Mental illness and running



  • The Dalai Lama's tweet for today is actually: "As you develop a more compassionate attitude, you feel less anxiety, while your determination and self-confidence increase."

    I'm not sure what his evidence-base is for that statement, but I like the sentiment! 

  • image I like that you try to subject the Dalai Lama to evidence based analysis!
    Easter day was pretty awful but SOLBsis and Mummy SOLB came in the evening to administer tea and sympathy. Even got to do some crawling races with my 9 month old and 4 year old nieces ... obviously I won, children are such cry babies!!
  • Hi SOLB

    Sorry to hear that the saga of the meds continues,but glad to hear that you are being positive about sticking with it If you must.

    For what it is worth my Easter was busy! Mostly with Church stuff, as well as shopping and food prep:

    Good Friday - up early (much like a normal work day) and off to Holy Week prayers & breakfast. Then Mrs BD and I went to Castle Donington to do a couple of readings for their walk of witness. [not many people about to actually see or hear our efforts, which was a bit disappointing]

    Holy Saturday - The two of us were leading the prayers, so again up and out earlier to be ready for it. I had done a lot of preparation for this, making a model tomb, and "stones" to be used to think about and actually write prayers on. Mrs BD had another thing to go and do (Healing On The Streets) and I helped proof read the songs on the projector for Sunday. Later on we went back to help set out a room for a communion breakfast.

    Easter Day - not quite so early a start, Communion breakfast, clearing up afterwards, singing before the morning service as people came in, After the service, home for lunch with a couple of family visitors, wash up, rest and surprise surprise, back for the evening service.

    Today we rest!

  • WOW you really do deserve a rest. I was tempted to go to church on Sunday but then I remembered it was Easter Sunday so it would be very busy, and very overwhelming for a lost zombie.
    You sound like you are really involved in the church, how did it all come about? Did you have a sudden epiphany or was it more gradual? (if that's a bit too personal please ignore it.)
    I go to church sporadically, I don't know what I'm looking for really. I always end up feeling really hurt and crying and I never talk to anyone. Something still draws me back every few months. I wonder if I'm hoping the atmosphere will be full of love ... if I am I should change churches cos the one that was nearest me is full of anger at petty politics and cliques. I've moved house now so perhaps the new one would be a warmer place - the cynic in me doubts it especially as I wouldn't let them in!
  • SOLB

    It was gradual and is still ongoing.

    I went to Sunday School (Methodist) as a boy, but it did not take.
    Most of my life I have considered myself as a "don't know" an agnostic, and there is still much of the agnostic about me now.

    However following the premature birth of our second son (30 years ago), Mrs BD started going to the Baptist Church.
    At her suggestion I started singing in what was then the music group, and I found that singing had a strong spiritual influence on me - I would say then that 'I am a believer when I sing'.

    A few years ago I decided to try something, and I made a choice to (try to) believe in God in general, and in the Christian take on God in particular. Almost as soon as I had made this decision I found that I was now writing spiritual poems and songs.

    But I was still resisting actual commitment, I was not prepared to call myself a Christian.

    Then one morning I imagined myself looking down over the edge of a cliff. This is something that I sometimes do which really scares me as I imagine myself falling to my death.
    This time however I imagined that I was looking down on the dark familiar streets of a town, but if I looked up I was looking along a path by a golden river leading to a city of light and peace.
    The thought was if I took a step would I find myself falling to my death in the dark streets or starting on the long path towards the city of God?
    I did not feel ready to take that step.

    Then I was invited to a meeting where I knew that I would be asked if I was prepared to be baptised. I had my answer ready which was Not Yet.
    But before that meeting I went to the Baptist Assembly. Near the end there was a  call to put up your hand if you wanted to commit to Jesus.To my surprise my hand went up. (I thought that it was better trained than that!)

    So when I went to the meeting I told them what had happened, how I had expected to be saying that I was not ready, how I still did not feel ready, but I was now prepared to take the next step on my journey.

