Want to race but cant

hi all

I only started running again recently and am enjoing it a lot. So much that have planned to do as many events this year as possible, to keep my interest, motivation and fitness up.

My husband is a runner as well and run a few events up to a couple of years ago, then stopped and started again soon after I joined my local club (but he joined a different club). He is very happy that I have started running however I feel I m not getting the support I hoped I would get.

As we are planning the same races the first thought in my mind is our kids (10 and 12 Years old). Who is going to look after them? (cant rely on family or friends)  I suggested that we take it in turns, of which races to enter, and look after the kids while the other is racing. His response was no. He is adamant that he is doing the races. As far as he is concerned the kids can wait at the finish line as we both run at the same time. I m not comfortable with that at all.

I feel very annoyed about his attitude and am not far away from saying sod it Ill stop running, let him get on with it and be done.

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What do you think?? Has anyone been in a similar situation and can give advice?

thanks

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Comments

  • I don't think I would be happy with leaving a 10 year old waiting at the finish line either.

    I think you need to sit him down and tell him that that is just not fair.

    The other alternative is: is there anyone else in your running club that has childcare issues with races? Could you make an arrangement with them to take turns and look after each others' kids at the staft/finish lines? (or at home).

    A naughty part of me thinks this would be particularly effective if the other person was a single dad, as en element of jealously might make your husband see sense!!

  • Bloody hell!! Just tell him kids are a shared responsibility. Why did he have kids if he didn't want to take a turn every now and again? I must admit it was never a problem in our household where we all are runners including the kids (grown up now and left home). There are loads of subtle underhand ways I can think of to make his life hell..... but you too are a woman and we are a resourceful bunch! Joking apart, I feel for you SC - the simple answer is to enter different events? I am still seething for you over the fact that he actually stopped running and only started again when you did... can you not start making yourself scarce on his running club nights....
  • Slow_coach wrote (see)

    I feel very annoyed about his attitude and am not far away from saying  sod it Ill stop running, let him get on with it and be done.


    Don't - it sounds as if he's just jealous and giving up is exactly what would suit him.  If you enjoy running then you should be able to continue - both of you.

    It sounds to me as if he's being unreasonable - the obvious thing would be to run different races so that one of you is able to stay with the children.  IMHO, at the ages that you've mentioned, I'd consider them too young to be left on their own during a race - I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the race if I'd left my children on their own under those circumstances.  The law is a bit vague about leaving children on their own at that age, so I'd be careful from that point of view.

    As a single parent, I have to manage my training around the times when my children are at school and my races can only be on specific weekends, within a specific travelling distance from home.  There have been a number of times when I'd have liked to have done a certain race but couldn't because of looking after the children.

    mathsschick wrote (see)

    A naughty part of me thinks this would be particularly effective if the other person was a single dad, as en element of jealously might make your husband see sense!!

    I'd hate to be used like that.  As an SP, I know how difficult it is to train and get to races (as described above) and while I'd be more than happy to help out another SP (whether mum or dad) I'd hate to think that someone was just using me or taking advantage of me in that way.  I'd also hate to be dragged into someone else' domestic issues.

  • Jeepers  wrote (see)
    mathsschick wrote (see)
    A naughty part of me thinks this would be particularly effective if the other person was a single dad, as en element of jealously might make your husband see sense!!

    I'd hate to be used like that. 

    Jeepers - I know whick is why I said 'a naughty part of me' - I wouldn't actually do it! It is just the kind of thing you think of when you are annoyed I think.

  • Well, I still think he's a selfish *%£"* - this is 2012 not 1812 children are not simply the responsibility of the woman!
  • mathschick wrote (see)
    Jeepers  wrote (see)
    mathsschick wrote (see)

    A naughty part of me thinks this would be particularly effective if the other person was a single dad, as en element of jealously might make your husband see sense!!

    I'd hate to be used like that. 

    Jeepers - I know whick is why I said 'a naughty part of me' - I wouldn't actually do it! It is just the kind of thing you think of when you are annoyed I think.

