Crap at relationships

I will admit I'm  terrible at relationships as I spend lots of time at work in fact a junior doctor told me I spend more time in work than her.

Spent a large part of my life alone and when i have had partners normally they have given up first as i think I'm afraid of committement which may have been true  in the past but now I'm looking to establish something serious but not quite sure how to?



  • Fancy a hug? 
  • (((((slowfoot)))))

  • Stop spending lots of time at work?

    Find a woman and spend a few minutes every day figuring out how to make her happy.

    Give it time dude, change your behaviours, who knows what might happen?

  • Carry on with the running stuff, turn up to races, join a club, get to know women (I'm assuming you're a bloke, sorry if you're not) as friends, let it go slowly from there.

    Oh god I sound like a Bridget Jones Smug Married.   Trouble is, it's like buses, the one with your number on it turns up just when you'd decided to give up and walk home.

  • If you find the right woman for you, you might well find that you don't want to spend so much time at work.  image

    Also, if you spend less time at work, and more time  doing other stuff you enjoy, you have a better chance of meeting someone.

  • too much time at work aint good. We are human "beings" not human doings.

    seriously look at what fears you have re commitment. Just take time to be with people and just be honest about fears you have. The right one will understand and stand by you, I reckonimage

    I have to work damned hard at monogomy tbhimage

  • As a workaholic with  hobbies which take up a load of spare time I'm trying to solve this one as well slowfoot.  If you work out the answer please let me know image

    I think I probably come accross as very independent and therefore unwilling to compromise which possibly has some truth but I'm so used to multi-tasking that I am sure I could change things around to suit ... which probably sounds like a lack of commitment ... image

  • Find someone with similar interests and a similar outlook on life.

    Find someone that you can be friends with. Love and lust are all very well but lasting relationships they do not make. You need to be friends for that.

    I don't actually think that relationships are all they are cracked up to be. My partners a workaholic and spend much of his time away from home. I have cats, far more reliable. image

  • What came first, the work or being single?  Has one expended to fill the void of the other?

    It's hard to break patterns especially ones we've created as part of our own survival mechanism.  But give yourself time off, cutting down on hours and do some of the things you want to do.  I've found I've met people when I least expected too.

    As for commitment, is that because you're scared of being tied down and missing out on something or scared of being hurt?  Being with someone leaves you open to getting trashed, but it also opens doors to great delights.  Be brave and go for it.

  • You have to already like your life before you find the person.

    You can't give another person the burden of making you happy -- they'll run a mile. 

    Find things you really enjoy doing, and do them.

    You won't be afraid of commitment when you find the right person, but until then, just enjoy spending time with people, forget about commitment for now. Spend time with lots of people to develop your skills of reading someone's character, so you don't commit to a bad one.

  • How old are you Slowfoot ? I guess comparatively young.

    I say get everything you want to achieve sorted before you get burdened with a relationship. However much you think you want one now, feelings which I am sure are overpowering, it may well not turn out to be the deal you want or need especially if you try too hard and compromise too much. Sooner or later the right person will just appear in the normal course of your being.

    Don't change to find someone, just be yourself and do things you like and enjoy. Don't compromise or give up being the person you are or want to be else your relationship may become a living prison. Take care, good luck, there are lots of dangers out there.

  • X-KKDX-KKD ✭✭✭

    Very interesting reading.  Hope you get what you're looking for Slowfoot. image

    (Is the other one really fast?? )  image

  • 'Friends first' is a good mantra. Then again so is ....

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Pie, and cake !

    Pie and cake can solve lots of problems.

  • BookyBooky ✭✭✭

    I sympathise completely, Slowfoot. I'm the same imageimage  Not sure of your reasons, but I've got too many commitments re. caring for my Mum (who is disabled) and study/work to have time for proper relationships. I like the idea of things just happening in their own time, but still, sometimes it gets a bit tiresome.

    *gets out violin*

  • As long as you find time for the occasional improper relationship Sarah image
  • Some good advice, and the friends thing is good but you have to be careful not to cock it up.

    And if all else fails, you could always resort to the "slap on the arse". You too Sarah!image

  • I'd echo what others have said about spending less time at work and more time doing stuff you enjoy. Ignore the relationship stuff at the moment and just get out and have a good time. Join a running club. Socialise. Meet people. Have fun.

