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Things you want to say but can't
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I so miss saturdays at the track where I can perve over that long jumper with the awesome body if only he knew the positions and situation my imagination has had him in - usually tied down as it happens
how do you know he is long?
was that your imagination or due to the lycra he was wearing?
Oh how I feel like I've 'come home' whilst reading this thread.
Dear Collegue,
I know that you only feel the need to meddle in everyone elses affairs because you feel as if your life is a little empty. I also understand that your judgemental nature is borne only of your own insecurites. I know you have 1657 'friends' on Facebook but none that you can actually rely on in real life. However, during the time I've been working with you I've had you tagged from the beginning as high risk personnel and someone to be avoided at all costs so DO NOT involve me in your gossip nor make assumptions about who I am or what I do because this is the point that I run out of sympathy for your plight and start to think that maybe you've brought it all on yourself.
The End. ;o)
Things you'd like to say at work...
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
There are a couple in here that wil be rolled out when I get back in tomorrow...
Like number 4 JB!
1) - Why are you fighting with me? And why have you blatantly lied in your email? We work for the same company, I am trying to save YOU money?? I cannot understand your attitude, I get that you are some hot shot dude in your own office but you are not here and your arrogance is astounding. Try working with us and your life would be a hell of a lot easier
2) - F**K OFF YOU BAS**ARD RECRUITMENT AGENTS YOU ARE DRIVING ME BONKERS I AM THE CLIENT I AM NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, work with me and i'll do you right! What is WRONG with you people (by the way i used to be one so i am not unsympathetic)
JB, I've used some of those already. We have a flip chart of "office humour" or should that be office "humour" with pithy little sayings on it.
My current favourite is "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you"
Today's rant:
To the little chavvy brats next door, I don't care if you've been banned from having your mates to play in the courtyard because my son allegedly broke the washing line returning your football. The important bit is he was returning your football for the 8th time since Saturday morning. You're lucky he's returning it at all. And while I'm on the subject. Ring the bell once OK. Don't keep ringing it and knocking on the door. Just because you can't hear the bell doesn't mean I can't, and constantly ringing it doesn't get me down there any faster it just means I'm cross when I do get there.
Dear person running the New York marathon,
I am not sure why you think my company would like to help pay for your short break in NY when to my knowledge we've never met, you're not a client and the charity which you have obviously taken a bond place from is nothing to do with our line of work.
I liked your training plan in which you explained that you'd already done 260 miles since you first started running in May which was equivalent to 10 marathons so you were very confident of a good time. Apparently you were inspired by London but thought NY sounded like more of a challenge ... nope, same distance but better shopping in the days leading up!
Sorry, I'll not be giving you £750 to sponsor the t-shirt you're wearing.
Good luck though ... sounds like you'll need it
TP
p.s. this also applies to all those who I have never heard of who want to climb the Great Wall of China, swim with dophins, save gorillas during their gap year, attend stage school, using our money.
Why on the earth would all problems with society today be due to the teaching of Catholic schools?
I'm not overly religious myself, but even I think that's a bit odd. I guess I missed the bit where you started ranting about the Pope being in the UK.
Whilst I'm at it, it'd be lovely if you'd not walk up and down the wide lane of the pool 3-abreast chatting. Last I heard actually getting your hair wet did not mean bad things would happen to you.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
<makes note>
Oh COME ON Katie Jane - get with the programme!
My favourite pastime of them all is a well timed kick up of a SHITLOAD of water that drenches said ladies' blue rinses so they look like drowned poodles!!!!
Get yourself down to my gym and we'll take em all out in one go and then progress onto yours!
Dear Forumites
Enter races ON TIME and stop starting threads telling me how DESPERATE you are for a SPARE place. There are no spares - that's why the race is full.
So piss off and next time be more organised because you get right on my nerves.
Dear Meldy
If you're a bullying troll, how come you haven't bullied me? I'm feeling insignificant and worthless.
*exhales*
Soooooo much better FF!
What I DID say to the cold-calling salesman who rang me the other day:
No, we didn't meet at the xxxxxxxx show. I didn't attend.
No, my colleague didn't give you my card at the show. I don't have a business card.
Dear Santander - are you sure you're one of the biggest banks in the world? I think perhaps you're confusing the world with Toytown. The numbers on your website for credit card queries do not direct you to the right department. The staff in your call centre give you numbers for other departments that can't help you. Your Spanish call centre staff are brusque to the point of rudeness. Your branch staff seem to be incapable of completing the simplest of tasks. So, here in very simple English is what I would like to do
If you were a child and the banking sector was food, I would be frowning at you muttering "eyes bigger than your stomach." Sort yourselves out please.
Ha ha Santander spent 3 months sending my new cards to my old address in Brum and the associated pin numbers etc to the new one - Only over 100 miles inbetween the 2
Goldbeetle - the man had a brain and a sense of humour (although obvioulsy not enough of one to shag me) and could hold a conversation - quality andgood geometry - a overal good package
I don't think anyone's got a good word to say about Santander.
I'd panic if they ever took over the organisation I bank with.
I'm with A&L and trying to contact them is like trying to find Osama - virtually impossible. I think i'll be moving banks soonish. Need to sort out pesky overdraft first
...which is screwing up my credit history....actually, here's my rant for today
Dear Credit Scoring People,
please take into account crappy banks who for an unfathomable reason cannot seem to make it clear that the overdraft in my account is in fact authorised, so you think i've an unauthorised overdraft, and refuse me a new zero % CC, or new account. Of course I only find this out once i've applied for said card, thereby further ruining my credit scoring, and thus the vicious circle commences. I've never had bad debt that i couldn't pay, this much should be obvious from your extensive knowledge *coughs*, so why not give me a hand to manage my money better. Oh wait, that wouldn't earn banks et al so much money would it....?
You suck.
Pea
A&L have THE most crap way of showing your balance. I once had a big amount of money coming in to my account, which was going straight back out, but they showed it as though the amount of money came out first, before it had actually come in, therefore looking as though I was over £3K overdrawn, when i clearly wasn't. W*NKERS! Hence my inability to now move my money around easily because of crappy credit scoring. Makes me MAD
