Outlaw 2012 race reports



  • Congrats to all who took part this weekend, espc. all finishers!!  Was great fun to go help out on the Pirate's feed station.  You all got me inspired to help out and even compete at some point! image

  • I offered my bike for free to the nice lady who collected it as it and I weren't really getting along very well (I feel it should magically be faster, and it apparently thinks I should do something called 'training', *sigh*), but she said she'd had loads of offers already, so I've had to keep it.  image

  • Firstly, I'd like to say a few 'thank you's'.  I first joined in on one of the Surrey Pirate rides and met this tall bloke who didn't stop yakking!  All day, right behind me, in front of me, alongside me and even when waiting for me at the top of each and every hill!  This Pirate went above and beyond the call and made me think I could complete an Iron Distance Tri.  So I duly signed up for the Vitruvian as my first ever Tri.  I already knew I could swim and I'd completed five Marathons with varying success and 'training'!  But as a cyclist I was woeful!  

    Stand up Dustboy!  The bloke who made me believe this journey was possible and eminently doable.   I'd also like to thank Madge for believing in me and giving me every opportunity and encouragement to chase this particular dream!  Driving half way across the country each time to shout support at Tri's and Marathons! She's my hero, seriously! So, having made an error in time calculations at the Vitruvian I decided 4.30 was a better time to get up than 5am, for the 6am start!  Kit all laid out, everything prepared and I was ready to lay awake in bed for the next few hours!  I'm pretty sure I did get some sleep, but the fireworks didn't help much!! Sunday morning arrives and so does squirty bottom time!  Wetsuit on, wetsuit off!  Immodium is the answer!  Stepping out of the camper van there's hardly any wind and clear blue skies!  Result!  Especially after the last few days.  Down by the lake things are looking busy.  I loaded up my Garmin onto the bike, last few bits into my transition bags and wander along to the pens.  I'd been thinking pen two for a 1.30 swim and inadvertently entered pen 1 by mistake!! Saw Golden Boots who asked 'WTF are you doing here?'  'Umm this isn't pen two?'  Ah well, maybe I'll get a tow off someone if I stay towards the back!  The water's not bad, 18 degrees and as I get waist deep so my bladder lets loose!  That will be why the water was nice and warm!!  Now, I know everyone else is doing exactly the same so I'm anxious not to swallow any lake water in the first few hundred metres!   The count down begins and at the end it seems someone turns on the washing machine!!  It had been 'busy' at the Vitruvian, but this was worse, hands clawing at my feet and feet just missing my face.  Everywhere there were air bubbles and it was difficult to see.  A relatively reasonable start, but by 500 metres I need to burp.  I breathe more easily to my left so had made my way over to the side and this proved to be a winner as I didn't have to sight forwards, but boy were there some erratic swimmers there!  At 750 metres I let the burp out, which also appeared to bring out the last mouthful of the porridge I had for my breakfast!  Sorry if you were behind and then swimming in a cloud of milky oats!!  Briefly standing to wipe the gunge out of my mouth I saw several geese eyeing up my breakfast too!  I settled back to swimming and started to drift across towards the middle.  I must have been away from the side as I saw someone on my left, at 45 degrees and aiming straight for me.  If he didn't change course, and quickly, we would collide.  Surely he'd see me?  No, he tried to swim straight over me!  What an idiot!  But what a gent also!!  Wondering why he was swimming at such an acute angle I took the opportunity to sight forwards and noticed I was almost at the buoy!  continued ...

