Mental illness and running



  • image Thanks, I hope so, I feel better now we have a plan even if it is a difficult and slightly dangerous one.

    I think so, she has a duty of care to keep me safe but I think hope that pain will pass is the only thing that drags any of us through the hard times. Once I explained how I felt my lovely therapist agreed to give it a go straight away. She is worried but because it's art therapy it's at my pace anyway. She doesn't ask questions so technically I will only have to discuss things my sub0conscious is ready to discuss. The therapist wants the crisis team to keep me open on their books (but not have to see me) so I can contact them if it becomes intolerable. I don't mind but I doubt I'd contact them.

    I don't much care what the diagnosis is. It makes no difference to what is happening to me no matter whether they call it red or blue. The problem is the old diagnosis makes people dismissive and makes it hard to get help whereas the new diagnosis has its own set of difficulties.

    I am as sure as I can be that the new diagnosis is right (though equally unflattering) but unsurprisingly no one actually cares what I think! Thankfully my therapist is very experienced and pretty senior (she is head of art therapy in a large area)so she has some clout ... I haven't met the psychiatrist from the new team yet and I've only met the emergency psych from the old team twice for 20 minutes a time so I suspect they won't be involved. The silly hierarchy is annoying but I'm sure they'll squabble it out. I don't want to go to the meeting but if the OT, my Key worker and therapist are fighting for me I don't want to let them down. Will have to see what Monday brings, it's not yet confirmed because it depends on availability so I may have a temporary reprieve if it gets re-scheduled.

    I'm struggling with frighteningly rapid weight gain on the drugs (my diet is much better behaved than usual) any one got any tips?

  • Evening all - had a rubbish couple of weeks here (no where near as tough as some of yours) but just thought I'd pop in and say hello image

    Can't help with the meds and weight, SOLB, sorry image have you been able to get out again, even for a little potter?
  • I'd say a rubbish couple of weeks is rubbish no matter how tough the comparison looks (((Frodo))) anything we can do? Are you still feeling really overwhelmed by all the responsibilities you have at the moment? Any news on North Dorset?

    I'm grounded again already cos I keep fainting image I'm supposed to be careful until my docs appointment but that's weeks away so I suspect I'll go for a little potter and just stop if I feel dizzy. Naughty but I need to find ways to cope and truthfully they aren't bad faints, I'm only out for a few seconds and I think it's just low blood pressure from the meds or anaemia from my rubbish diet over the last few months.
  • Like SOLB says, tough is still tough Frodo.

    They're not bad faints? *gives you a playful punch on the shoulder* They're still faints and you need to look after yourself! I get you need to exercise but fainting is not good for you. So take it easy but at the same time, keep doing what helps! I don't know what I mean anymore. I'm going to have to go to bed, night y'all.

  • Night night Ben-o xxx
  • Shhhhhh I'm hiding. Have just refused to open the door to the crisis team. Too scared. I've text them to say I'm OK but too scared to answer, wonder if they are busy getting a battering ram! I've never not answered before
    I am a bad bad solb

    How are you feeling today Frodo? Any brighter or still struggling? (((Frodo)))
  • Hiding? Hmm. As long as you are actually ok SOLB.

    The crisis team probably don't own a battering ram, they'd have to borrow one from the police! image

  • No grounds to borrow Mr policemans big stick, I told them I am ok and not at all suicidal. They've just messaged back to say I need to collect meds from loony bin ... strangely enough if too scared to open the door to let them in I'm also too scared to open it to hurl myself out.
  • Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're telling me that being too scared to see people in your home has some impact on your desire to go outside, where there are lots of people, and go to a hospital? You have literally (not literally, metaphorically) blown my mind!

    Sometimes I really despair at the thoughtlessness of some people. So have you get a plan to get your meds?

    I have to open the door as people can see me working in the window, fortunately I'm so unfriendly though don't stop long.

  • That made me smile, sorry about the exploding mind - hope you weren't using it.

    Have you been growling at the postman again Ben-o?

    Plan is to go and collect meds when feeling better, can go up to 9pm today or tomorrow (I've taken todays so only an issue if I don't get them tomorrow)
  • As the people who talk to me or have to read what rubbish I write know, I rarely use my brain.

    Not the postman, there was some guy yesterday collecting money for dogs and cats. The poor guy...why do the good die so young???