    So I was Baptised on July 4th 2010.
    And recently I was elected as one of the deacons

    Churchs vary a lot, but our Church has been called The Church where the strange people go.

  • SOLB, when meds giving me grief in morning and I'm paranoid about people seeing me plod slowly I go plodding at night. I like the dark, less people, traffic and noise, less for the brain to process, not that there is much brain left.
  • Yep, today hurts too
  • Hey SOLB, can I offer a large mug of tea (all prepared in my very safe kitchen) and a packet of super healthy biscuits? They are actually chocolate digestives but the packet got a bit bashed so all the calories fell out. It's true. Broken biscuits contain no calories! A bi-polar friend of mine told me.
  • Thank you 'by eck that made me laugh ... thank heavens for your biscuit revelation I'm bored of being on a diet, especially as the increased Quetiapine is causing rapid weight gain regardless of how angelic I'm being.
    I've made myself worse today with a constant stream of criticism and abuse ... not feeling all that brave and strong.
  • My hubby took that. It certainly knocked him out and sent him a bit dolally but I've seen other people do brilliantly on it. I really hope it makes things better for you.
    Weight gain is horriblewhen you feel so rough about yourself. I would say that my mum ballooned to 17st when she was at her worse, and is now 10 st. She had to wait until the medication wad working and she could do something about her weight in a controlled, positive way rather than 'punishing herself'. I have a feeling you'll know what I mean, but if you don't I apologise.
    I think that anyone who can articulate how they are feeling and is willing to share that is incredibly brave and strong!
  • Big D I'm not ignoring your powerful post am just not quite alert enough to do it justice.

    I've been on Quetiapine for years, I hate it but I've learned to live through the anti psychotic haze. The emergency psychiatrist upped the dose and I can't cope with the high level. I think he was wrong. He upped the dose to help with sleep (though I told him that wasn't a problem) and to make up for the Sertraline which made me paranoid and anxious. We've added Duloxetine for the anti depressant and sleep was fine so I think I should be able to return to my usual dose. I wasn't having a psychotic episode I went to jump off a bridge cos therapy has caused extreme flashbacks and turned my present into a traumatic nightmarish whirl. I hate being scared all the time but I don't want to be replaced by a zombie either.
    I do understand what you mean about the punishment thing, weirdly its running that's pulling me off the wrong track even though I'm not doing it. I decide not eating is easier then realise if I don't I'll get stuck in it for a week or two (cos I always do) which would jeopardise my return to running.
    Today has been the worst for a while but mostly cos I've gained more awareness - my thoughts are frantic, sad and loud rather than absent. Maybe that's progress of sorts.

    Thanks so much for the support x
  • SOLB

    That's OK! Take your time.

    As you can see - Sometimes I post more than a couple of words.

  • Aww SOLB, I'm sorry to hear today's not a good day. I've just made tea, but don't have any biscuits. I might consider giving you the last piece of my mum's shortbread, it is amazing.

    I think you are brave and strong, criticism or feelings won't change that. You might not feel it, but if there's one thing I know about you it's that you've got guts girl! Sometimes it's about surviving right here and now rather progress. You can't make progress if you're dead!

    Take care,


  • No I don't suppose so but I don't think it hurts for as long either, one splatt is quicker than years of dragging yourself through therapy. Don't worry no bridges tonight, I'm too lazy.
  • I'm considering going for a jog *shudders at the profanity of the j word* am not sure if I can find the motivation or the bravery to a) see how badly my running gear fits (or not as the case may be) b) go outside where people are and c) get seen jogging and heaving on the Ventolin ...... tea first then decide or catapult out of bed and just do it
  • Try a walk/jog plan. See how it goes. Your running shoes should still fit! If it goes well, you'll be justifiably proud. If you don't go as far as you planned - don't worry. You have got yourself organised and outside! well done
  • image excellent point well made with regards to running shoes
    I've got my answer, am still dizzy so gonna have to have breakfast first then head out
  • The jogger has returned image

    By 'eck your wise counsel is now my Facebook status.

