When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Jordan. He gave her a lobotomy.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.