It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a voluptuous dumb blonde in a
very revealing lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs
to the bedroom where she absolutely blew his mind with the most passionate
love making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went
downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

That's for you," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him. Give him five bucks."

...... the breakfast was my idea."


  • SmitchSmitch ✭✭✭
    very good!
  • he he!

    "Bucks" though - has Postman Pat gone American?
  • Morning caz don't you need much sleep. good joke
  • A frog goes into a bank and hops to the counter. He sees from the name tag that the clerk's name is Patricia Whack. She asks the frog if she can help. He explains that he needs £10,000 so he can go on holiday, and that the manager won't mind because he knows his dad who is Mick Jagger.
    Patricia is a little bemused and tells the frog he will need something to secure the loan. The frog nods and pulls out a tiny porcelain pink elephant. "That should do." said the frog.
    Patty is now very confused, takes the pink elephant and says she will have to go and see the manager.
    She goes into the back office and finds the manager. "There is a frog out there who wants to borrow £10,000 and use this thing as security. What on Earth is it?
    The manager replies,
    "Its a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, His old man's a rolling stone."
  • Jose.Jose. ✭✭✭
    Corporate Lesson 2
    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

    The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,

    "Father, remember Psalm 129."

    The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
    her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

    Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

    It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.
    > >
    > > >>
  • My dad was a postman, no wonder he smiled all the time.
  • WardiWardi ✭✭✭
    Rory from the Canadian Rockies comes from a proud hunting family. His father has just passed away and left him his trusty old hunting rifle.

    After a respectful mourning period Rory decides to take the gun from it's place above the fire and venture into the hills to hunt in tribute to his father. After an hour or so he spots a large bear in the distance and begins stalking it. When he is close enough he steadies himself, takes aim and pulls the trigger. Sadly the rifle is not as trusty as it once was, the bullet misses the bear by 6 inches. The bear spots Rory's position and a pursuit ensues. The bear knows the terrain well and soon catches the hunter. He pins Rory to the ground, rips off his huting trousers, spins him over and gives him one up the jacksie. Satisfied, the bear disappears into the hills.

    Revenge is in Rory's mind, so he takes the gun to the gunshop for a service and overhaul. A week later the gun is ready, sights realigned, barrel cleaned, the whole works. He sets off to go hunting again. Soon enough he spots the very same bear. This time he supports the gun on a rock ledge, takes careful aim and pulls the trigger. This time the bullet misses the bear by a fraction of an inch. Another pursuit takes place. Once again the bear catches Rory, whips off his trousers and yet again gives him one up the jacksie. The bear wanders off into the hills again.

    Not to be outdone, Rory decides it is time for a new rifle. At the gunshop he demands the very best hunting rifle. 'Two thousand dollars, state of the art' says the man in the gunshop. 'What the hell, I'll have it' said Rory.

    After a few practice sessions Rory sets off into the hills. Sure enough he spots the same bear once again. 'I can't miss with this rifle' he thought to himself. He carefully gets the bear square in his sights and pulls the trigger. Unfortunately at that very point his foot slips on some loose scree. The bullet succeeds only in taking a small chunk from the bear's ear.

    Yet another pursuit, Rory is further away this time but the bear still catches him after a long chase. He pins Rory to the ground and whips off his trousers. Before turning him over for the usual nefarious deed the bear looked Rory straight in the eye and said..

    'You don't really come here for the hunting do you'
  • An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!......."

    Time stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Yet now you call to me and expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
    The atheist looked directly into the light,"I am a man of principle and it would be hypocritical to become a Christian and ask for your help after all these years....but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well" said the voice.

    The light went out.

    The river ran.

    The sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together....bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
  • This'll upset someone.

    John walks into a bar. It’s early and there’s only one other person in there, a rather striking blonde girl sitting opposite him around the horseshoe shaped bar. The blonde keeps looking at John, who can’t help thinking the blonde looks strangely familiar.
    After a while the blonde gets up, moves around the bar, sits next to John and offers to buy him a drink.
    John accepts the offer and says “I’m really sorry but I feel that I know you from some where, but I can’t place where.”
    To which the blonde replies, “ You should know me mate we were best friends at school. It’s me, Simon!”
    John is shocked and stunned. Indeed Simon had been his best friend at school but they’d lost touch over time and he hadn’t seen Simon for 10 years.
    “You look great mate.” Not knowing what else to say.
    Simon explained that he was now a she.
    John was really interested in how they’d made Simon into Simone.

    “Well John, the op’ is done in 3 stages, each one more distressing than the last. Firstly they put you on a course of pills and injections to change your voice. They then pull out all unwanted body hair and I got these put in” Explained Simone giving her breasts a playful squeeze.
    “ Secondly, they gave me the cut and tuck operation”

    “What can be worse than that? Surely you must’ve been a woman once they’d done that” Asked John.

    “Oh no” said Simone “ the final part is when they stretch your mouth and shrink your brain!”

    And one for the ladies. If men are so great……Why can’t they wipe their @rses properly!
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