OH keeps trying to stop me

I haven't really been running for long (well, a few years on and off) but only really training consistently since April this year. To begin with OH was encouraging as he realises it puts me in a good mood. However, lately he seems to be trying to talk me out of it.

For example, I had a HM 3 weeks ago, he tried to persuade me not to go but to spend the time with him instead.

Since then I have had a dodgy ankle (think I might have pushed myself a bit too hard on the HM). It is getting better now and I am starting to get out again, and he is saying 'your ankle is trying to tell you something, stop running'.

I have no idea why he is doing this. We have been married for nearly 12 years, have 2 kids. I do most of my running early morning while he is still in bed, so I can't imagine he is that jealous of the time I spend running, and I don't wake him when I get up in the mornings.

Anyone else have this problem? It is like being on a diet and someone trying to get you to eat cake all the time!!

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Comments

  • Divorce him and marry a runner
  • It's exactly like the cake thing and for the same reasons - he is trying to sabotage you.  Probably not aware he's doing it but it's all about his insecurities.  You feeling better about yourself makes him feel not so good about himself; he's worried that you getting into shape will make you want to look around and find something better etc.  It is hard to accept when someone you love wants to make changes so it's best to just talk about it, reassure him it's not got nothing to do with wanting to change him.  But if he wants to make changes too, encourage it.

    Just don't give in if you have found something you enjoy.

  • Dave - slightly extreme! and expensive! and who would look after the kids when I am running?
  • Although you say that you do most of your running when he is still asleep, could it be affecting your energy levels or making you go to bed earlier?  He could be seeing it as impacting on his time with you in other ways than just being in the same room.  He might feel that he is not getting quality time with you.

    Alternatively it might be making him realise that he isn't as fit as he would like, and he is taking it out on you.

    Or he might feel that you enjoy your time running more than you enjoy time with him.  Maybe he doesn't feel special anymore.  It's easy for a long term relationship to grow stale, especially when there are kids taking up a lot of time. When was the last time you did something romantic together such as a meal out, or even a walk in the park holding hands?

    Talk to him about it and find out exactly what is on his mind.  It might be something simple that you can resolve

    BTW, I don't expect you to answer my questions publically on here.  They were aimed at making you think rather than because I need to know.

  • hope it sorts out......

    you know that stopping running isn 't the answer unless you can look at the amount of time you spend on it and agree that its not reasonable....which it doesn't sound like it......

    try talking and use so0me of your running time to think of ways of doing things together....

    good luck
  • I think I do enjoy my time running more than my time with him - but I don't let him know it!!

    According to him I have been tired ever since I met him! I think my energy levels are actually better now though, as I am not suffering from insomnia half as much as I used to!

  • mathschick wrote (see)
    Dave - slightly extreme! and expensive! and who would look after the kids when I am running?
    It worked for me !
  • I have pointed out that some people run 70+ miles a week! makes my 25 -30 miles a week look pitiful. (mind you they probably run their 70 miles in the same time that I run 30!)
  • Hmmm I know how lucky I am now, Mrs FRC comes running with me couple times a week. She's lost 9 stone in last 18 months going from nothing to doing half / 10k races & ~20 miles running a week.

    Before then, I did have odd times when she bought or made me cakes, biscuits... "Treats" and things. Not what I wanted, straight after a run... Temptation.

    Running & exercise helps lift her mood now, obviously yours too.

    Talk to OH, explain? Sometimes it's just a subconscious thing.
  • FRC - what an amazing weight loss by Mrs FRC - that's about a whole person she has lost!

    I have tried asking him why he is doing it and told him that I don't like it - he never really replies much!

  • It's the beginning of the end - give it 5 years and you'll either be divorced or in a sham marriage staying together for the kids - happy new year.

    Or else do you include him in your running - I don't mean take him with you but tell him about what your run was like, if you race do you ask him to come and watch and stuff like that ? It might just be that he feels excluded from your new hobby.
  • I have asked him to come along to races a couple of times, but he has never wanted to, despite the fact that younger kid would like to do a fun run. However, have entered first ever marathon in April and he has no choice but to come. I am doing the Sussex marathon and we have booked a cottage for a week to combine it with a week's holiday. Haven't been able to run for a few weeks due to ankle injury and he has been saying things like 'I don't want to go to Sussex for nothing', and 'your ankle is trying to tell you something, stop running'. Funny thing is, these comments just make me more determined! I will do that marathon even if I have to walk half of it!! (hoping not)

    I did consult with him before putting the entry for the marathon in, and he agreed and he was the one to look for and book the cottage for the holiday

  • Give him "special lovin" every time you come back from a run.

    Sonn he'll be shoving you out the door.

    Guaranteed 100% success rate.
  • I can't really offer any advice but I do sympathise - my OH is a bit the same - she never asks how I got on in races, has never been to see me race - well she did once in a marathon but she's never seen me in a bike race, never offers any opinion on how her races went either and if I ask it's like pulling teeth - what can you do - some people are just like that.

  • What about finding him a hobby of his own?

