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Corporate pants
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Can I have a whinge?
Can I just say what a load of pants is talked in the corporate world. At the moment its all very touchy feely, talking "words" about the need to recognise that people need balance in their lives, need to spend more time with their families, need not to have a heart attack at work......
.........and then.....
Got to work 'smarter'.
Got to downsize.
Got to delayer.
Read - get rid of a load of people and work the nuts off the ones that you are retaining.
I'm a boss, so a lot of the pure rubbish I can avoid - but nobody is expendable these days - people tell me I am the most diplomatic person they have ever met but its REALLY hard trying to be considerate when someone is being an ar5e and you know you just want to tell that person to go stuff and THEY know you want to tell them to go stuff but you can't do it.
What really bugs everyone else?
Rant over - I'm looking forward to my run tonight!
Can I just say what a load of pants is talked in the corporate world. At the moment its all very touchy feely, talking "words" about the need to recognise that people need balance in their lives, need to spend more time with their families, need not to have a heart attack at work......
.........and then.....
Got to work 'smarter'.
Got to downsize.
Got to delayer.
Read - get rid of a load of people and work the nuts off the ones that you are retaining.
I'm a boss, so a lot of the pure rubbish I can avoid - but nobody is expendable these days - people tell me I am the most diplomatic person they have ever met but its REALLY hard trying to be considerate when someone is being an ar5e and you know you just want to tell that person to go stuff and THEY know you want to tell them to go stuff but you can't do it.
What really bugs everyone else?
Rant over - I'm looking forward to my run tonight!
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Comments
you're dead right. I work in IT and its full of buzz words and jargon a la :-
'lets take this off line here and talk about it later'
'we need to refocus' = we messed up first time and need to have another go
'we're undergoing a restructuring exercise' = who can we make redundant
'we must fully utilise our resources' = make sure we flog our workforce to death
'take some new ideas to market' = get people to buy stuff from us
'this is a great opportunity' = I'm giving you something really nasty to do that everyone else has successfully avoided.
'we're all stakeholders in the success of this project' = if it goes wrong we all carry the can, if it goes right it was all down to me
On my last project the phrase work smarter was uttered at least once or twice a day by the management when what they meant was we've got to cram more than 24 hours in the day!
Don't even get me started on company 'values'. Sheesh....
Anyway, I used to write grant proposals for a large and famous NYC music hall - we had to make up an entire 'family concerts' programme series, just to court the public funding and show that we were 'giving back to the community'. 'Underserved' audiences and all. Underserved = ghetto where people don't care about classical music. We of the lower eschelons were expected to work unpaid overtime on the weekends to 'chaperone' these groups when they came to a concert. Strangely enough, I was never that good at finding any of these 'underserved' groups, and hence never had to 'chaperone'.
Ugh, say no more about it! All of the code-worded drivel I had to churn out. And being forced to staff the special events parties for the major donours - ha! Feeling hateful pity for the 'ladies who lunch' was only ever half a consolation though.
To allieviate boredom in meetings/briefings , I'd sometimes to play bulls**t bingo, seeing how many times certain phrases cropped up like, 'TOUCHING BASE', 'GETTING OUR DUCKS LINED UP', 'PUSHING THE ENVELOPE', 'SINGING FROM THE SAME HYMN-SHEET', etc etc.
Generally it took about 5 minutes to get a 'House'!
Just a few words to add to the bull list:
"Synergy" - who can we boot out.
"Gap analysis" - we didn't boot enough people out.
"strategic fit" - lets get rid of all the people who don't agree.
"win-win" - I win.
"Leverage" - Work the remaining buggers harder.
"mindset" - agree or your sacked.
"results driven" - if you don't reach a ridiculously ambitious target your sacked.
'We are allowing selected individuals the chance to seek opportunities outside the business'
i.e. get yer coat yer p45's in the post!
'family oriented business' = see your family some weekends
'some travel may be necessary' = live in a hotel during the week for the next 6 months
'go getting individual' = slimy toady person who'll stab everyone in the back to climb one place
'empowerment' = give my subordinates half of my work so I can go and play golf
Quickly became known as the Brown Nose Bonus.
It would be funny if it wasn't all so true.....
About acronyms, some years ago I was project manager (God knows who dared make the decision to give the job to a mere User) for a system installation and was given a little room plan by the contractor full of ACD ISDN 100XZq&*( etc. and also a new one on me - TABLE. I pondered this briefly with a colleague until we were enlightened - it was in fact the table on which the thing would be stationed. IT speak is truly blinding...
unix geek head on now
About 8 years ago, I was given carte blanche to submit an advertisement for a new partner to the medical press. It included, "If your CV includes the word 'facilitator', you need not apply." The boss sucked his teeth over it, but we appointed a splendid partner (not Lay-Zee-Boy - he's the boss, unfortunately) with no touchy-feely skills whatsoever but a wonderful attitude to work and a head full of medical knowledge.
It's got worse since then. Three years ago I did a diploma in diabetes care. The entire taught part of the course and most of the assignments revolved around people's perceptions of diabetes and issues like stigma and attitudes to chronic disease - not a squeak about things like how and when to change someone's treatment from pills to insulin, which was about the one thing my practice nurse and I wanted to learn.
Student feedback can be a minefield because we're only supposed to be constructive. I can't do that terribly well, and work on the principle that if I give them a dose of Anne Robinsonisms when they've clearly done their homework on the bus, the compliments which I also throw around liberally will actually mean something.
The good news is that the Campaign for Plain English is currently seeking submissions for its annual most impenetrable jargon award. So send all your best examples off now!
Our favorite at the moment in "Dovetail"
Evil Pixie totally agree about the TLA problem in IT. Some of the real techies use it as a technique to make it to make themselves sound far more knowledgable and intelligent than they actually are.
Don't you all just hate the way e-mail at work has taken the place of getting off your butt and walking round the corner to talk to the person over there?
Used to make silly messages flash up on Lay-Zee-Boy's terminal till I realised that he has no sense of humour whatsoever.
Workstations crash because of incompatible software - "show stopper".
To me, a Show Stopper would be a huge cake wheeled into our bay and a semi-clad lady jumps out and spanks the boss with a rolled up copy of Womens' Weekly.
Now "that" would be a Show Stopper !!! :-)
It's even happening in the NHS. My wife has had a terrible week because they are trying to get her involved in "evidence based practise " which essentially means she will have to produce a portfolio in her own time of what she does. As if not having two degrees is not enough ? And all the while she's sat writing this she's not looking after patients !!!
I mean what's outsourcing all about ? taking away your job to give it to someone else who can supposedly do it much cheaper.
Personally I blame the previous Tory government for this and yet the present government have continued in the same vein. Can't see the wood for the trees.
Any road up a debate for another time I think
I've resorted to applying the principle that there's a recruitment crisis in general practice, I'm an experienced female GP willing to work full time in an inner-city ares, my medical knowledge isn't out of date, I' nice to most of the people most of the time, I keep well on the right side of the law (well, maybe my foot does get overenthusiastic on the accelerator pedal occasionally)...so what are the managerial b*st*rds going to DO to me if I won't play their game? Suspend me for a couple of years on full pay and give me some touchy-feely remedial therapy? Well, I am SCARED!
Rantsville today. Sorry. But I feel so much better now.
My computer narrowly missed being sprayed with tea! Am not feeling 100% today, so that cheered me up a lot!!!
Thanks!
Glad to have been of service - hope you feel better soon.
I'm enjoying this thread - much of what's gone before has been seen in the IT department here too.....