Al Qaeda security officials have ordered an urgent inquiry after a man claiming to be a stand-up comedian gate crashed Osama Bin Laden's 46th birthday party yesterday.
Bernard Manning, 73, was unapologetic last night after breaching security at the "Martyrs and Freedom Fighters Working Men's Club", located in a cave on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Guests had been encouraged to attend wearing fancy dress, the theme of the evening being "How would you dress to get onto an American airplane undetected?" When Mr Manning turned up, wearing nothing but his favourite off-white - and slightly soiled - underpants, he was admitted without challenge.
Once inside, he heaved himself up onto the stage, interrupting the MC's 'shouting of the Koran in an amusing - but playful - way' routine and launched into his act, growling into the microphone "Good evening ladies and gentlemen ...are there any Pakis in here tonight?" At this point, one guest told us, "you could have heard a grenade pin, well, drop". Although Mr Manning admits that it was "a pretty tough crowd" he claims that eventually they warmed to his routine, particularly when he did "the one about the American, the Palestinian and the Jew." However, a group of masked gunmen eventually bundled him off stage, telling him in no uncertain terms to finish his pint and get out.
Oddballs and eccentrics have plagued the Bin Laden family many times in the past few years, many attracted by their money, power and rather fetching beards. However, it was in the 1980's when Osama himself was the target of an obsessed fan, believed to have been in the CIA, who kept sending him flowers, chocolates and "substantial quantities" of weapons.
It is understood that this latest incident was staged by Bernard Manning in order to publicise Channel Four's new programme, "Bernard's Bombay Dream", in which he wows the crowds with his sophisticated observations on modern life, punctuated by hilarious gags about black people. Whatever the motive, the stunt upset Mr Bin Laden, who had been patiently waiting to watch the Chuckle Brothers, his favourite act and a regular booking for his parties.
Said an enraged Osama, "I was all keyed up to shout out 'To me, to you', when this decadent infidel invaded my gathering and brought shame upon me, with his ancient act. Frankly, I think he's been using the same material for the last thirty years. So, I hereby warn the peoples of the West, and particularly the North West - they shall pay with blood for dishonouring me with this fat f***er." One of his bodyguards added, "This was an extremely serious incident. Luckily it was only Bernard Manning this time. Can you imagine if it had been Bobby Davro, though? I can assure you that heads will roll. And you know I mean it."
However, Bernard Manning has today insisted that it was only a harmless prank. "I never meant to harm anyone and I've got nothing against this Bin Laden fella," he said, back at his home in Manchester, sitting in his favourite armchair with a plate of chips resting on his belly folds. "In fact I feel quite sorry for the lad; I've heard he's got three mothers in law! Good night and God bless all!"