    Still not a very nice thing to say or think.
  • mathschick wrote (see)

    I think you need to sit him down and tell him that that is just not fair.

    The other alternative is: is there anyone else in your running club that has childcare issues with races? Could you make an arrangement with them to take turns and look after each others' kids at the staft/finish lines? (or at home).


    Hi mathschick, thanks for your reply. I did try to discuss things with him but he just brushes it off as he made is mind up and in his opinion there is nothing to talk about. In his opinion if our son is old enough to make his way to school by bus 10miles away (albeit once a week) he is old enough to wait at the end of the race.

    Im new to my club and most of them are man (where the wife doesnt run) or single younger ladies who take part in all races. Was not considering begging for childcare when I have a husband and I believe that we are a team and we should support each other. 

    Tigerlily wrote (see)
    Bloody hell!! Just tell him kids are a shared responsibility. Why did he have kids if he didn't want to take a turn every now and again? I must admit it was never a problem in our household where we all are runners including the kids (grown up now and left home). There are loads of subtle underhand ways I can think of to make his life hell..... but you too are a woman and we are a resourceful bunch! Joking apart, I feel for you SC - the simple answer is to enter different events? I am still seething for you over the fact that he actually stopped running and only started again when you did... can you not start making yourself scarce on his running club nights....

    Hi Tigerlily,
    the kids have done a couple of kids races prior to the larger event, yes, when they are older they can either participate or be left alone without any issues.

    Participate a different events? Yes if I take up javelin or windsurfing image,  he has

    intention to participate in every local race . He is also under the impression that he is under obligation to represent his Club at every event! image

    For example I did a 6m xc race soon after I started training and quite enjoyed it. Talking to my hubby about it, he said that he didnt have any interest at all in XC running. He didnt like the uneven surface, he said it causes injuries and it was not fun. I could not persuade him, UNTIL he joined his Club, they told him "why dont you join us on this /that xc race" and next thing he bought himself a pair of xc trainers (which I said try it before you commit to spending £60 odd for a race you might not enjoy?) and now he does all the XC he can, to represent his Club (according to his work shifts). 

    So essentially we want to enter the same sort of events (10m / 10k) for now then in a few months time I want to attempt my first ever 1/2 marathon but he is taking all the fun away. I feel like Im competing against him and Im not good enough, a nuisance, a spoil sport, the newby trying to take all the fun away from him.image

    PS dont worry I wont try the 'jelousy' technique. It's just not me. image

  • I think you've hit the nail on the head SC - he feels threatened by you. Imagine, (shock horror!!) if you beat him? Do you not have a friend close by who'd help out? I'd be bloody fuming too... in fact I am, on your behalf!! Send him to live with me for a month - I'll sort him out!!!!
  • jeepers - sorry, I really didn't even mean it to sound that bad, wish I could take it back. I should think before I type!

    anyway, SC - I think you should try to talk to him again and tell him exactly how you feel. He probably does feel potentiall jealous of who you might be running with when you are with your club - he doesn't know who is there and if he is like my OH will be feeling jeakous unnecessarily.

    How come he joined a different club anyway?

  • Tigerlily wrote (see)
    I think you've hit the nail on the head SC - he feels threatened by you. Imagine, (shock horror!!) if you beat him? Do you not have a friend close by who'd help out? I'd be bloody fuming too... in fact I am, on your behalf!! Send him to live with me for a month - I'll sort him out!!!!


    Oops I didnt mean anywhere that he feels threatened by me, its not possible. He has been running for years and done several events, in good shape. I just started and am overweigh (by about 2 st max) no way he is threatened by me. He knows he is better than me. I am fuming too, believe me.

    By the way where do you live image

    mathschick wrote (see)

    jeepers - sorry, I really didn't even mean it to sound that bad, wish I could take it back. I should think before I type!

    anyway, SC - I think you should try to talk to him again and tell him exactly how you feel. He probably does feel potentiall jealous of who you might be running with when you are with your club - he doesn't know who is there and if he is like my OH will be feeling jeakous unnecessarily. How come he joined a different club anyway?