    My lungs hurt, my ears feel funny, my calves are complaining and I feel happier
  • Awesome news SOLB, good job!

    I'm glad you're feeling happier .

  • I'm hoping to get to the gym later for a treadmill run. Not my favourite thing, but it's the only option I have today.
    You fb too SOLB?
  • Hello SOLB,
    I hope you're not joggerphobist some of use are aspiring to be able to say I went for a 5k jog this morning image
    I've managed to hurt my hip while asleep. most peculiar. I finished the
    Olympic Park run. Walked twice joint probs so me not happy bunny. The route was good, one lap and not too hot, wouldn't like to do it in hot weather as no shade at all, perhaps they will plant loads of trees once Games are over.
    'Twas good thing I wasn't eating when I read by 'ecks post about broken biscuits made me laugh so much couldn't get me breath. Tomorrow I plan to plod may even reach jogging pace, I will think of you real runners.
    Hugs to you all

  • image nope not really curlyplodder, just appealing to the masses. I'm helping my Mum get into running and am quite literally beaming with pride every time she adds another 60 secs running onto her run-walk programme, I know how hard it's been for her to get out there and get started and I think I appreciate the achievements that she hasn't even spotted yet.

    Ouch to the hip, either you've been rather athletic in your sleep or you've been lying strangely lets hope for the latter and that it sorts itself out soon. Must have been frustrating when the joint probs forced a walk but still you finished the Olympic park run, so that's 3.5k more than me and 5k more than most image

    Can I come for a virtual plod with you tomorrow? I'm planning on repeating exactly the same one mile jog, I don't care about the distance or the speed just relieved to catch some endorphins ... I stayed cheerful for 5 hours today on the back of the run, the gloom kinda caught me up but it's not the same if you have a plan to chase it away again; even hope for temporary relief is still hope image

    How did the treadie run go by 'eck? I have to confess to being useless on a treadmill. I can't handle being able to just get off and stop .. it makes me pathetic and I decide I just can't go on, a thought that doesn't occur when I'm miles from home!

    Yes I'm on FB too, though to be honest I only post utter drivel. It demonstrates a major sugar addiction, an aptitude for stating the obvious in a convoluted way and shows the whole world how very supportive & lovely my friends are. I'll gladly add you if you like, but I can guarantee you'll be bored within about 5 minutes on my profile

    Ben-o thank you so much for your support, meant a lot that you cared image

    I really must get some sleep but I'm too tired if that makes any sense. gonna just try to read for a bit. I am naughtily not taking the increased anti-psychotics am taking my old dose and will talk to my therapist about it on Monday. I just can't cope with the zombie pills and I think hope has caught me unawares so no need to be sedated to prevent bridge hopping.


  • Hello SOLB, your welcome to join me on virtual plod anytime. I was weak willed today and stopped after 1.72miles, boredom set in I need someone to distract me. Hope to shove myself out this evening and do couple of miles, perhaps plod to gym and do weights, bus it back.

    Treadmills are hell in my gym crap air conditioning so only use them for 12min HIT hill sessions no hills nearby.

    Can you get your shrink to agree to you adjust your dose as needed?

    At least you post stuff on FB all I do is play Farmville passes the time when unable to sleep doesn't take to much concentration great for jelly brain and can enlarge screen when meds have messed up vision. Im waiting for a Windows 7 compatible Scrabble to come out, had it on my old computer but that was Vista.

    Hope you got some good sleep
  • Ooh, can I get in on the FB drivel?

    Curly, I can't believe you're calling youself weak-willed when you A) Go running B) Go running twice in one day C) And then possibly go the gym and do weights! That's hardcore! I struggle to even motivate myself to go for a run.

    If anyone's interested, there's an inquiry into the diagnosis of schizophrenia and anyone can have their say: Schizophrenia Inquiry

    I hope everyone's had a good weekend.

