Crap at relationships

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  • I'm surprised no-one picked up the double meaning in the original post. At first I thought Slowfoot was dating a junior doctor who was complaining about a lack of sex image

    Firstly, BIG hugs to anyone who needs one, especially Min. I've been depressed and know it can be an isolating experience - even in company.

    I'm 32 and have been happily single since March this year. Prior to that I'd spent most of my adult life in desructive relationships - as a result, I wasn't really sure who I was and what I wanted anymore. I've tried dating a couple of times since, but neither worked out. The first was a guy from worked I'd fancied for ages - we went on one date, but he didn't want to get involved because he's emigrating at the start of next year. The second was a friend of friends, who seemed really sweet - but I just didn't feel it . (Turns out my gut feeling was right - the weasel later hit on my best friend, who has a boyfriend. More insultingly, he claims to have fallen for her the day they met - after which he STILL tried to pursue a relationship with me).

    Anyway, recently I decided that I was open to meeting someone else and that the thought of another relationship didn't fill me with horror. My problem though (well, I wouldn't call it a problem, just the way I am) is that I'm extremely fussy. By that I don't mean they have to be a certain type or anything - just that I have to feel the attraction instantly, and even when I do they have to be able to hold my attention without pissing me off too severely in the process. As much as I quite like the idea of meeting someone, I do like being single and have spent far too many years miserable as a result of not feeling entirely comfortable or happy in a relationship. I'm not saying I have a romantic ideal or anything, just that if I do it again it has to feel right. I don't want mind games, or that sense that I/they want something other than what we are. I don't see the point of giving it a go if there's no real chemistry.

    As it stands, someone is holding my attention at the moment. Still VERY early days yet and I'm keeping an open mind, but time will tell.

  • "hold my attention" -- yes, that's an interesting thing !
  • MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    Nam wrote (see)

    Likewise my my other bessie male mate has been single for coming up to 8 years now and he'd make someone a perfect boyfriend.  He's loyal, friendly, a great listener (counsellor!), has a really fab moral code and would never cheat on anyone...  again women just don't seem to be interested... image

    As you know him well, can you see why?  Is he "too nice"?


    *nods*

    He's not the most confident guy in the world and can be very shy.  He's been told a few times by women he liked that they liked him very much as a friend and felt for him "like a brother"... mmm...

    But I'm thinking, okay so he's not overtly sexual, a bit shy and an awkward flirt but surely someone must be out there to find him attractive just as he is, without him feeling he should have to change.  image

  • Hmmm - I think I might fall foul of that a bit, it just doesn't come naturally to me to do anything other than get to know people as friends first, and I think they often tend to rather than pigeonhole me as that
  • A friend of mine has just moved in with his partner Nam, he went 41 years without a serious girlfriend, in fact any girlfriend as far as I know.    So there is hope.  

    The only thing with him was even if a woman showed an interest in him he was so lacking confidence that he'd not reciprocate at all and she'd think oh he's not interested.   

    I suppose mid 30s even up to early 40s can throw up the question of kids as some people will be desperate for kids and others wont.   I know one relationship that split up recently as he was desperate to have kids and maybe unsurprisingly in her early 40s with a 20 year old daughter she wasn't keen on trying.  

  • Funny you should mention the musical taste thing MF.  My first relationship after divorcing Mr Pink was with somebody 16 years older and music was one of the things we could never agree on.  He was stuck in a 60s timewarp image  He always said I'd leave him for somebody my own age ... I did!  Not just due to his  musical taste but he didn't fit with my friends and I basically didn't fit with his.  I'm the same age now as he was then and I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. 

  • Bear - I can't speak for all women obviously, but personally if I fancy someone immediately then it won't matter if we start out as friends. My last serious relationship was with a guy I was friends with for 5 years before we got together.