    Dont worry, I have no intention to do that image

    I'll try and tell him or show him the thread, hummm image

    He joined a different club because in his evaluation his Club is better than mine image I guess it's MUCH bigger and better organized, oh well... my club it'll do a mediocre runner like me.

  • All I can add (as a non saintly husband and father of 3) is that I believe your OH's behaviour is unreasonable. He should be able to find an acceptable compromise. Also do not give up something which you enjoy.
  • SC - he could feel threatened because he might worry that you will become good at something he has always seen as something that he is far better at. Once you have lost weight and done some training your times might get as good as his (or even better).

    Maybe he doesn't realise just how much this is upsetting you. It took me a couple of goes of speaking to my OH. He was a bit upset when he realised I had posted on here asking for advice when he kept trying to stop me from going out the door to run/race

  • SC - I'd second what Mathschick says - he DOES feel threatened. Or else he thinks because he is the "better" runner why would it bother you not to run when you are at such an inferior level? (utter b*****ks!)

    .......... thank you JP for your input - even you (non-saintly LOL) can see this isn't fair. It's just plain wrong on any level.

    I have no solution for you SC - what I would do and what you WILL do or are willing to do will be totally at odds because we are different characters. I hope you can make him see sense. Surely it is your right as mother of his children to be able to do something that is close to your heart with his support?

    I'm going to get a glass of wine before I implode.... LOL xx
  • A one-time single parent writes:

    Of course it's unfair, assuming that the OP's account is truthful and complete. Always hard to judge when given just one side of the story. That said, he does sound like a bit of a deluded wannabe alpha type. He is acting selfishly and unreasonably and seems to think that it's your job alone to mind the kids.

    I'd remind him gently, or not so gently, that partnership or marriage or whatever is a joint enterprise between two equals. It's all about sharing the good and the not so good. He should learn to take turns.

    Put him on short rations until he gets the message.

  • +1

    Hit him where it hurts.image

  • A bad case of blue balls can be highly persuasive.
  • Muttley wrote (see)

    A one-time single parent writes:

    Of course it's unfair, assuming that the OP's account is truthful and complete. Always hard to judge when given just one side of the story. That said, he does sound like a bit of a deluded wannabe alpha type. He is acting selfishly and unreasonably and seems to think that it's your job alone to mind the kids.I'd remind him gently, or not so gently, that partnership or marriage or whatever is a joint enterprise between two equals. It's all about sharing the good and the not so good. He should learn to take turns.Put him on short rations until he gets the message. 

    I take with with a little offence that someone would doubt that my account is 'truthful and complete'.
    With my best efforts cant see what part I could have miscontruded or misrepresented for my own benefit. image

    Anyhow thank you very much for yours and everyone else contribution. Dont feel any better but it's nice to see that there are people who would share my frustration.

  • Just to say that last year my husband decided to take up running, which put my nose out of joint a little bit because it meant compromising on the races I do as we have a 9 year old. But that's what you do when you have kids and it is not right that one parent gives up all the races.  There is no way we would leave him on his own by the finish, even for a 5k.

    We ended up asking my mum to babysit a few times so we could do the same races but that's not fair on her.  I did take a hard line once - I'd registered for the 2011 Great South Run the day after the 2010 one, and then my other half registered for it too.  I said he had to find a babysitter or he wasn't doing it, as I'd registered first.  He was going to ask his sister and then she broke her hip!  So my poor mum got roped in again for the last time.

    So we take it in turns.  For example, last year I did Bramley and the Fleet Half,  so my husband is running those this year and I am doing the Wokingham half instead.

    Write out a plan - each of you gets to choose a race every other month.  Then the other chooses.  There may not be a clash, but if there is, you each get your first choice every other time. Sorted. If he refuses, you go out every morning he has a race until he gets the message.

    I hate men who think their hobbies are more important than their wives' (or vice versa, but I see it more often your way round).