    The right woman may then just turn up but if she doesn't it's no big deal as you're enjoying your life anyway.
  • (((slowfoot))), the world can seem to be full of couples when you're own your own.

    I agree with what others have said - reduce your work hours, spend time doing the things you enjoy, get to know people (male and female) as friends. Hopefully, love will come along but, as Mr W says, at least you're having fun meanwhile.

  • The problem with working less and socializing more is that the time you want to embark on a relationship is usually the time when you need to work more, or all hours, to meet the bills, save up for a deposit on a house, pay off the student loan, carry the initially high mortgage payments, start a pension fund etc. Or, having embarked on a relationship, to do all that and get self, partner, house etc ready for kids.

    My marriage failed for various reasons, wrong choice of partner being the main one, but in retrospect I realize that maybe I could have worked less and spent more time on home matters. But if I hadn't done that, we wouldn't have kept our heads above water financially. Catch-22.

    And now, finally, being in a reasonably solvent position, I'm too crusty and set in my ways to want to start a relationship anyway. Not to mention the way the divorce laws operate if it all goes pear-shaped.

    So I'm unattached and tbh quite happy about that. If Ms Right heaves into view, then fine, if not, then also fine.

    The main thing is not to look too hard. Women can smell desperation.

  • I'm am a workaholic and find the time with colleagues somewhat more rewarding than trying to do other things Yes I know its a comfort zone thing

    The have had some steady relationships but nothing that has ignited a spark in me and work has acted as a crutch at times plus given me somewhere to hide

    I work shifts which somepeople struggle to cope with but I enjoy them and they are difficult to give up

    I'm at the point were I would like to settle down (late 30's) but just don't see anything happening

  • It will probably happen when you're least expecting it.......... and at a point when you can can least afford it image
  • Technically, you don't need to be good at relationships, you just need to be slightly less than crap at one particular relationship image

    And every relationship that goes belly-up could be taking you closer to the one that won't - so don't give up!

    Speaking as a divorcee now in another significant long-term partnership, I learnt so much from my earlier failed relationships (the marriage especially) that it has had a positive effect on my current relationship, which is far from perfect; I've just learnt to cope better with conflict and be more open about my own personality and life-style failings (of which there are many - working hours and running being two major stumbling blocks).

    And should this one not go the distance (and there are absolutely no guarantees in this world), I hope I would pick myself up, take what I've learnt forward and try again. 

    I hope I don't come across as a sanctimonious little so-and-so, but all relationships require some hard work from time to time, and compromises. But when it becomes all about hard work and squashing yourself to fit in to keeping the relationship going, then maybe that's the time to call it quits. 

    And now I'm rambling, so I'll stop image

  • I've found that relationships are over rated, especially marriage image

    But if you don't try then you won't find this out.

    Oh and working all hours is even worse, cos when you do find love [and you will] she will love spending all that money you've accumulated over the years image

  • I'd not subscribe to the "if at first you don't succeed, give up because it's obviously a bad thing" view on married relationships. Ultimately a marriage is supposed to be a place of security where each individual has the safety to grow and be more comfortable with themselves and their environment, because of the encouragement and nurture of the other.

    I did say supposed, because that's not how many people approach these things. If you look at any relationship in terms of what you can get out of it, then it's not going to go the distance.

    I'd say think very carefully about what priorities you have in life. Then live according to them. If a partner is not your priority and you're unwilling to make sacrifices for their happiness, then you have to be satisfied with something less. At least it's your call.

    Good luck.

  • Stop thinking about it...

    I was worried I'd be perenially single, and 2.5 years after meeting by chance on a soap forum (don't ask) we were out looking at engagement rings yesterday!

    Be nice, be yourself.

  • There's a man out there in his late 30's, into running, with a steady job and looking for a serious relationship?


    You'll be telling me there are unicorns next! I bet if you could see the number of hits on your profile that half the females on the forum have been trying to work out where you are.

    Sorry, that's not much help, but I thought it might cheer you up.image

  • It is indeed a world of abundance.

    Fancy organising a social?

  • A "come and meet Slowfoot" social?  There's a plan.
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