Relationships and a disapproving OH?

Things are not looking rosy and I have no one to speak to.

I've been with my OH for a little under a year. He was quite enthusiastic about the fact I was "sporty" but now things are going downhill and I don't know how to deal with his disapproving attitude. Snide remarks etc about training and making races.

How do you cope if your partner isn't keen on the amount of time you take out for sports and events? Where do you draw the line with compromise?

Is training 5 days a week and running the occasional event every couple of months really too much?

Reassurance that I'm not a nutcase is needed. image

Comments

  • You're not a nut case!


    My partner and I have completely different hobbies: I'm in a band and run, she is an artist and likes to visit 500000 art galleries in every single available minute of her time. Best to accept the person for who they are, and if they are happy doing what they do, then surely you want them to carry on doing that because you want them to be happy.


    My partner rolls her eyes and feels like she is taking a child to it's weekly activities when she comes to see me race/ watch another gig. But she comes and sees me race and encourages me to run.


    And I, when we on holiday, will sit in a cafe after the 4th or 5th gallery of the day. and roll my eyes if she suggests another gallery, but I'll accompany her and try and be interested.


    Compromise means accepting the person for who they are, not trying to change them. And that goes both ways.





    What snide comments does he make? Have you both sat down and spoke about it?
  • You are asking complete strangers how you should deal with a relationship issue because you feel you cant speak to the person your having the relationship with.?

    You are a nutcase

    Little under a year and communication is already a problem what are you going to do 3, 5,  7 ,10 years down the line?

    Dump each other for both your sakes.

    As you for you Kaffeeg. You and yours stop rolling your eyes and realise your both artists with different arts. Both driven by a pursuit of your passions.

    Consider yourselves blessed

    Go in peaceimage

     

     

  • You come across as quite a young person...get rid now and save yourself a few wasted years, sounds a bit possessive and insecure. How can any bloke not want a fit healthy girlfriend? He should be loving it.
  • Stephen e forde: thank you, yes I know! Was trying to say: live and let live!



    Maybe the OP and their boyfriend just need to work on accepting each other and talking.

    Or maybe not and dump him and move on.



    Who knows.
  • Agree with kafeeg and stephen. You're a nutcase. Nutcase!!!
  • Hang on, I said 'not' a nut case. Don't be trying to get me involved in your people bating.
  • oh yeah. i just saw nutcase
  • He might not realise he's doing it in which case you probably need to tell him - or maybe he just feels a bit left out and this is his hamfisted way of signalling it.  

    Not everyone is a great communicator so I don't think it's necessarily a reason to dump him (and it might be both of you not just him) - but if he's possessive then definitely get rid because that will always cause problems.

     

  • first loser, did you do that level of training before you met the boyfriend, or has it ramped up since meeting him?

    If it's the former, he can't really complain, as he'd have known it from the start. If it's the latter, i can undertstand his attitude a little, as it'd feel like it's coming before him.

    how much training do you do on thoe 5 days out of interest? i want to get a handle on whether it's a relatively light say 25miles a week, 40mins a day job, or full on doubles, high mileage etc

  • I love the peace 'n' quiet I get when my Missis is away on a training run, and the odd weekend she disapears with her running club to run Man Versus Horse, or the Snodonia Marathon is bliss; me and the Little Un' get kebabs to eat and stay up late and watch DVDs.

    Class.

    I can't understand any bloke who gets upset with their Missis running, though it seems to be a common theme at Wor Lass's running club with some of the non-running husbands.

    Maybe it's because of all the affairs that go on up there?

  • Hey, it's better than ruddy shopping isn't it? image

  • To the OP- does he want to join in? Does he have another hobby that he wants to pursue? Surely he has to accept that you have your own life too. Don't restrict yourself on his behalf, (unless you want to), that way lies resentment, which will wreck any relationship.

  • I'd agree with kaffeeg and Stephen. You need to accept each other and if he cant do that - then he's deadweight. You can't stop being who you are because someone doesnt like it.

    My hubby doesnt really understand my running. He will sometimes run the occasional 10k race and sometimes come out for a run but he'd much rather be playing games or playing volleyball. He can't understand wanting to run for that long when a car is perfectly able to do it in a shorter time.... but he has never once stopped me going out for a run.

    I'd talk to him about it. Tell him how you're feeling. If you can't communicate - you've already lost the war rather than the battle.

  • Talk to him, far more useful than talking to us. 

    But some people are threatened, people like "sporty", they don't like driven and self-reliant. For me running became my emotional release and my ex-OH stopped feeling like I needed him for that.

    And unfortunately Mr Puffy is wrong, not everyone likes a fit, healthy girlfriend.

  • Could be difficult to talk to the guy. There's the element of confrontation for a start. There should be a 'go between' service for this sort of thing.

  • FL, you sound like a very nice lady and it seems to me that you need a chap who's indulgent of your training. Shouldn't be an issue as long as you're not faster than he is, or not much faster I suppose.

    So we need to know what your current pb's are.

