Crap at relationships

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  • Getting into one Pops.  Women just want to be friends, see him as a 'brother' figure (which kind of means 'asexual' right?).  He is simply just shy and massively uncomfortable of putting himself out there. 

    As an example re confidence and exuding a lil bit of sexy... once a year him and I go on his annual clothes shop which he finds the most painful experience ever, it is to be endured breifly rather than enjoyed...  He will always, year after year, pick largely the same things in the same colours (navy, brown & green, maybe grey but not too light) and there will be trousers (not too tight...), shirts (not too colourful), shoos (comfy loafers... brown...)...  I picked out a simple black poloneck once and he recoiled in horror saying "it's a bit too trendy for me"...  I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

    I think he's really scared to let his hair down, I have never seen him drunk in all the years I have known him and he hates being around drunk people.  I have never seen him dance and doubt I ever will.

    He's a diamond of solidity and friendship (my longest ever friend) and he'd make someone a great hubby, and I think once he'd found someone he trusted there is a naughty side that could be discovered... but his problem is he just can't show it and women just see him as "just a friend"... 

  • MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)

    My impression is that they're few and far between, and if they do they often have "issues" that get in the way of a relationship.

    Yes. Spot on, women with personality issues are drawn to guys like that 

    Yes.  There was one who was an utter fruit loop who was clearly looking for "daddy" to "make everything alright"... image
  • Nam wrote (see)

    Mike I know what you mean and I can see the sense of the biological 'instinct' behind it... I just don't know what the solution would be for him... short of "be more of an arse"!?  image

    There must be women out there who would like a guy who is caring, humble, educated, funny, ethical, etc etc just doesn't do the "treat them mean keep them keen" thing?  image
    Aye he sounds alright Nam, send him round image  Seriously though, Mike i think you're right on the confidence thing.  Nothing wrong with someone who is 'nice', if they have confidence.  Being too submissive is off-putting.  I know because when i lacked confidence I would try to be who I thought people wanted me to be, and that doesn't work, for anyone!  The type of guys that 'me' attracted were arseholes, so I stopped hating myself and things are better.  I am who I am, and if folk don't like me, well, that's their tough luck image  Mind you, i'm still single, so i'm clearly not right for some folk, hahaha.
  • Nam wrote (see)

     I swear, if he could make himself disappear he would!

    I think he's really scared  


    Of what?

    edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

    But yes I've advised plenty like that.

  • edit...

    MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)

    edit: sorry, no, i must stop this, he's not here and has not consented to this.

    But yes I've advised plenty like that.

    yeah I agree...  image  would be curious what you'd advise tho...  I think I'm too close to be objective...

  • MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    The One and Only XFR Bear wrote (see)
    It's crap though, he's either got to fake a "bad boy" personality or stay single.  


    No, a thousand times no.

    Faking personality is what he's *already* doing that causes the problem,

    Sorry, you got me on my hot topic here.......

    Well I don't know the guy Mike, and as far as I know neither do you.  But what's he faking - to me it sounds like he's just showing his natural caring, ethical side.  I don't see anything fake about that.

    Unless you mean he's faking because he's not showing his sexual side immediately?  But then again some people are a bit more subtle than showing everything up front, doesn't mean they're faking.

  • That kind of shyness/social phobia can be crippling.     Having self confidence is such an important thing.  I know it's not easy if you have that as a personality trait but like I told my daughter last year when she was sad because she hadn't scored a goal all season - well you never have a shot do you - you always leave it to the other players.    

    At some point he has to start approaching women, or at least respond when they approach him, or else he'll live and die with that having beaten him.    My mate was the same - he was over 40 when he had his first girlfriend - just through being awkward with women.    I even saw women invite him back to theirs and he would make an excuse (work in the morning or something!).     

  • Someone who is nervous of his own shadow won't make a great husband.  He'll be too scared of making the life saving decision, of grabbing his tools and fixing the leaking radiator, of phoning to complain to a company who has ripped him off.  He may be kind and caring but he needs to be more than that to make someone a good partner.  He runs the risk of ending up in a relationship where she walks all over hiim.
  • either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes
  • True though this kind of phobia - because I think that's what it is -  can be selective.  

    Some people are very shy around women, or maybe unfamiliar social settings, but can be quite assertive in other surroundings.     I've know social extroverts who would panic if they were asked to get up and give a lecture in front of say 100 people, and some very shy people who are happy in that situation.    Some people who would stand up to a physical threat without fear but who are reduced to a nervous wreck at the thought of going into a school to complain about a teacher.    

  • He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him.  image
  • candy ollier wrote (see)
    either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes
    It's my understanding that bear does all right, so they say
  • one day the forensics will nail him!
  • MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    candy ollier wrote (see)
    either that, bear, or you could just get a balaclava and hide in the bushes
    It's my understanding that bear does all right, so they sayNot in the last few years Mike, although I must admit I've been concentrating on my studies more.
  • Nam wrote (see)
    He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him.  image
    Yeah, that fits. With such a person, I'd be asking questions about their childhood...
  • MikeFrog Justgiving.com/MikeforCrisis wrote (see)
    Nam wrote (see)
    He's actually perfectly appropriately assertive in any other aspect in life, by no means a walk over when it comes to normal life stuff like dealing with authorities etc... he's not 'scared' of women either... they just don't 'fancy' him.  image
    Yeah, that fits. With such a person, I'd be asking questions about their childhood...


