Could do with a non running related giggle

Comments

  • Sorry can't think of any jokes at the moment image
  • *Ignore* I didnt read the "non" part of the title...whoops image

  • an "ooops" moment...

  • For anyone eating - I am really really sorry.




    Sorry - I can't seem to link (google chrome)
  • Ive got a joke for ya

     3 tortoises - Jim, Ray & Geoff go for a picnic 10 miles from where they live. It takes them 10 days to get there but when they do they find they have forgotten the bottle opener.

    Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it, Geoff says "fuck off, by the time I get back you'll have eaten the all the sarnies!" Jim and Ray promise not to eat them so Geoff agrees to go.

    10 days pass & Geoff has not returned. 20 days pass & he has still not returned & Jim & Ray are fucking starving but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches. 25 days pass & Jim and Ray say

    "fuck it, we're gonna starve if we dont eat" They start to eat the sandwiches & Geoff jumps from behind a rock & shouts

    " I fuckin knew it you bastards, Im not going now!"

  • LOL!!!

    Very good

  • Ita a cracker aint it!!!
  • Heard it. Now I feel crap too image

    Where does a fish keep its money?

    In the river bank.

  • Two fish in a tank.  One says to the other....

    How do you drive this thing?

  • Three fish in a tank.  Which one is friends with the Scandinavian?

    The one with the Fin.

  • Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
    Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
    Son: What is politics?
    Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “David Cameron.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “George Osborne.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
    Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

    That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
    Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
    Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
    Son: Well, dad, while David Cameron is screwing the Working Class, George Osborne is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
  • Helen liz wrote (see)

    an "ooops" moment...

    I loved this bit: "He looked pretty stressed out when he realised the car was wrecked and kept saying his bosses would kill him."
  • A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a sexy
    movie featuring a lusty couple.

    "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

    "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.

    "You already know how to play football!"

  • Testicle Therapy



    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
    horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
    playing the next hole..

    The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
    to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
    began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help!! I'm a
    physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll
    let me,' she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the
    man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
    still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
    loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several
    long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'

  • A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE'S BEEN LOCKED UP FOR 15YRS.
    HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS. INSIDE, HE FINDS A YOUNG
    COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF THE BED AND HE TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.
    WHILE TYING THE HOMEOWNER'S WIFE TO THE BED, THE CONVICT GETS ON TOP OF HER,
    KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

    WHILE HE IS IN THERE, THE HUSBAND WHISPERS OVER TO HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS
    GUY IS AN ESCAPED CONVICT. LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE HAS PROBABLY SPENT A LOT
    OF TIME  IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR
    NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN... DO WHATEVER HE TELLS
    YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS OBVIOUSLY
    VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE COULD KILL US BOTH. BE STRONG, HONEY.
    "I LOVE YOU!"

    HIS WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR.
    HE TOLD ME THAT HE'S GAY, THINKS YOU'RE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE.
    I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"
  • A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

    The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

    He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

    "Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

    "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

    The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

    Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

    The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am  to 4.00pm...
    ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

    The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

    "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
    "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that.
  • Womble wrote (see)
    Helen liz wrote (see)
    an "ooops" moment...
    I loved this bit: "He looked pretty stressed out when he realised the car was wrecked and kept saying his bosses would kill him."
    That was the bit that made me grin too!
  • Two fat blokes are sitting in the pub.

    One says to the other "Your round"

    The other one says "And so are you, you fat b@st@rd!"  

  • Womble wrote (see)
    Helen liz wrote (see)
    an "ooops" moment...
    I loved this bit: "He looked pretty stressed out when he realised the car was wrecked and kept saying his bosses would kill him."
    Do we know which roundabout it was?
  • Loved the 'handwashing' man!  Does make you wonder if he's the only one though.... men do seem to be a bit limited in their ability to spot something 'dirty' sometimes!

    This is sort of running related... but I just found it and need an excuse to post it!

    Also out of date! but never mind...

  • An eskimo's car breaks down in Wales and he calls the AA. The AA patrolman arrives and looks under the bonnet. After 10 minutes the AA man says "I see the problem. You've blown a seal."

    To which the eskimo replies "So what, you Welshman shag sheep, but I'm not going on about that."

  • I got some sausages from Sainsburys today with Jamie Oliver on the front, on the back it said prick with a fork. Cant argue with that
  • For a bit of a snigger

    'Lifted' from a site that I browse every so often;

    http://www2.b3ta.com/hawking/ 

    Follow link at bottom of page, for some 'Sunday silliness'

    Some parts aren't work/family-safe, okay!! Don't say you weren't warnedimage

     And, from the chap who did the 'Crusha' (milkshake) adverts;

    http://www.rathergood.com/

    Plus.......................

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-CG6gCrPYM&feature=related image

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_0afWepgRIimageimage

  • Why was six scared?

    ...because seven ate nine.

    It's bad but it's my favourite joke at the mo.

    I also like - A dsylexic man walks into a bra

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