  • Thanks curlyplodder, will have to be virtual plods for a little bit. I have managed to faint a few times in the last few days, it’s not particularly dramatic, I’m not out for long and I don’t feel too dreadful but it does make running a little irresponsible (I may do it anyway we know how stubborn I am!!)

    The inquiry is interesting Ben-o, I had a little nosey but didn’t have anything useful to contribute!

    How are you all getting on? I feel mean I’ve been neglecting you over the last few days. I have been pretty rubbish though I’m feeling better this evening.

    My therapist and I are in a tricky position she doesn’t feel it is safe to carry on with therapy but I don’t feel it is safe not to. She is worried that the stuff we are talking about will make me feel unsafe and that because I feel unsafe at home there is too much risk in doing it. I feel like we are in checkmate, I can’t change the home situation, I can’t change the past and I can’t get back my coping mechanisms any faster (running mostly, awaiting more tests spirometry and heart trace) From my point of view I can’t bear for things not to change and the only thing I can change in all this is me, therefore the only thing that can possibly move is therapy. She sort of agrees but is genuinely concerned. I feel a bit guilty that’s a lot of responsibility for her, she is continuing cautiously against her better judgement.

    Medwise we’ve doubled the anti-d’s I haven’t had chance to ask about reducing the antipsychotics but I am still taking my normal dose and haven’t fallen apart.

    Hoping you’re all oK, you’ve been quiet while I’ve been sulking in the corner

  • (((((SOLB))))))
    I was wondering how things were going. I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough.
    Have they changed your diagnosis recently?
  • They are fighting about it image
  • Hmm SOLB, that's tough about therapy. But I think you're the one who has the make the call at the end of the day. You're the one who'll know when it's too much and when it's ok. After all, you keep yourself going between sessions. So you must be coping in some way, right? Even if it doesn't feel like it.

    I suppose it's also about just talking about it and what you need. I have everything faith in you that you know what the right thing for you is. image

    As for diagnosis...ugh, just why?

  • Thanks Ben-o, I appreciate that it's risky but I think if we do nothing then there's a 100% chance of suicide cos I know that I can't cope now and there's no hope of anything else changes it's completely outside of my control - if we try and move forwards then whatever the percentage risk it's less than right now cos at least I'm pushing through until next week to give it a try.

    It's hope for change and if it's too much for me I don't see how we've lost anything. My therapist is brilliant, she is very, very experienced and knows what she is doing. I know why she is worried but I think it's the only chance I have. Luckily (after pulling some 'OMG I'm not sure about this' faces!) she has agreed to give it a go.

    Diagnosis is very annoying, I moved to a different area so got a new team. The new team immediately thought the old diagnosis was rubbish (which it is) so we have been working with the new one which makes a lot more sense. However, after the homeless saga I was forced to move somewhere that is just over the border and technically back in the old team. That means that my day to day care; therapy, OT, Key Worker etc are all in the new place and the Crisis Team and emergency Psychiatrist belong in the old team. The Crisis Team and emergency psychiatrist are sticking to their original diagnosis and the new team are adamant that they are right with the new one. They are all getting together for a meeting about it on Monday and I have to go image I don't want to but I'm not allowed to skive off it even though it sounds horrible.

  • Oh no, I was on about the risk I was saying you can do it!

    You're right about being hopeful, I suppose your therapist is just trying to keep you safe. But it's like in that well-known inspirational film, The Halls of Montezuma (WWII, the US Marines invade a Japanese isalnd), "Hope is the mother of mankind". Cheesey but true!

    This is one of the many issues I have with diagnosis, where (and tell me if I'm wrong) the professionals seem more interested in it than you are. You just seem to want suffer less. As for skiving off...skiving is bad but if the meeting is going to cause you're stress you have to look after yourself. Also, they can't detain for not going to a meeting. I'm sure they can't. image

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