    ...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past

    Or of course it could be that due to lack of confidence with regards to women, and not a lot of success on that front, that he just assumes women won't fancy him, so maybe unconsciously has become sort of asexual? This will mean women maybe are less likely to fancy him?

  • It's nothing a good seeing to wouldn't sort out. 
  • Attraction is a strange beast.  I find confidence very attractive, yet I'm not a particularly confident person myself.  I also don't mind a little bit of madness because I'm pretty level (or at least I think so, wibble).  My last girlfriend ticked all sorts of boxes, but there was something missing and I think it was little bit of drama.  I'm not talking about a firey relationship, I hate arguments, but I think the best comes out of me when I'm in support rather than centre stage.  That's probably more about me having trouble accepting help and wanting to remain emotionally independent though.  So maybe I'm the screw up image
  • popsider wrote (see)
    It's nothing a good seeing to wouldn't sort out. 


    Aye, true enough.  You can't beat a really good shag with someone you're into image

    BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

  • MadameO wrote (see)

     I'm not saying I have a romantic ideal or anything, just that if I do it again it has to feel right. I don't want mind games, or that sense that I/they want something other than what we are.


    I had a couple of "mind games" type relationships after 1st marriage broke up.  God, they are hard work!  They did sort of leave me in a "I need to be in a relationship to be happy" frame of mind afterwards though.  Took a couple of years of being single to get me through that.  I can remember coming down the stairs one morning, realising I had a good job, a nice house, a few good friends and was fit and healthy, and deciding that I was ok on my own.  My only regret would be that I never had kids.

    About a month later, my now husband and father of my daughter and I got together.  We'd known each other on and off through work for about 10 years, but it was only then that we were both single at the same time, spent a bit of time together "as friends" and hit it off.  We are very similar, and there is no pretence on either side.  We can (and do) share everything - something I've never had before - and are equals in the relationship (except he can't cook, but I'll let him off  image

    I know someone c.50 year old who was looking for a younger woman, but it was definitely due to him wanting kids and knowing that someone the same age would rule that out.  (he's found a lovely late thirties lady, who suits him very well)

  • Lee the Pea wrote (see)
    BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.

    Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you?  image

    I wouldn't say say I'm a flat-liner, but I'm not one to scream and shout.

    I have changed over the past couple of years though and have a much better idea of what I'm not prepared to put up with now.

  • Lee the Pea wrote (see)


    ...or maybe he's just been really hurt in the past and is scared of getting hurt again?  Happens easily.  It is hard to put yourself out there if you've been slated in the past


    It could certainly be that, though if it was,  Nam would probably know. 

    For that, Susan Anderson's "Journey from heartbreak to connection" is a good process for some people, but different things work for different people. 

    The one I like is Roye Fraser's "generative imprint" process and its descendant, Joseph Riggio's "mythogenic self" process -- but then again, you need to know the person. These are rather "inwards" approaches that repel some people, Popsiders "get a good seeing to" process is also highly regarded in the therapy world.

  • Maybe a good seeing to should be available on the NHS?  Probably work out cheaper than a course of counselling.
  • Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)
    Lee the Pea wrote (see)
    BDB, being an emotional 'flatliner' can be a bit hard going sometimes; I'd also prefer someone who is passionate and a bit fiery, and not someone who just agrees all the time, or goes along with everyone else.  People pleasers are great to an extent, but just miss that certain something.
    Yes, you're right.  If that's ok with you?  image


    Hahahaha, yeah i'll let you off image  I suppose i'm thinking about a friend of mine who is a lovely guy, but nothing seems to bother him enough to provoke a heightened emotional response.  Maybe I shouldn't critisise someone who doesn't get angry, but it just seems....odd & unnatural.  Possibly because it makes me think that if someone doesn't respond emotionally in everyday life, they might not respond in the bedroom (or kitchen or sofa or in a tree, or wherever the hell you fancy it) and that would be a shame.  I like the passionate ones imageimageimageimage  

    Hmm, I need a man.... image

  • Badly Drawn Bloke wrote (see)
    Maybe a good seeing to should be available on the NHS?  Probably work out cheaper than a course of counselling.
    Hahahahaha.  I can see the headlines now "Tory Cutbacks Result in NHS Rogering"
  • Lol - or the an NHS financial statement "We're f**ked"
  • National Hump Service image
  • I don't think over-analysing relationships leads anywhere other than to a therapist's couch/divorce court myself.

    I mean, look at Woody Allen - he married his own daughter!

  • Lee the Pea wrote (see)

    Hmm, I need a man.... image

    image Good luck around here, other than BDB of course.
  • image Hahahahaha!  Poor BDB, he'll be worried now.... image
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