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Perked me up nicely to face the walk to Charing Cross.
"Well", says the man - "there's one in the window!"
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his Stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are
you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few
moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog
and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat
jumped up and also sniffe! d delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back,
shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ...... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "£150!, she cried, £150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have
been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......"
barman goes 'sorry, we dont serve food in here'
Stephen Segal is delighted "ive always been a big fan of Mozart - id love to be in the film"
Sylvester stallone is also keen "I love Beethoven - count me in!"
Finally, Spielberg calls Arnie who replies:
...
...
wait for it
....
............
"I'll be Bach!!"
"I want some helicopter-flavoured crisps please".
The shopkeeperr says:
"I'm sorry, we've only got plane".
"pint please - and one for the road"
(tumbleweed drifts past)
"Im afraid im going to have to put it down"
"but why?" said I, distraught
"cause its really heavy" replied the vet!
ok then
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist.
"I've got one 'ere."
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says
"I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your
skull and he is bound to start something."
He got high of 'F'
Thanks again for the tea and Jaffa Helen.
'cause hes only got little legs!!
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Ok then
Man takes his Rottweiler to the vets as it has an infected eye. The vet picks up the dog to have a closer look.
“oooh yes, I can see what you mean, the eye does look rather red and sore”
After studying it for a few more seconds he says “I think I am going to have to put him down”
“oh my god is it that serious?” the man asks
“No he's just heavy”
Boom tish!
Oh Jaffa for me...
(yummy)
"sorry," says the barman "we dont serve your type"
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
(I cant tell jokes but I sure as hell can cut and paste them)
Anyway off to buy some more jaffas getting through them pretty quickly.
Police are looking for someone with a blue, yellow and white carpet.
A stick!
Whats orange & sounds like a carrot?
A parrot!