    That sounds like a good plan. image

  • I'll do some hugs, but mainly to help me feel better (((((((SOLB)))))) (((((Ben-o)))))) ((((((Frodo))))))))))

    (please note, number of brackets used does not indicate size of hug, merely the users inability to count the number of times she is pressing).

    SOLB, I know it must be frustrating and scary, but your therapist's first responsibility is to keeping you safe from harm.  That is harm to yourself as well as from other people.  I had to be mentally strong enough before mine would go into certain parts of my brain (as I call it) and there are still lots of places we don't go if I am vulnerable for what ever reason.

    I have days where I don't open the door.  My mum has a key tho, and isn't afraid to use it.  She makes me talk to her (often it is complete drivel, like the stuff I post on here). I think our fear to go outside or open the door often comes when we want to hide ourselves away.  It's not necessarily the outside that is the problem - it symbolises our willingness/need to communicate and link in with other people.

    Is there any other way you can get your meds? Can someone else collect them for you if you explain the situation to the hospital?

    Ben-o, we had a doorstep salesman who was trying to sell us something I was actually reasonably interested in.  Only problem - he wanted first of all to talk to my parents (despite me having my son sat on my hip), then wouldn't book an appointment for a consultation unless my husband/the homeowner was present.  The house is jointly in our names, and OH works away a lot.  That guy went home with more than a flea in his ear (I sneakily picked some of the neghbour stray for this kind of situation) and I made a follow-up call to his boss.  Oh, and gave him a freshly baked chocolate brownie just to make him feel REALLY bad.

  • I want to collect money for me … the second hand grubby cooker saga is over and I have a partial refund (not fair that it's only partial but it would have been stupid to let the argument continue over £18) but after 4 months without a cooker I’ve just fallen in love with a very expensive one *knocks on ben-o’s door and grins hopefully*
    DO you need those hugs returning by ‘eck? Here’s mine with interest ((((((((((((By ‘eck))))))))))))
    I agree maybe the hiding is as much about hating me as hating the outside. I went to pick up the meds today. Felt better until the creepy neighbour appeared and spoke to me – now feeling carp again.
    Wishing life would be easier but it's a silly wish and I know it.
    I forgot to eat yesterday, am eating now and hoping to pop out for a bimble tomorrow - I don't feel faint anymore image maybe was just all the meds coming and going
    How are things with you guys?
  • By Eck, you had a go at some seemingly sexist salesman and gave him a chocolate brownie? I'll be honest, for a brownie I'd take that. But I LOVE brownies.

    You never know SOLB, if you can sell me on the your own welfare/health and that people need to eat and you'll bake me the occasional cake/brownie then I'd probably go for that. Especially if you said you couldn't cook pizza, that'd be upsetting.

    Your creepy neighbour? Does he have a moustache? That's a sure sign of creepiness, image

    I am tired to be honest, need more caffeine.

  • *hands Ben-o caffeine and an uncooked brownie and rests her case for a new cooker*
  • I've just written a nice note to creepy neighbour saying that I didn't think I'd explained well enough when I said I don't want to speak. I said I am scared of being spoken to as well. I didn't ever say 'by you' cos to be honest I'd hate it if anyone talked at me as much as he does!!

    I'm frightened it was the wrong thing to do but I've ended it by saying could we please just not speak at all. A nod, wave or a note through the door but no talking. The end. At least I've said it, am scared he'll take it badly or something but it can't be any worse than living my whole life imprisoned in the flat too scared to even go outside to put the rubbish out.

    Eeeeeek please don't go wrong. Please don't go wrong. etc etc
  • I'm sure it'll all be fine SOLB. You've said what you need and explained very nicely about that. What he does now is up to him. Some people don't get the "leave me alone" vibe (door salesmen take note).

    So how much does this cooker cost?


    Too much image it'll be fine, I'm not really overly materialistic and I'll be happy with whatever I get. Just need to keep an eye out for a good deal

    No word from neighbour yet. I don't think I've said anything offensive and to be honest if he's sulking and ignoring me it'll be a good thing. I don't think he's likely to get aggressive.

    I'm caught in a dilemma I want to go for a bimble but I don't want to eat.

    I have the spirometry test on Monday am really hoping it is asthma cos that's so treatable.

    I'm not suicidal anymore, though not yet pleased the security guard intervened, that's good news but weirdly I feel more sad and generally ouchy.