    Also, the guy from work that I liked was someone you might think was in the 'friend zone' at the start of this year - but the timing just wasn't right, and as soon as we were both single I realised just how much I fancied him and asked him out. We didn't end up romantically involved in the end, but the point is that the feelings were there!

    As for the kids thing, I only want them if it's with the right person. There's no way I'd settle for second best in a relationship just so that I could have kids.

  • Madame O

    No double meaning in my original post I really have struggled with relationships as I do concentrate as on work and I'm missing that spark that I would like

    This may sound strange but I miss doing nothing with someone

  • Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)

    Did you mean to type like can't like that Parklife?


    Obviously. image

  • slowfoot wrote (see)

    in fact a junior doctor told me I spend more time in work than her.

    I did spot that straight away Madame O but didn't comment. image
  • I was just messing Slowfoot - I have a warped sense of humor image

    It doesn't sound strange at all. But when you do meet the right person you'll probably find that the work issue isn't such a problem after all, whether it's because they make you want to spend less time working, or because they are in a similar situation to you and can understand. Have you tried a dating website? Last year I went to the wedding of two friends who met on the internet.

  • Parklife wrote (see)
    slowfoot wrote (see)

    in fact a junior doctor told me I spend more time in work than her.

    I did spot that straight away Madame O but didn't comment. image
    Parklife, you're my kinda gal image
  • Parklife wrote (see)
    Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)

    Did you mean to type like can't like that Parklife?


    Obviously. image

    image
  • Nice to hear that Madame O but I suspect you're unuusal in that respect.
  • It's a minefield, innit.

    I have known people who, I sincerely believe, simply couldn't function without being "in a relationship".

    One bloke I went to school with had been engaged 3 times before he was 22.

  • I love you JB

    image

  • All these lovely laydeez looking for a mate.

    <buffs bald patch, preens>

  • Interesting thread image Hugs to Slowfoot & Min. It is pretty tough being single sometimes, and it used to really stress me out. I think i've accepted that i'll be okay on my own, but I'd still rather meet someone. I'd agree with the others Slowfoot, in that you probably will work less, or want to work less when you meet the right woman.

    I don't have all the answers, not by a long shot, but I think you have to be happy in yourself, and in the life you currently lead before you can hope for things to work out with someone else. I always worried about having kids, and last year whether I wanted kids was on my mind a lot, and i've decided that I don't need to have kids to be happy, so that's taken the pressure off! I still have issues with my weight which bothers me, and I think I'll not meet anyone for sure until i've sorted that out, more from my point of view, but probably from a guys point of view too, who knows. All my pals tell me how they can't understand why i'm single, though my friends are lovely, so they wouldn't likely say anything else!

    I think with life, it doesn't always turn out as you'd expect, but you can have some beautiful surprises that make life worthwhile, and worth embracing, whether on your own or with someone else image


    p.s. I think I met you briefly in Chandos after the FLM this year Slowfoot.....ladies he is rather hot image Hee hee hee
  • I feel your pain Slowfoot!

    I often think about the ol' chicken 'n egg thing too - Am i on my own because I work too much or do I work too much because I'm on my own!

    I'm not doing anything proactive to 'put myself out there', just rather lazily assuming it'll happen when it happens. I keep my self busy getting on with life in the meantime but sometimes its hard not to feel a tad lonely - the simple stuff really - someone to watch a fim with, share a meal, laze in bed on a Sunday morning - better stop before I sound too mad and desperate!!

    All we can do is keep positive, enjoy life and trust it'll happen when the time is right!  

  • Min - I can relate completely with what you said - I have been there at the end of the day with a drink in a complete mess.

