Mental illness and running

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  • Oooo that sounds like a brilliant idea Soupy - would you mind if I pinched it?
  • LR, I hope it all goes well with the club.  Its ok to cry if people are nice to you.  I've been doing a lot of that recently too and it is an appropriate response.  There are some amazingly kind people out there but sometimes it takes a crisis for them to make themselves known.

    And yes, Mundanies do like cheese, and bins.  Marmite is optional.  I don't think any of them have managed to get free cheese though image

    SOLB, I feel really uncomfortable in churches too.  It feels disrespectful for me to be in them as I'm agnostic but they are important places to some people and I'm 'unclean' in a religious sense.  The arcitecture, although often beautiful, is very imposing too.  It feels like the building is going to colapse in on you.

    You lot are all making me feel like going for a run.  I've got no plans for today so was contemplating doing more housework and maybe doing something a bit crafty.  But  run does sound inviting.

  • I vote run and a little less housework!



    I shouldn't have gone was an unmitigated disaster. I cried and felt like an ogre cos I'm supposed to be celebrating for solbsisminimini I am so so tearful at the moment - I don't think I'm depressed I think I'm just sad.



    Churches are weird for me. It's not a religious or moral choice I just can't stand how I feel when I'm there. I wonder if its a love thing. I can't handler the intensity of the love and Christian spirit in those few where it's present and I can't handle the cold emptiness where it isn't. It has to be something to do with worship cos I'm not too pained just in the building and I was brought up in a Christian family (lapsed by the time we were in our early teens)



    Feel like absolute rubbish. Feel very very ashamed of myself like I've done something terrible and dirty and sad .... definitely time for a run!
  • ((((((SOLB))))))

    You know that you haven't done anything wrong or dirty.  You did a wonderful thing by going to church to support your sister even though you didn't feel like going.

  • I ran  ... well sort of. My new inhaler hasn't had enough time to work so it was a bit rubbish but I feel pleased I've tried and I now know to wait another week and try again. 

    I'm half wondering if I might need my meds adjusting a little bit. I felt convinced that a hill tunnel I was driving under yesterday was going to collapse on me.

    Thanks for the hug .... I feel a bit like I'm bleating on being selfish and pathetic and not being giving enough generally. I don't feel like I have the right to be 'mememe'ing and with SOLBsis in particular I feel permanently heavy and guilty - I'm just not being supportive enough (certainly not as much as I am usually or as much as she expects)  

  • Who's bleating on?  I think you will find that the person who has posted the most and been the most self indulgent over the last few days is me.

    As for supportive, I hear that you did a huge amount to help a friend out yesterday.  Much as it is nice to be able to help out SOLBsis, she is a fully grown adult and can stand on her own two feet.  She also understands what you are going through, but you have to tell her when you are struggling.  Wonderful as she is, she isn't a mind reader image

    I've been for a run and feel so much better for it, even if it was only 2k and I struggled all the way round.  I'm beginning to feel that I could be good company at Christmas

  • More hugs for SOLB ((((((SOLB)))))).

    If you hadn't managed to go you would have felt rubbish for not going - so either way this was going to be tough for you.  I think it's better to be feeling that you did actually go even if it didn't go well.  That way SOLBsis will certainly know you made the effort for her even though it was incredibly difficult for you.

    Well done on going for a run.  If I'd had a bad experience like that I wouldn't make it out of the door again that day.  You've got so much determination and that will serve you well.

    My event went well.  Everyone was nice but not making anything particular out of what had happened.  My run was affected by nerves - but I've had far worse.- and I did finish just inside my handicap time.

     

  • ((((((SOLB))))) 

    Glad things went well for you LR

    I've started on my schedule but its taking longer than I thought. I will have to finish it this evening. I've been for a lovely lunch  with a group of elderly ladies all in their 80s but spritely as anything. I hope I'm like that when I get old. 

  • I shall be heading off tomorrow afternoon to see family for christmas which has prompted me to say something about this.  My own depression is largely triggered by family issues and it does run in the family.  I have previously dealt with this more by largely staying away - I live about 80 miles away, but as my parents have grown older I have needed to make an effort to be around a bit more.  This has largely been the cause of my worst spell to date over the last year or two.  I don't discuss this with family as I certainly think to admit this to my parents could have a really bad effect on them.  This is why actions I have taken so far are geared towards trying to do things that will help other aspects of my life in the hope that is enough to help me deal with family issues.  So far, I'm hoping this has helped as I feel a bit better about going there tomorrow than on my last couple of visits that I found really tough.  The support I've had on here has certainly played a big part with this - so thanks again to everyone.  With this problem, Christmas has not been a time that I look forward to and I find it difficult to hear cheerful Christmas music and suchlike when I'm dreading it.  That's why it was so special to me so see SOLB's first Christmas tree - a really special event that restored my belief in the spirit of Christmas and showed me what progress can be made with our problems.