  • .... Had he not tried swimming over me I'd have carried on to the end tumble turned and started to go back!  Lots more 'jostling' on the way back, but the count down markers were welcome and with 750 to go I still had plenty left in the tank so decided to push hard.  Dodging in and out of the pontoons wasn't on the plan, but then neither was a 1.10 out of the water!  What a result!  Saw Robbie in T1 having just finished towelling himself dry WTF, how fast is he in the water?!! Quick change (for me!) and out of T1 in 8.01 giving the compare a hearty Aaagggghhhh as I exited.  Running to the bike, yes you read that right I actually ran to my bike, I heard a nice call out from Madge!  Helmet on, quick wave and I was off!    
  • Bike   Being so crap on the bike I wasn't especially looking forward to this part.  However, the two recce I'd done had forewarned me what to expect!  Yes, even the wind!  Going down the lake I passed quite a few who didn't seem to be trying.  Also looking across I wondered how Dusty was doing and if he was nearly out.  I was looking forward to hurling abuse after him as he passed me on the bike!  Out on the drag up to the northern loop gradually the Pirate massive started to pass with plenty of 'Go Pirate' and Aagghh's.  Some passed without so much of an acknowledgement!  Ah well, I'm not to everyones taste!  Suffers zipped past later followed by Iron Pingu, who slowed for a chat, as did some others that I know.  Henny passed me just before the 'Bank' and things were feeling good.  However, I was getting gear problems.  Under pressure the chain was slipping.  Getting to the top of the Bank I saw Henny a little distance in front of me so thought I'd try to catch her and have a chat!  Five miles down hill and with a weight advantage considerably in my favour she was there for the taking!  I'd been 'chcicked enough already!!  I was going to let her go after a chat, but then she explained I may not want to be behind her in the next five minutes as her bike, and in particular her saddle, was about to get wet!!   Although I enjoy swimming, I'm not into 'Water sports'!! Anyway, through Southwell and I was starting to wonder where Dusty was!  I'd expected to have seen him by now.  The blue skies had long gone and the expected wind had started to pick up.  The long straight heading towards the southern loop wasn't as great as I'd hoped it was.  Off twice to tweak the gears, without much success.  Looking forward to the Southern loop and the Pirate greeting.  Lovely support through the villages where people had set up picnics and deck chairs; almost a carnival atmosphere with lots of kids to Aaaggghhh!  A few miles short of the Pirate station some ponce with a bling bike and woodpecker helmet came past.  Down on his aero bars making it look easy!  Swiftly followed by a TV camera crewed motorcycle who pulled in front of him to film!  Here he was drafting a bloody motorbike FFS!  However, here's also my 15 minutes of fame coming!  Pedal hard and and keep close and off to the side.  Pull some funny faces when I realise, actually he's not going that quick. So I pull alongside riding up on the hoods and smile at the cameraman giving him an Aagghh!!  This is how it should be done, or not!!  And then on to the legendary feed station!  Huge roar and greeting!!  Riding towards the station was something to really look forward too!  Nutrition was going good, I'd had a nice chat with Wild Will and had passed and chatted with Frodo and finally the wind was on my back!  Good to see my eldest helping out and grinning at the feed station.  More about that later!!
  • Then the weather started to get cold!  Got passed by Golden balls on his second lap shortly before the end of his lap and the start of my second.  Now he was absolutely flying, looking really strong!  He was one of the Pirates who hadn't passed me on the bike before, so I knew he'd had a good swim.  On to the second Pirate welcoming and all I wanted was drugs.  My back was killing me, but no such luck!  The one thing I hadn't given Madge in case of an emergency!  FFS I'd even given her my epi pen when there was never any fear of being stung!  What a wally!  So on to the finish it would be.  Turning onto the A64 I wasn't in a good place.  Wind in your face while cycling is just soul destroying.  Passing one guy I tried to encourage him with a few words about not letting the wind beat him and tried to swallow my own advice!  My nutrition up to this point had been great, but I was fading fast.  My stomach was starting to cramp and my bladder was full.  And then the rain came to really make my day!  Cold wet and miserable.  Wondering where Dusty was and if he'd made the swim cut off.  I had to stop to get my malt loaf out of my pocket.  Here's a tip, don't try eating malt loaf in the rain.  It gets really slimy and sticky!!  My mood lifted with food and it stopped raining, only to be dashed again as more rain came and this time hard!  Still, I knew this route now from my own and JCDigger's recce and knew I was on the home stretch, only my bladder was fit to burst.  Stopping in a field entrance I lifted a leg and thought I'd never stop!!  Oh the relief cascading through me was fantastic, although I could also see the river running down into the road where everyone was cycling through!  Ooops!  Why hadn't I learnt to ever pee on the bike?  Ah, because I'd then be the one to have to wash a a bike smelling of piss, my shorts would smell and being a pensioner the next thing to go would be my mind!  People would avoid me as I sat on the bus / train!  Past HPP House, 'Is that it?'!!  Up the ramp towards the lake I had another big shout out from Madge!  Pleased with that and then nearly came off going over the speed humps to T2!  Expected time 7.30, actual time was 7.17!  Yay!  Up on both swim and ride  But from here on in it would be hard! T2 seemed a lot slower than T1 so thinking of saving 30 seconds I didn't change my wet socks!  How I'd come to rue that decision later!  Pirate shorts on and another pair over the top for modesty.  Probably why I didn't get a mention in the lunchbox stakes!!   8.30  
  • Walk

