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Ok, what would you do?
I've been researching my family tree of late, and have recently made a significant breakthrough.
The story so far:
My mother was adopted in 1925. She had a twin sister who was adopted by another family - they never met, and her sister is now dead. (I have made contact with her nephew and adopted sister, but that's another story).
It turns out that my Grandmother emigrated to the USA in 1929 (her mother was dead and her father had disowned her), and later married and had at least one child. As the surname of her husband is relatively uncommon, I have now managed to find addresses for 4 people living close to where she and her husband lived who have the same name.
So, the question is - do I contact these people (assuming the records are up to date, to find out if they are indeed the same person, potentially telling them they have a half sister they never knew existed, or do I leave well alone, and try to find some other way of tracing a possible new family?..........................
I just don't know.
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What KK said... I think it very much depends on whether your mother is still alive and her feelings on the matter.
Otherwise, on balance, I would definitely make contact.
(It might be a different matter entirely if your Grandmother were still alive)
Mum is still alive, although 85 and not in the best of health. She was delighted when I found information about her sister, although obviously sad that she'd missed out on meeting her. The relatives that I found (in Canada) sent photos of her sister and she was stunned (in a good way) to see them (as was I - they were identical twins in every way).
I haven't yet told her what I've found about her mother (although she knew as far as the emigration bit) as it's not something I'd do over the phone.
I have photos of her mother, and her husband, and the child. I certainly don't want to not show her those, but whether I take it further or not is still undecided.
Intermanaut - why do you say that?
(not implying that I don't agree, just looking for a balanced view)
It's difficult. Several years ago, one of my Dad's cousins contacted me as she was researching the family tree. My Dad and I don't speak and even when we did he wasn't forthcoming about his family. I told my Dad's cousin, by email, that I didn't have any information really but she could try to reach my Dad's mother, my lovely Nana. Message came back from the cousin that my Nana had died earlier that year. I was devastated that my Dad hadn't told me and also very distressed that I had to tell my brother.
I guess I would suggest whatever contact you make, be careful you don't shock anyone.
I'd always be cautious about this sort of thing. Lots of people are interested in family history, others are happy to trundle along with their own lives and never look back. And you've no way of knowing where these potential relatives stand. Not particularly helpful that, was it?
What do you hope to get out of contacting them? Would you want to develop a relationship, or just fill in some blanks? If it's the latter, I'd be hesitant about making contact.
I like the idea of contacting a more distant relative who is likely to be more removed/less impacted on by the news.
Depends... these situations can open huge cans of worms...
A close friend of mine was contacted by a young woman in Australia looking for her father, claiming to be his half-sister.
To cut a long story short, his father had had an affair and the woman in question emigrated to Australia and had the child there. Materialised his mum actually knew all about it, but it had always been swept under the carpet. His dad had early onset Alzheimers and had passed away shortly before this girl contacted the family, so it was dreadful timing for his mum who was grieving anyway, to be confronted with the offspring of her husband's ghost from the past so to speak...
Nessie
I think your idea of contact is on the right lines.I would add that it is totally up to them if they wish to contact you further
Leave it open and them free to ignore
I'd love to make contact, Sarah, but not at someone else's expense. My mother and my daughter are my only blood relatives (other than potentially this person).
I'm torn between the "leave well alone, they may not want to know" and the "Wouldn't it be lovely if......"
In that case, I think if you feel strongly about it and you're looking for something meaningful, then I'd go for it. You've no way of knowing what this person's views are, and whilst it would be unfortunate if they were upset by the contact, you shouldn't hold back based on 'what ifs'
also, if they have a strange surname, could they belong to some clan/sect/religious order who might be able to act as an intermediary? just a though
Fair point Intermanaut, and something to ponder.
FB - no idea of who might do that, but also worth thinking about. As to the Sect thing, well, anything's possible.........................
Every American wants to be Scottish or Irish, right?
I fully appreciate that this is true. But you can't know one way or the other.
I think if it were me, and my motives were good (wanting a relationship), then I'd be inclined to approach them cautiously - let them know you might be a relative without giving details and see what the response is. If they respond favourably, tread carefully in revealing the family history until you get a feel for how receptive they'll be.
If they aren't interested it might be upsetting for you (so be prepared for that) and maybe for them, but I wouldn't think they'd be terribly affected if you proceed gently.
if they are in the same area just maybe put something in the local papers about anyone knowing any information etc.......
I think you should move forward and just be ready incase they are not interested......
I would also go forward slowly.......just incase they are some kind of weidos that like to pretend etc
Nessie - you're pretty much way up there in terms of intelligence, wisdom and sensitivity; this is the sort of question people would come to YOU with.
But it's such an interesting dilemma, isn't it. I love hearing people's views on it.
I would leave them alone.
You have your family, small though it is (but perfectly formed
).
These people are strangers, that you and they have some of the same genes is just chance.
What would I do? Probably leave it well alone. I'd be thinking along the lines of people having their own (very different) lives to lead, and if they wanted to know about certain things they would search these things out themselves. Maybe the outcome would be positive all round but I wouldn't want to try and put myself in their shoes for one minute. I'll settle for the comfort of the status quo.
My problem is, much as I have a vague curiosity for where I came from and how I got here, the more I think about these things the more I get into an existential mess. Chances are, other people's minds work in entirely different ways, hence all the more reason why I'd never advise people what they should do in such circumstances, and merely pass on my own muddled thinking.
But good luck with whatever you decide!
Chances are they might find it interesting and there aren't any nasty ghosts in the closet etc but I guess you just never know...
With my friend it caused a near-meltdown of the remaining family, with him and his sister being kind of curious and interested to have some form of contact with their half sister, and their mother totally losing it and threatening to disown them if they ever dared to make contact with "that ****'s child" etc...
major, major caffaffel!!
Cool
I've done a lot of my research via Ancestry.co.uk, which links with the worldwide version - that's how I got in contact with my aunt's family and managed to get photos of my grandmother.
I might have a look at Genes reunited just in case.
Nessie, I'd be inclined to write saying I'd been researching the family tree and were they related to xxxx of xxx town as it's possible you might be related.
I've done the same, although not with such close relatives, and exchanged letters for a while with a distant relative in Australia, and a closer cousin in this country (her father and mine are first cousins).
You've no way of knowing how much they might already know, and if you are being hunted for with as much energy as you've been looking for them with. If you mention a common ancestor without mentioning the adoption (someone a couple of generations back maybe), the connection would be visible to anyone interested but not obviously disclosing what might be painful information to someone who didn't already know.
Good luck, however you decide to carry on.
No hits on Genes Reunited.
Kwilter - yes, I'm inclined to think that that's an option. My grandmother had 4 brothers, so potentially I could be a descendent on that side, and I have information further back than that too.
I'm going to mull it over for a few days - but everyone's comments have been useful. Thank you.
Can I suggest that you post this request to a North American geneology forum. is that how you spell it?
North Americans tend to be a lot more robust about secret pasts; one of the reasons people emigrated to USA & Canada was because of skeletons in closets.
In the late 19th century biagamy and adoption were very common and a lot of elder sisters were discovered to be mothers.
That sort of forum may give you a more knowledgeable response
Piers