    Or are the kids old enough yet to come with you so it then becomes a family run? My OH (who isnt my kids Mum) looks after my three in the park while i run laps of the park! My OH also comes to almost all of my races and enjoys supporting even when i am near the back of the pack !

  • Johnny ! Bad boy.

    First marathon should be great mathschick. Mine was ! Very emotional.

    Takes a lot of time & effort, and need OH to support you. Mine did, lots.

    Put the effort in, you'll love it. Maybe make your long training runs an event, food the night before, breakfast or lunch out after, if Saturday or Sunday. chat, talk, chill, involve him.

    To be honest, your OH is jealous... He doesn't exercise I guess?
  • My OH is a runner now and we run together most of the time but it was not always like that , My OH was a bit like yours not understanding why I wanted to run but soon came around though some times when Im training for somthing like a marathon and running a lot she still doesnt like it but at least she knows its somthing I do and its a part of my life , I hope you carry on running and things work out with you and your OH and he sees that what you are doing is somthing that you like and want to do and the best thing he can do is support you so you dont start to resent him
  • FRC - he doesn't exercise. Before we had the kids he used to play football on a Friday but he stopped that once the first was born. I have said that I want him and the kids there when I do the marathon and that it would be good if they could be at strategic points with bottles of gatorade etc!

    jonny - he doesn't want me anywhere near him when I come back from a run - too stinky I guess! image

    just tried having a bit of a talk but then I got a bit incensed when he said he 'lets' me do stuff!! What is this the 1950s!!!!

  • 25miles or so a week certainly isn't that much in the scheme of runners on this forum. But to a non runner, it probably sounds obsessional!

    It probably comes as a bit of a worry when someone you've been married to for 12 years suddenly starts a hobby up that doesn't involve you, but that's not your problemo!

    The girls I've gone out with who haven't run, always seem to think I prefer running over seeing them, however i fit it into my routine.

    Having said that I do a leeetle more than 25miles a week, so it's probably a fair comment image

    Regarding injuries, and talking about tough sessions, you have to learn that talking about them to a non runner is simply pointless, as you'll just hit a brick wall of "just rest then", or "you don't have to run", and suchlike.

    Save the running chat for on here or other running buddies!

  • What does he think of your posting on here?

  • Mr Puffy - he makes comments like 'talking to your real friends'!! As if I actually knew anyone in here in real life! And he spends most evenings on a football forum, so he should know really....

  • mathschick wrote (see)

    I think I do enjoy my time running more than my time with him - but I don't let him know it!! 

    He knows
  • E mmyE mmy ✭✭✭

    Hi Mathschick, I know your scenario oh so well. You can take a horse to water, but you cant make him drink? I have to give kudos to my other half - he at least tried a half marathon to see if he enjoyed it (but refused to come out with me on any of my training runs), then complained for a week afterwards that he couldnt walk properly.

    Now i'm training for london he's laughing at the aches and chafing pains saying "he doesnt want me to get hurt" "this really doesnt sound like it's doing me any good"..... and i'm like you - the more negative he is - the more determined I become.

    I use running and the gym as "me time". He can play computer games and do his thing but you need to have something of your own to cherish. I guess you need to have a sit down with him with no distractions and ask if he's going to support you and ask about his feelings to try and work out if it's insecurities or something else.

    Don't give up something that makes you happy.

  • Hi Emmy

    good to hear someone else has the same problems, well, not good, but you know what I mean. Apparently if I talk to him about it he interprets that as me complaining about aches, niggles, problems etc. I am only trying to have a conversation with him abut things other than everyday practicalities! Maybe I should not speak to him about running, but then isn't that worse and going to end up with us going separate ways?

  • mathschick wrote (see)

    I think I do enjoy my time running more than my time with him - but I don't let him know it!!

    mathschick wrote (see)

     And he spends most evenings on a football forum, so he should know really....

    Perhaps he does know.

    Maybe there's more to it than just his dislike of your running - but can you try to work out some kind of schedule where you both have "me time" to carry out your interest, on your own, while the other one looks after the children - so that at least it's seen as "fair" by both sides?  If he's on a football forum, is that because he plays too?  If so, do you go and spend the match on the sidelines, supporting him?  Maybe he feels hard done by in that respect.

    And - while you may want to see him and your children at the end of the mara, it's about your achievement, not theirs, which is why he may not be too keen.  If you look at it from their point of view, they have to hang around for hours, with probably not much to do and they probably don't understand what it means to you.  You don't say, either, how old the children are - perhaps he thinks they're too young to spend that time waiting for mum to pass the finishing line.

    I've only asked mine to come to one race with me - they had an interest in the charity for whom I was running.  It was only 10m and they said that it was a pretty tedious affair, they had nothing to do while waiting, so I don't ask people along, just go on my own. 

  • Does he go to the pub with his mates, to watch footy, play darts, pool?
    Your running is the same thing to you!
  • I think part of the problem is that he doesn't have mates, doesn't go to the pub, doesn't play football. He just stays at home all the time, doesn't want to do anything. I have said that if he wants to go somewhere. do something, he can, but no, just wants to be here.
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