    I haven't given up though and when I look at a lot of people I know who are in long term relationships that just aren't happy or sometimes bounce from bed to bed because they are so desperate to be part of a couple they go out with anyone who shows an interest  I think actually better to sort myself out than lose myself to that rollercoaster

    Funnily anough I am finding myself drawn to younger men (well 30s anyway) - I like their attitude in some ways alot of them don't seem to have as much to prove as the single 40+s.  However there are guys out there who do go for what they get on with

  • Interesting point about age differences, age preferences etc.  Because I worked and travelled for a good few years before I went to Uni, I was 23/24 when I went to Uni and everyone else was 18/19 so a huge chunk of my circle of friends are around a handful of years younger than me (as is my squeeze).  The women at work who are my age or older, I feel I have very little in common with...  we kind of feign a polite superficial interest in each other's lives which are just very different in terms of choices and priorities.

    And that's kind of made me think that a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

    And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore...  image

  • Nam wrote (see)
    MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    Nam wrote (see)

    Likewise my my other bessie male mate has been single for coming up to 8 years now and he'd make someone a perfect boyfriend.  He's loyal, friendly, a great listener (counsellor!), has a really fab moral code and would never cheat on anyone...  again women just don't seem to be interested... image

    As you know him well, can you see why?  Is he "too nice"?


    *nods*

    He's not the most confident guy in the world and can be very shy.  He's been told a few times by women he liked that they liked him very much as a friend and felt for him "like a brother"... mmm...

    But I'm thinking, okay so he's not overtly sexual, a bit shy and an awkward flirt but surely someone must be out there to find him attractive just as he is, without him feeling he should have to change.  image


    I suspected that was the problem.  It's not a question of "should".  We may be rational beings, but a part of forming relationships is animal instinct, "chemistry", call it what you will, and he can be as perfect and loyal as you like, but if he exhibits submissive behaviour to women then usually that chemistry isn't going to happen.  And for good reasons.

  • Tickled Pink wrote (see)

    Funny you should mention the musical taste thing MF.  My first relationship after divorcing Mr Pink was with somebody 16 years older and music was one of the things we could never agree on.  He was stuck in a 60s timewarp image  He always said I'd leave him for somebody my own age ... I did!  Not just due to his  musical taste but he didn't fit with my friends and I basically didn't fit with his.  I'm the same age now as he was then and I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. 


    It's funny, isn't it? The music may sound like a minor point (ho ho) but little things like that can be vital.

    Mind you I know someone in their 30s who's stuck in a musical timewarp ... and he cant sort out relationships either.  Just a bit too blinkered. "I know what I like, I just like THIS music, nothing else ever, nothing new ever".... and you wonder what a relationship with that person would be like,,, tiny things give you clues

    > " I can see how a 27 year old just would have little in common with us. "

    Yeh, young people, they're lovely to look at aren't they, but you wouldn't want one living with you...

  • Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!?  image

    There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing?  image

  • Is his problem getting into a relationship or staying in a relationship ?  

  • Nam wrote (see)

    a major factor in a relationship working long term is whether you're broadly heading in the same direction, whatever that direction is, rather than one person 'leading' the way to what they want hoping their partner will sooner or later come round to their way of thinking.  And often when things go wrong you get that sense of 'moving in different directions' much sooner than most people care to acknowledge.

    And the direction you want your life to take is kind of determined by what makes you as an individual feel good, and sometimes people just change and don't feel good about the same things anymore...  image

    Yes and no. I totally agree it's all about the "direction you're heading in". You have to know what that is, that's almost step 1.

  • Nam wrote (see)

    Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!?  image

    There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing?  image


    <cough> abandonment issues from childhood <cough> toxic shame <cough>

    It's not a case of superimposing yet another pretence of "being an arse" when he isn't one at all

    It's a case of removing the pretence of "I'm not really a sexual being".

    Just lie down on ze couch....

  • Nam wrote (see)

    Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!?  image

    There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing?  image

    My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

    It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  

  • Nam, it's not about "being more of an arse".  It's about being confident in who he is.  The confident (and nice) guy is the one who will make the move for the first kiss but will respect a woman if she says no.  The shy guy won't even make the move so will end up just being friends.
  • The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

    My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

    Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 

    The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

    It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  


    No, a thousand times no.

    Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

    Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

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