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Doctor: How can I help you?
Man: I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse
Doctor: How's that?
Man: Don't you f*****g start!
I was reading a good book...'The History of Glue'...couldn't put it down.
A man was arrested for pick-pocketing dwarves...how could he stoop so low?
I went to see the company nurse for a health check.
She said I should stop wanking. I asked why.
"Because I'm trying to examine you."
Just had a water bill for £150, I think that's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 per month: time to change supplier I think.
SS
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Say sorry and wipe it off.
Shop Owner says 'Sorry, we don't sell Flies'
Man says 'You're a fucking liar, I saw one in the window!'
Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Two fat blokes are sitting in the pub
One says to the other "Your round"
The other one says "So are you, you fat b@st@rd!"
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman.”
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please barman.” The barman says, “I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties.”.
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.” The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
What is the difference between Steve Davis and Rolph Harris?
Both of them have got beards apart from Steve Davis
What do you get if you cross Basingstoke with a bike?
Mugged, probably.
I've just dumped my cross-eyed girlfriend. She was seeing someone else.
Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I'm sure I've forgotten this before.