  • LR, I'm not going back to my family this year for similar reasons.  Its good that you feel more able to deal with it this year and I wish you all the best x

  • Thanks Caz.  I know that others do have family problems on here.  In my case we're not talking about anything like abuse but it's a complicated situation which I may come out with more about in future.  I certainly wouldn't be justified in not going to the family - but it is certainly understable why you're not.  It just seemed an appropriate time to mention the issue as I won't be able to post for a couple of days whilst I'm away.  It's another of those not easy either way issues.  Hope Christmas is OK for you anyway.  Be thinking of you. x

  • I'm going to have a great Christmas.  I'm spending it with two very good friends, and then touring the country visiting other friends.  All have been supportive of me over the last year and some have become very special.  In 5 days I will have done something like 700 miles and seen 9 good friends, and a large chunk of my old running club.

  • Perfect - won't have to worry about you then!

  • Wishing you all the best LR. For what its worth, we haven't seen or spoken to my Mother and Father in law for about 15 years. They were very strict parents to my husband and even banned all his birthday parties for life when he was 8 years old because he misbehaved one day. Things came to a head when they supported their own daughter's  husband who pleaded guilty to raping his daughter and then disapproved of the obvious consequential divorce. They even wrote a reference to the court on his sentencing to say what a good man and father he was. Mr Soup always felt it a duty to keep in touch till then, but that was the last straw and we have felt a huge burden lift ever since. His sister and family are doing really well now thankfully.  

  • Thanks for sharing that TSD.  It's a huge decision to make so it's good to know it turned out to be the right one.

  • The downside is we have been written out of their will. But its only money. Peace of mind and a clear conscience is worth more. 

    Night all. Hope the night brings sweet dreams for everyone. 

    x

     

  • Well I'm heading off in a while.  Had a couple of setbacks since my more optomistic posting yesterday.  Need to get my act together as I really need this to go better than my last couple of visits to help my confidence in future. 

    Hope everyone has a good Christmas - or for those for whom it's a difficult time, my thoughts are with you.  I'll be back home later on Boxing Day and looking to get back out on the running from the 27th - although I might get one in earlier on Boxing Day whilst I'm away.

    SOLB - hope you're OK after yesterday.  Hope you're able to have a great time with the minis tomorrow.  You deserve it.

     

  • Hope it goes well LR, will be thinking of you.
    Haven't heard from Bricki for a while but if you're lurking you too.
    I'm not going to list our missing troops, or occassional lurkers cos I'm always worried that, being the forgetful old soul I am, I might miss someone out but lots of love and I hope there are at least some smiles to be found in the next few days for all of you.

    I feel much better ; I spoke to SOLBsis last night and told her I felt too burned out for her party today. I explained about how I'd been feeling as though I was permanently letting her down. She said that's not how she had been feeling at all. I explained to her that I'm not reading cues very well at the moment - normally I don't like being hinted at or guilt tripped but I can at least read what I'm supposed to be doing from that but over the last few weeks I don't feel very perceptive at all. I'm just not getting the hints. It feels like everything is zoomed in so that I can't see the whole picture just a whirr of confused fragments. 

    I felt hysterical after we'd talked but it must have removed the burden cos I finally slept and I still feel a swelling teariness sometimes but I'm calmer in between. I think I am just learning how to cope with real life now that I'm not retreating to my unhelpful coping strategies ... assume everyone else does that in childhood but I used a different (now unhelpful) method to survive so I'm starting again like a toddler 

    I have just received the letter that Vicky sent to my doctor about my proper diagnosis and explanations I had promised to copy it for you but Vicky has used my real name a million squillion times so it'll be just as quick and easier to read if I retype it .....

  • SOLB - good to hear all's well with SOLBsis.  It sounds like she has a real understanding of things and that should help you in the future.  Just on my way now.  Have a happy 200th page celebration whilist I'm away folks!

  • Dear SOLB's nice doctor 

    SOLB was referred for Art Psychotherapy in November 2011 with a diagnosis of Personality Disorder. After a few sessions it was my belief that, with her trauma history, her differing presentation in sessions and the difference in her image making that she had Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). SOLB completed the Dissociative Experience Scale (DES) which indicated she was dissociative. We discussed the possibility of completing the DSM-IV for Dissociative Disorders but it includes many very difficult in depth questions that Solby thought would be too much to cope with so her diagnosis is based on the following.

    DSM-IV criteria for DID

    * The presentation of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with it's own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and thinking about the environment and self)

    * At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behaviour.

    There were at least three distinct identities that attended art psychotherapy sessions over the period of therapy.

    *AN inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

    Solb sometimes did not remember previous therapy sessions and her image making varied according to which alter was present.

    *The disturbance is not due to the direct psychological effects of a substance or general medical condition.