    What does the weekend have in store for you guys?
  • I care that little about money I probably would buy you something, may be a dispoable barbecue? A little gas burner? If you have a backgarden, you can make an oven out of soil and heating stones. I can't say I've ever baked brownies in one though.

    I would think that your neighbour wouldn't say anything, because that's what you've asked him to do. It'll be fine.

    You need to eat SOLB, whether you run as well is up to you. Even if it's just a salad or something awful like that.

    Good luck for Monday!

    More sad? I'm sorry. *ineffective pat on the shoulder* Why do you think that might be?

    I'm working all weekend, boo. I'm so tired.

  • *trails mud into the thread*

    Well the brownies are in the oven.

    Want me to bury work for you too?
  • Whoop whoop!

    I feel I deserve brownies after staring at a computer screen for at least 45 minutes, may be even 50.

    The work cannot be buried sadly, it has to be done.

    Did you go for a run? Or eat?

  • Erm .... I've not done either yet. In fact I've completely wasted today so far (should have done some work for you!)

    *traipses off to look in the fridge again*
  • Wasted? That's a bit judgemental. Be kinder to yourself, it might mean you eat something. image

    I'm going to go buy some brownies or something sweet because my workload demands it (in an avoidant way).

  • I'll tell you a secret *whispers* I don't like chocolate cake. You can have my share. *Looks around to see if anyone called the men in white coats*
    Have eaten now, decided that was most likely to be the sensible option! Should probably go for a walk or a bimble but I don't want to, maybe will open the curtains as a compromise - wow my life is so rock and roll!

  • You're not alone SOLB. I've met plenty (well, not plenty, at least 1) of people who don't like chocolate cake. As far as I'm aware, it's not a psychiatric disorder. I think wearing odd socks is a disorder of some kind, but I'm not sure what category it's in yet.

    Sensible is sometimes good. Ok, so curtains open? How's outside looking? Not particularly inviting, I know, but if you put on coat you could go for a brief stroll? A bit of fresh air and just being outside may help a little...

  • Curtains are open, looks pretty good actually - late afternoon sunshine weakly beating down. Can't escape without passing the neighbour who is hovering about the doorstep as usual, my compromise wait until it's dusky then pop out for a bit cos he'll be in a drunken heap and I'm not scared of the dark. Was supposed to go and see my parents and spotty dog today but I'm too anti-social. I'm not really sick now, all of this sounds worse than it is. I'm actually much better which is why I'm starting to feel guilty about the stuff I'm supposed to be doing.
    I HAVE A PAIR OF SOCKS ON just call me little miss normality image
    How's work going? Done?
  • You've got sunshine? Nice.

    With the neighbour, you could always see if he's taken in the note and just see if he'll respect your wishes. And if he doesn't, you don't have to feel bad about blanking/ignoring/walking away from him. 

    The best way to deal with guilt is by pushing it out of your head (using cake, alcohol or years aggressive defense mechanisms). No, that's not right. I mean, the guilt's only going to get worse the more you avoid something, so don't. (I'm glad you're feeling better though).

    Wearing a pair of socks doesn't make you normal, it just makes you a worthwhile human being (I'm pretty hardline on this).

    The work won't be done till next week when I've got the deadline. I've just got some feedback which has made things much, much worse. I should probably go deal with that.

  • Wow you are hardline indeed, luckily I have a not so secret thing for cool socks so I'll stay in your good books for a while
    Grr to problematic feedback; I've just drowned some guilt in my teapot ... want me to lob the feedback in too?

    How are we celebrating next week? Virtual party?!
  • Cool socks are where all the cool kids are at.

    It's ok, I'm going to crush this feedback with my mind-vice.

    The deadline is Friday, so still a few more days. The only plan I have is to sleep, so I can sleep through the virtual party and you could do the oh-so-mature thing to draw a moustache or rude words on me while I sleep (virtually).

  • Ben-o

    I love the idea of virtual graffitiimage


    Your fears may be  irrational, but your posts on here have a whole lot of logic and sense!

    I think that this thread of yours is a good friendly place, and on here, you are able to talk to all kinds of people. Would you talk to me in the street? [The little animated cartoon is of me, but I am 6'2"]

    Tomorrow I am going to do something scary. I am going to sing a song I have written - but that is not the really scary bit, I have done that sort of thing before.

    The scary bit is I am going to introduce it by playing it on the guitar. I have never played my guitar in public before. As an axman I am a real beginner. But you have to start somewhere (gulp!)

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