water and that was it.  I know to some of you that is a lot but to me it is sod all! Nor was it particuarly sensible food to fuel a fast run.  Since then I have demolished the above noted food (see earlier post) as well as two tuna fishcakes with salad, a shape chocolate dessert and half a pack of Eric the Elephants (think Percy pigs but elephants!).  So now I am totally sugared up.  Should head out now!

    Hoggle your MIL sounds awful.  Glad hubby got a job.

    MM what happened to your post on my status in FB?  I commented back then both our posts vamooshed!

    I have never used Skype.  don't even know what it is or how you dial the other person - clearly dial is not going to be the right word!  But then I still "tape" things on the V+ box  image

    MR I hope your big toe is OK.  REST tomorrow!  I miss intervals - miss the chat.  I need to come back but I'm too scared not to follow the schedule.  This is what is bugging me about tonight.  I haven't done what it said on the tin so I feel I need to do it again.  BUT I know that I ran 7 slow miles on Monday and that I will do PT tomorrow so my options are either to run again on Fri and try to do either the balance of my 10 miler or the whole thing followed by a 13 mile run on Saturday or else I write it off and just do the 13 on Sat.  Hmm.  Or I suppose I do the 10 on Fri night, take Sat off and do the run on Sunday but I did want to get it out of the way on Sat. 

    Think I might just go to bed.  BTW where can you buy basic massage oil?  Trying to get Andy to see to my legs - can't afford proper massage but anything is helping and I thought oil might assist even more.

  • That's a shame about your cousin's wee girl CM.  It breaks my heart to hear things like that. At 8 you should not be having to deal with stuff like that. 
  • Help I'm at the my boobs are going to explode stage! Anyone got a spare baby? He's so sleepy, I've been waking him every 3 hrs but even so, he still falls asleep on the boob all the time. I have expressed a bit, but even though they are so full I only got 1 oz off each side so not much relief. I need a Hoover baby, but he is anything but at the moment. Any tips?
  • Oh dear, hugs all round again!
    I'm another b) vote CM. You need to control the situation so you don't expose yourself or your children to risks (emotional & physical). Your mums history may explain her behaviour but does not make it acceptable. perhaps a letter which explains you are willing to maintain a relationship with them but only if they promise never to hit or abuse you or your children ever again. If you feel you need your parents approval then think again, read your past posts and remember you have fought hard for what you have and you CANNOT put it in jeopardy by giving them an inch. We are all behind you 100% and although support online is perhaps a bit weird I can assure you I think about you every single day xxxx
    Just had 2 movicol for supper so going to get some sleep while it 'settles'.......
  • MM - I love a pivot table, did one just today! Good luck for tomorrow.

    EF - yep, definitely sounds like you just didn't have the fuel to do a 10 miler. When I run at lunchtimes I try and make sure I have a banana about an hour before I go, otherwise I'm starving and have no energy. If I were you I'd write off today's 10 miler altogether and concentrate on doing a good 13 this weekend - but what do I know? I'll shut up and let the experts advise you ... MM?

    CM - looks like I'm in the minority edging towards an a) vote. But it doesn't sound like you're curently getting anything constructive from your relationship with your parents, no support, no help, no consideration, and you've said yourself you don't feel that tied to your family. Yes, in an ideal world we would all have a relationship with supportive and understanding parents but unfortunately it doesn't sound like yours fit the pattern and that is totally their fault and not yours so if you do decide that you're better of without them (which I suspect you may be) don't beat yourself up over it, just try and move on. Sounds like Hoggle's hubby has had to do something similar and it is sad that it might come to that but don't ever forget this is all their doing for treating you and your children so badly.

    Hoggle - congrats on hubby's new job, bet that's a relief. Good luck with that CV!

    Caro - I had the same thing with Anna, resorted to wiping cotton wool soaked in a bit of cold water on her face to wake her up (yes I know, I'm a wicked mummy), but she was sleeping so much I was worried she was hardly having any milk.

    Poorly cat went to the vet today. Turns out the claw on her front paw had grown so long that it had gone all the way round to the pad bit on the toe (do cat's even have toes?) and had started growing into it! Vet had to cut the end of the claw off and pull it out - lots of blood and a hole in her toe pad thingy now. But on the plus side that was all there was to it so just a £71 bill which included the antibiotics and steroid injections and they've given us some stuff to bathe her paw in for the next week. I thought cost wasn't too bad but sure Caro will let me know if I've been ripped off image.

    Right, bed time for me - goodnight all.

  • Just a quickie, wanted to wish MM the best of luck with her interview.
  • Good luck MM! 

    Have decided to do my 13 miler on Sat and try and do 10 of that at tempo pace.  a compromise.  the ridiculous thing is I think I have been doing all my long runs at the supposedly long tempo pace as I said before so I should probably just chill about yesterday's screw up.

  • Good luck MM, I saw last night on QI that job interviews are won/ lost within the 1st 12 seconds so flash your smile as you go in (or your boobs) and you'll be a winner!
    Much better this morning..... Phew.
  • Or lack of Camlo!! image Smile it will have to be!!

    You could do a very easy 5 EF instead of 10 that way you've not missd a run and then concentrate on hitting pace on your 13 miler.

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