Friday Joke (s) by Petere Kaye but I don't know who he is.....

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately
she'd popped her clogs.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
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So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
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So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
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So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
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Comments

  • heeheehee, have you seen phoenix nights?
  • no, what is that?
  • series on bbc2 (over now, was 2 seriesii) with peter kaye. very funny I think, but slightly odd.
  • SOunds more like Tim Vine to me. :)
  • don't forget part 2 further down..
  • Fantastic - can't make Tuesday's ha ha!!
  • he also did "That Peter Kaye Thing" which was a series of spoof fly-on-the-wall docs. very good.
  • I like the catholic converter!!!
    tee hee

  • And he does the John Smith adverts, like the bombing in the swimming pool, "'ave it!" with the football, taking him mum to the old folks home "'cos the kids are scared of your moustache", and telling his daughter not to be scared of monsters under the bed - she should be scared of burglars coming through the window.

    And "Phoenix Nights" was on Channel 4.

    He also has a live DVD / video worth watching - "Live From The Top Of The Tower".
  • Spot on Mr A - "Live From the Top Of The Tower" is well worth a watch. You will find yourself questioning the wisdom of garlic bread forever.
  • I saw him live in Portsmouth, and he was very funny. Phoenix Nights is also a laugh.

    Has anyone been watching "Early Doors"? The one set in the pub? It is very funny.
  • I like phoenix nites but have not been watching early doors
  • Hi Will, how are you today?
  • Blimey it's quiet on the forums today - hi folks :-)
  • not to bad

    Hi FR
  • Hi Will - at last - someone sane to talk to!

    Got a great shirt tghis morning :-)
  • Oi! Am I invisible????
  • Early doors is OK but a tad predicatable. Speaking of doors, I'm heading towards the one that says home now.

    enough of this t'internet stuff.
  • Hi and bye Gavo
  • I said SANE Smitch :o)
  • Oh ha ha, very funny.

    Lovely day isn't it. I've had a bit of retail therapy myself this morning.
  • Have't quite gone yet! I'm sure this loathing between you 2 is hiding some other set of feelings...
  • Ooh - what did you get, anything exciting?

    More pots of paint?
  • God forbid Gavo. Blimey.



  • Are you sober now Gavo my dear?
  • Quiet nite in tonite for me - got a it too drunk last nite
  • Methinks the lady does protest too much and all that....



    this is the bit where Fruity makes a comment about Smitch & lady in the same sentence
  • I doubt it Smitch after that last suggestion!

    Are you at work Gavo?
  • I got some new tops, as I am going up to London on Thurs to celebrate end of exams, and didn't want to look like Worzel Gummidge.

    I also bought some running tights in the sale.
  • completely sober though still stupid enough to spend too much in the bike shop today.
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