I'm bored :-(

Still 2 hours til home time, please unbore me...


  • Im off a 4 made up something about having the physio, hope thats not tempting fate!

    Didnt get in till 9pm last night, left work a 5.30 cos the trains were f*cked up so i think ive earnt it dont you?
  • >
    >A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
    >comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A
    >premature ejaculation."
    >"What?" says the woman.
    >The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
    >Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
    >Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    >"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    >"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

    >Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
    >The other says, "Are you sure?"
    >The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
    >Answer phone message
    >"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
    >Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

    >Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
    >I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
    >find any.
    >I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    >couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're
    >right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
    >My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
    >A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
    >shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I
    >know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
    >I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled
    >a mussel.
    >A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
    >the doc.
    >"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
    >"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    >"Like a glove."
  • Good stuff Greeny.. need some headmaster jokes now please..
  • I like it Greeny.

    How about this:

    A man walking along a California beach was deep in
    prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head
    and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
    you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
    will grant you one wish."

    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
    drive over anytime I want."
    The Lord said, "Your request is very
    materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges
    for that kind of undertaking. The supports
    required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
    concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
    exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
    but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
    worldly things. Take a little more time and think
    of something that would honor and glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally
    he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my
    wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
    she's thinking when she gives me the silent
    treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
    says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman
    truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
    that bridge?"

  • And again:

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
    The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
    "Breast fed," the woman replied.
    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
    Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
    "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

    A small zoo in Alabama acquired a rare species of gorilla. However, within a few weeks, the female gorilla had become extremely agitated and difficult to handle. A vet was called in, and upon examination, he determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. And to make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the same species available.
    While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Dave, a trainee zoo-keeper who was responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Dave, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species. On realising this, the park administrators thought they might have found a solution.
    Dave was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Dave showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
    The following day, Dave turned up for work and announced that he would accept their offer, but only on three conditions. 'First,' he explained, 'I don't want to have to kiss her. And secondly, you must promise never to tell anyone about this.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' pleaded Dave, 'you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'

    ...and into a small village which has some market stalls in the street...
    He crawls up to the first one. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he cries. 'I'm sorry,' says the first stallholder, 'I only sell custard.'
    The man crawls up to the second stall. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he cries. 'I'm sorry,' says the second stallholder, 'I only sell cream and sponge.' The man then crawls up to a third stall. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he cries.
    'I'm sorry,' says the third stallholder, 'I only sell hundreds and thousands.' 'I can't believe no one has any water,' says the man. 'I know,' says the stallholder, 'it is a trifle bazaar.'
  • Are you still bored Helen?
  • Maybe she's fallen asleep Greeny??
  • Jose.Jose. ✭✭✭
    i don't know helen, but i'm laughing a lot!!!!
  • Well, we tried!
  • Cant say fairer than that! I enjoyed it anyway.
  • A bit bored but with a big grin on my face, had my big bad boss come into my room so had to spend the last 20 minutes trying to look busy – think it worked as well!

    Please keep them coming though – only 45 mins to go (read the clock wrong last time – so not as bad as I previuosly thought yeah!)
  • Oooh please don't stop trying, I am enjoying your company - shall i put t'kettle on? I have Jaffa cakes

    (she says trying despairately to bribe them into staying)
  • mmmmmmmmmm - jaffa cakes.

    Im out of jokes for now so conversation will have to turn to the weekend - wots everyone up to?
  • If men wrote 'Cosmopolitan'

    > Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
    > sister.
    > A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,so
    > he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue,
    > this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins
    > involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your
    > relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and
    > don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
    > Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
    > A : Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
    > spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives
    > a
    > great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to
    > you
    > to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
    > extremely
    > painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to
    > thank
    > him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
    > Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
    > A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The
    > man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
    > from
    > being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and
    > to
    > get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
    > emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
    > Best
    > thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
    > nice
    > meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
    > Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
    > A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
    > it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish
    > to
    > video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.
    > To
    > ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and
    > cook
    > him a delicious meal.
    > Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
    > A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
    > love
    > your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the
    > mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying
    > a
    > nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
    > Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
    > A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
    > feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again
    > to
    > him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and
    > don't
    > forget to cook him a delicious meal.
  • Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
    > A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
    > love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
    > emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
    > Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
    > A: YES. Before if possible.
    > Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
    > A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
    > is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
    > however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
    > strange
    > to you. Do them anyway.
    > Q: How long should the sex act last ?
    > A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
    > Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has
    > finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
    > suddenly,
    > and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,
    > such
    > as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming
    > large
    > amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
    > buddies.
    > Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing
    > his
    > laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
    > an
    > expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
    > Q: What is "afterplay?"
    > A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
    > energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
    > do
    > after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him
    > a
    > sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
    > sleep
    > while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
    > Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
    > A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality not quantity is
    > important,
    > studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis
    > measures
    > about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by
    > some
    > chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go
    > down on
    > your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to
    > please
    > him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him
    > an
    > expensive gift

    Hmmmm! I love a jaffa!!
  • Damn - seen that one before G. Still a goody though.
  • Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.

    It's not big and it's not clever.
  • What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

    A 'clit' round the ears!!

    Apologies if anyone was offended at that! :))
  • Scotty4Scotty4 ✭✭✭

    Did somebody mention Jaffa Cakes.............
  • I sent youre first jokes round the office Greeny - someone has just remarked on them as 'the best theyve ever heard' - nice R+
  • Kettle's boiled, how many am i making?

    I have only the one joke and it's bad...

    two goldfish ina tank. One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

    Don't say you weren't warned!
  • Indeed I did Scotty - you want a tea with that?
  • Cheers Alf! I've seen 'em before and I'm still laughing!

    Hello Scotty!

    I liked it Helen!!

    Off now, have a good one all!!
  • Scotty4Scotty4 ✭✭✭
    Yes please.

    Six sugars. But don't stir it 'cos I don't like it too sweet.

  • Six, with that amount of sugar I am not sure if you should have a jaffa..
  • Milk but no sugar for me.

    <<with a mouth ful of crumbs>>

    d'you have any more of these jaffa cakes??
  • Scotty4Scotty4 ✭✭✭
    See ya Greeny
  • Oh bye greeny thanks for the jokes, have a good weekend.
  • Alf - Jaffa's limited one for each joke I'm afraid - you don't get much in this life for free.

    tea's ready - hope you like it fairly strong..
  • love it strong!


    just right.

    What should you do if you see a space man?

    Park in it, man!
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