  • "I take with with a little offence that someone would doubt that my account is 'truthful and complete'.
    With my best efforts cant see what part I could have miscontruded or misrepresented for my own benefit."

    Just pointing out that there are two sides to every story. Take as much offence as you wish! 

  • Ignoring the husband thing - if the kids are 12 and 10 why can't the 12 year old look after the 10 year old ? It shouldn't be that hard ? Or leave them with friends or neighbours or relatives ? Or leave them with club members kids ?
    And does your husband race every weekend ?
    Im sure there are ways around it.
  • ............ or get the husband to make some effort...
  • But the OP seems to be saying that the only solution is for her husband not to race ? Which sounds as stubborn as him saying he's racing ?
  • My OH is a non-runner, but he has other interests that always appear to take priority over anything I have booked in to do. I have to remind him that this is something I need to do to keep me sane - literally.
    Your OH sounds very competitive and insecure - him finding a "better" club, wanting to buy the best trainers. Why not try to use his competitive nature by asking him how he would manage it. Having done some research, children should be 16 before looking after a sibling...
  • Muttley wrote (see)

    Just pointing out that there are two sides to every story. Take as much offence as you wish! 

    Silence is sometimes the best answer

    By Dalai Lama XIV

    (therefore I remain in silence) image

    cougie wrote (see)
    Ignoring the husband thing - if the kids are 12 and 10 why can't the 12 year old look after the 10 year old ? It shouldn't be that hard ? Or leave them with friends or neighbours or relatives ? Or leave them with club members kids ? And does your husband race every weekend ? Im sure there are ways around it.


    Well if there was a way around that I could think of I would not have started a thread??
    No, unfortunately we cant ask friends or neighbours (as already stated) seems that I have to give lots of personal information here, one side of our family lives 1hr + away, another is elderly, son is not the easiest child to deal with etc etc. The Point is that the kids are our responsability not family, friends or 'neighbours' which we dont really know! You obviously have to believe what is said is in good faith otherwise what would be the point?

    He has planned 2 races in Jan (one already done), 4 in Feb, 3 in March and 4 in April.

    I had planned none in Jan (recovering from injury), 1 in Feb, 2 in Mar, 2 in Apr.

    cougie wrote (see)
    But the OP seems to be saying that the only solution is for her husband not to race ? Which sounds as stubborn as him saying he's racing ?


    Can you please show me in bold and underlined WHERE I stated or implied that the only solution is for my husband not to race??? I stated in my OP that I suggested that we take it in turns  image but he thinks that is not necessary and that the kids are safe to wait at the finish line.

  • I think he is entering in so many races just to be awkward. Looks like he is racing most weekends, which is totally not necessary.

    I agree with you that the kids are too young to be left alone - I wouldn't leave a 12 year old in charge of the other one - it is just not right to give a kid that kind of responsibility.

    Not sure how you are going to do it, but you really need to make him see how unreasonable he is being. Otherwise you are really going to resent him and things will get worse.

  • Seems to me that if you can't have a mature and sensible conversation together and come to some sort of compromise that you've got bigger problems than just not being able to do the races you want.
    No dirty tricks will do the job, but you've got to be able to come to a solution!

    IMHO taking it in turn is a great solution. Your kids aren't far off being able to be left (depending on the kids, and the area), and it may be fine for some shorter races.
  • SC you're the one ruling out family friends other people and saying they're not to be left alone.

  • I understand the issue of having no family/friends on hand for babysitting duties but they're generally opposed to this first thing on a weekend morning anyway and it could be a bit unfair to ask frequently.  So my solution would be to find a reliable babysitter to sit on said sprogs for a morning, allowing you both to race and then have post race coffee & analysis together as a couple.  Factor this in to your annual racing budget if you have one and spread the cost over the year. 

    I'm not getting drawn in to the whole fairness issue because there's only one side presented but if your account is a fair one (not implying its not, just don't have both sides) I'd tell you to 'man' the fuck up, tell him to stop being a precious twat, fix his priorities and lay down the law for 50% of the year.  For your kid's sake if nothing else.

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