Christmas songs

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O ' er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While shepherds watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd ' s has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


  • Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

    Little Donkey

    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ' little ' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

    We three kings

    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ' cash for gold ' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    Away in a manger No Crib for a Bed - Social services?
  • PMSL             image
  • Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Tis the season to be jolly,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Don we now our gay apparel,
    Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
    Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    I can see this being a big problem as well!

  • LOL, ginge'mouse - I guess they were afraid to even start on that one!
  • Loving it image
  • This would be very funny if rather sadly it is probably true!!!! and been issued by Hackney Council!!!!image
  • Gay apparel and trolling - sounds like an average lycra-clad day on the RW forums.
  • SoVeryTired wrote (see)
    Gay apparel and trolling - sounds like an average lycra-clad day on the RW forums.
  • SoVeryTired wrote (see)
    Gay apparel and trolling - sounds like an average lycra-clad day on the RW forums.

    Speak for yourself

    and KK

    and Goldbeetle

    and Slowfoot

    and point taken.

  • Brilliant image
  • The Holly and the Ivy...
    You could prick yourself on the holly and the ivy could poison somebody. Has anyone carried out a risk assesment?

    Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
    Has anyone checked the noise levels from the bells and is that bell tower safe?

    Frosty The Snowman...
    Snowman? Isn't that sexist and why a snowman. That's excluding minorities as it suggesting that all people are male and white.
  • And that men are frosty individauls when we know that a lot of them can be loving and caring.
  • Oh very good
  • oiyouoiyou ✭✭✭
    all snowmen are white - that must breach some regulation as well.
  • We're walking in the air...

    apart from claiming miracles, the union for Pigs That Fly is up in arms and threatening strike action.

    It'll never happen: Risk assessment has not been completed, the CAA want a meeting re flight paths and risks to other aircraft, NASA need info re potentential UFO sightings. Do these people not know how hard it is to get anything airborne?

  • Hello, I'm a newbie and I think I must be totally mad cos I just love walking in the air! I  have done the wet-foot test and I am an underpronator - what are the best shoes for me? I want something sparkly and don't have more than £10 to spend ...
  • I'd avoid glass slippers then - they come off all to easily. Red shoes seem to work well, esp with clicking of heels.

    Failing that, a good pair of comfy slippers are traditional and come in at under a tenner.

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