    <heads off to get showered and shaved, dig out a half-decent jacket and generally smarten myself up>

  • Stephen E Forde - It is discussed regularly. Sometimes however, it takes it's toll trying to speak to someone who doesn't share the same interest and a little bit of outside opinion can work wonders on perspective.

    Stevie G - Hitting 40 miles a week running. 25 miles biking and gym sessions inbetween, plus a 35 hour work/Uni week. And yes, I've always spent roughly the same amount of time on training.

    Apologies for causing a fuss, I guess I just wandered if it were typical behaviour.

    I made the suggestion of him coming a long to a race event with his mates to see what the fuss is all about, thought it might help.image

    It didn't.

    The end is nigh, it would seem. image 

     

     

  • Oh FL...from what you've said you sound too bloody good for him! And you haven't caused a fuss! Really hope you're ok chick.

  • you are asking a runners forum who already accept/understand that your mileage is the norm for an eager athlete.  But many non runners would view 40hrs running a week as a ridiculous amount.  People i work with think my 40m or so a week as too much and how do i find time to do anything else.    Maybe you need to have a chat to get him to understand that you are not out "jogging" and need to train this amount.

    also if you are doing all the gym, running and work what quality time have you left aside for each other?  He might feel he gets all the leftovers and is way down on your priorities.   

  • When do you do your training? Does it affect the amount of time that you spend with him?

  • JVR? How could that level of training not reduce the available time!?  Even if she made use of lunches, a fair chunk would surely have to be fitted in after work and weekends...

    Dean, I think even elites would see 40 hours a week running too much image

    First loser, sounds like you have a fairly intense training plan there....not just the running, but cycling, and then the gym on top! I can see why a completely non sporty keen boyfriend would feel slighted!

    I've seen the situation in reverse you see... i was trying to do an equal amount of exercise as you (all in running, not the cycling/gym), same full time job, AND trying to shoe horn in 70mile round trips to see an ex 2-3times a week.

    Probably in hindsight it's not a surprise that didn't last.

    Tricky for you though, what's more important, the lifestyle or the bloke?

  • First Loser wrote (see)

    Stevie G - Hitting 40 miles a week running. 25 miles biking and gym sessions inbetween, plus a 35 hour work/Uni week. And yes, I've always spent roughly the same amount of time on training.

    Well First Loser I run 38-40 miles a week cycle to and from work most days and that equals about 42-50 miles a week and I have a full time job where I work shifts anytime between 9am and 9:30pm, weekends included. I manage to do that and still have hours to just lounge around like now, see friends, amuse them as I get drunk on one pint and do all the other "social" stuff. I am sure you do too.

    If I had a "significant other" I cannot see my training getting in the way unless they wanted to see me most evenings or all the time during weekends. Even then it would be work not my running that would stop that happening.

    Is this what he wants?

     

     

     

  • Easy.Does.It wrote (see)

    I love the peace 'n' quiet I get when my Missis is away on a training run, and the odd weekend she disapears with her running club to run Man Versus Horse, or the Snodonia Marathon is bliss; me and the Little Un' get kebabs to eat and stay up late and watch DVDs.

    Class.

    Love this story!

    Mum brings home medals, Dad brings home kebabs.

    A thoroughly modern familyimage

  • Maybe you've hit THE point in your relationship... you know... the one where the honeymooney period ends and the pink sunglasses come off and you see each other the way you actually are. Usually at this point people break up if they feel they are not what they wanted. Is this THE point?

     

    My OH was moaning about my running a little while, he kept saying we don't have enough time for each other as I'm always running. But he was always there when I was racing. 5 years on and we live separate lives. We have our own hobbies but work hard to find time for each other. Things have been hard for the past couple of years but recently they have taken turn for the better.

    And he has started running too.


    So it can work out, you just need to work out if its for you.

  • The first post brought out  a lot of sympathy for the OP, myself included but I must admit the level of training being done doesn't leave a lot of quality time for a relationship.

    What I see fromthis discussion is that the OP feels the need to discuss it on here rather than with her OH and doesn't seem to offer any solutions bar inviting him to watch her next event. Not a marriage made in heaven.

     

  • I have been single all my life and just love it     trouble free

  • Stephen E Forde wrote (see)
     

    If I had a "significant other" I cannot see my training getting in the way unless they wanted to see me most evenings or all the time during weekends. Even then it would be work not my running that would stop that happening.

    The thing is, that what is enough at first, ie seeing you a couple of times a week, certainly won't be enough if it gets serious...

    A married pal said to me once, you have to have the mindset, that you're not trying to fit them into your life, it's that they BECOME your life.

    I'm not convinced i could ever see another person becoming my whole life...that sounds kind of worrying!

  • Stevia g - that does sound worrying! Is that friend still married or is there a restraining order in place?!
  • Stevie G . wrote (see)
     

    A married pal said to me once, you have to have the mindset, that you're not trying to fit them into your life, it's that they BECOME your life.


    I think that's a mistake, and harmful to a marriage

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