    Other indicaters that Solb experiences are; Hearing Voices, Experiences derealisation and depersonalisation, Encountering people with whom she was unfamiliar but who seem to know her, Being in a place with no idea how she arrived there, Experiencing blanks in memory when she couldn't recall what had happened, Attending family functions and at some point no longer remembering being there or what had happened, History of childhood trauma where she had no one to whom she could turn to for help and protection, Internal system of rules and regulations which she was not allowed to talk about. 

    Having got to know solb I put it to her that I did not believe she had a personality disorder but that she had DID, a post traumatic response to her childhood traumas. 

    I gave an explanation of DID and she felt that this diagnosis better fitted her experiences.

    Overy the past year SOLB has addressed childhood traumas and has a better understanding of what she presently experiences.  She is feeling more grounded and more real and, although she knows there are still issues to address, she feels ready for discharge from the Psychological Therapies Service. 

    She will continue to work with Sally, her care co-ordinator, addressing solby's OCD.

    If in the future there is a need to address any other issue/s Solb can be referred back to Art Psychological Therapy Service.

    Best Wishes

    Lovely Vicky  

  • Apparently there are some people in mental health, who don't recognise DID as a diagnosis (despite all the new research) but as Vicky said the facts speak for themselves; 9 years in Psychiatric services with the wrong diagnosis - referred to Vicky as a difficult to treat stuck case ... one year of correct diagnosis and treatment and I'm better. 

    She has also included an artical explaining cos lots of GP's are unfamiliar with it - though the mental health trust are currently running training courses on recognising and treating disociative disorders so hopefully that'll change. 

    ..... 
    Sorry I got distracted MummySOLB is in floods of tears because she and SOLBsis have had a disagreement image I know Mummysolb is crying and I'm pretty sure poor SOLBsis will be too. Stupid Christmas putting stupid expectations on everyone and making people cross and grumpy about stuff that doesn't matter image 

  • Oooh 200 pages image

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    Great stuff SOLB image

     

    I hope everyone is having a relaxedand enjoyable time, and don't forget that some things you cannot change.

  • How are the Christmas dinner for MummyBear preparations going? 

  • I have enough to feed six people for a week! image

     

    But I still need to make shortbread image

     

    How's things in SOLBland?

  • So little understanding about mental health out there. Glad you found someone with an open mind to find your diagnosis SOLB. Sorry to hear about family arguments though.

    I'm all set for the next couple of days. Just got to do some tidying and find the big table cloth which doesn't get used much. Hope everyone has an enjoyable festive period. 

    Bear - I'll hang around while you make the shortbread if I may. You will need somebody to test it I'm sure. image

    Edit - in all my excitment at testing shortbread I forgot to share my success today. I've been in the office that I have anxiety about 3 times this morning and didn't wibble once. I calmly took one of the shared chocolates and carefully and deliberately unwrapped it in front of everyone, I stopped for a conversation with one of the few people in there who talk to me without going red and trying to rush out and it really didn't bother me that a couple of people couldn't say hello to me.  I'm making progress. I understand totally what SOLB says about seeing thinks in zoom and not the wider picture. My picture zoomed out this moring. image image

  • I feel calmer about their argument now, glad I didn't get involved. It is horrible when MummySOLB cries. She's quite a sensitive soul and really, really hurts when people are mean to her. I remember being about 13 and having a row about clean socks or something before school - I called her a bitch as I left the house and promptly forgot all about it. I was so shocked when Mum came home at 6pm and immediately burst into tears saying 'I'm not a bitch because ...' poor MummySOLB had been ruminating on it all day and I'd completely forgotten my careless, callous comment. 

    I don't even know where to start being grateful about finding Vicky; I'm so so lucky that my psychotherapist on the old team got another job after just 8 weeks and I was then forced to move to the new mental health team and to start seeing Vicky. Ironically I really didn't want to do art psychotherapy it sounded patronising like we'd be drawing pretty pictures or she'd be interpreting my paintings ... I honestly thought it sounded childish and pointless - how wrong was I?!!  

    I forgot to get any shopping in, the fridge is almost empty but I don't mind cos I don't want to be too festive tomorrow. I'll do the Christmas bit with the girls in the morning then retreat. 

    *joins the queue behind Soupy* you  might need a second opinion image 

  • Merry Christmas. image image image

    I smiled at your letter from 'lovely Vicky' SOLB

    D is unhappy about making the people he cares for so unhappy, it hurts him. How silly is that. image 

    I could make some shortbread for D, he likes that and can eat it when it's so crumbly and melt in your mouth. Or I could just steal some of Bears shortbread.

  • I smiled at my letter too image 

    D told me that too, it made me cry I think that might possibly have been the worst response in the world - stupid eyes ... I swore a few times and sniffed some bleach and hoped he didn't notice.  You two are doing a remarkable job of caring about other people too, guess that explains why you are both so very, very loved. 

    I think stolen food always tastes better ... Bear, Bear look there are sharks in the sink  

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