    Training's not my strong point and with a pair of dodgy knees I'd only completed one run of about five miles in 'training'!  So the plan to complete the swim and bike with enough time to walk the run was still on! With the wind being what it is I hoped to walk the out loops and jog the down wind sections but I wasn't even good for that to be honest!  Getting to the first feed station I tried one of the High 5 gels and had a sip of coke.  Both had an almost immediate effect.  My stomach started to gripe and squirm.  It was a while before I decided it was safe to purse my cheeks together and let out a mezzo soprano fart.  Phew, no lumps or slurry there!  at least every hundred yards was the same, but my confidence started to grow as I , correctly, deduced that as I'd hardly eaten anything solid, then nothing solid would be coming out!  Soon I was double bass-ing it, with huge sighs.  Although this too had problems.  The sweat from my back was now trickling down my crack and mingling with the gasses and, lets talk frankly, rubbing!  I had a very sore arse!  Now I knew all about the importance of Chamois butter on the bike, I just hadn't appreciated it should be used for the run as well!  Gradually the field thinned out and I lost most of my  walking buddies.  I can't think why! Very quickly my wet socks started to rub and give me blisters.  Great seeing so many Pirates out, smiles from most even though some were clearly in a lot of pain.  Several contenders for 'Grumpy Pirate and I thought Holly's vote was a tad harsh!  Saw GB again and he looked to be sprinting, but a miserable grunt and the blank expression on his face told a different story.  I later heard he'd been pulled shortly afterwards.  Still no sign of Dusty and I was getting worried, so I texted Madge to make sure she'd seen him on the bike.  She had and he'd been struggling with his back.   Lots of smiling Pirate ladies Ditchy, Iron Pingu, Saffers et all!  Nice chat with Swiss Bobby and then I saw Dusty with Podds!  So pleased to see them and not too far behind me!  He wasn't looking great, but he had time to complete it like me, so I was pleased with that.  Checking out the Pirates wrists on the loops I was getting band envy!  Heading out on lap three, or was it two I heard these elephant feet closing in on me so I moved to one side as, probably one of the lightest blokes on the course passed me.  Lo and behold it was Cat, followed by FFoot!  No 'soft shoe shuffle' there!   Out on the course on my last loop I saw Podds alone, no Dusty, where was he?  She explained, as we passed, he was suffering a huge amount and had actually stopped yakking.  Oh Christ, if I'd have known he was that bad I'd have waited for him and dragged his sorry arse around the last loop.  I'd been joined by Madge on her bike at this stage and that lifted me again, but my feet were so sore I was moving slower and slower and then back to the lake.  Madge disappeared to the finish shoot and I was left alone walking down the lake in the gathering gloom and hearing the final runners being called in and the huge roar from the waiting Pirates.  Stopping at the final feed station for a pee (again) as I didn't want to lose control of my bladder at the finish, was when I realised, finally, I was going to complete the course.  Big fat crocodile tears coming down my face which, thank fully, I managed to erase before I saw my eldest waiting for me at the start of the run in.  How cool would that not have been?  And so into the finish where there was such a roar I forgot all about my wasted feet and started to run in!  ....

  • The compare presented me with a zimmer frame, how apt!  I wanted to get down on my knees and thank the Pirate throng in a 'I'm not worthy salute' but once down there I really didn't think I'd get up again! And that was it a fantastic day, full of high and low emotions.  


    One of the high lights of the weekend, for me, was my son saying he'd like to do a long distance Tri in a couple of years!  This is from an 18 year old who doesn't run for the bus and has never entered a race of any kind before!  That was totally down to his experience at the feed station and the Pirate camaraderie he witnessed throughout the weekend!  For that I have you lovely lot to thank.  Like me, he'd only ever do it in Pirate colours. I spoke to lots of non Pirates on the course who all commented on how good the Pirates were, friendly and welcoming everyone from participants to supporters.  Pirates really are the best and I'm sooo proud to have finally eared my 'Colours'.  Will I be back for another shot at the long distance?  truthfully, probably not, but you never say never, eh?  I will be back supporting and trying to repay the support I got on Sunday.  Would I recommend going long?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  And Dustboy, if you ever need a Sherpa I'll be there and shouting like a Sergeant Major if you ever start to waver!  I owe you such a lot!

  • War and Peace there, sorry about that!  image  Being a pensioner I've got time on my hands!!  image

  • Great read Prince, very well done.

  • Arrived at lunchtime on Saturday, set up tent, faffed and went to register, talked to pirates, put my bags in and racked bike. Missed race briefing and went to the pub for the traditional massive double burger for tea, a few pints and bed.

    Morning – Up, dressed and ready to go.

    Swim – Decided to go in with the fast boys in bay 1. No biff at all, a bit disappointing. Settled into a steady pace drafting what I could find. Got bored and wondered how far I had gone. I spotted a few things on the bank that if I had done a recce I could have used to tell if I was getting somewhere. Then I swam into a big white dead fish which was nice. Turned around two orange buoys and started the uphill leg. Swam and swam and eventually reached the finish. Out of the water 01:13:40 which is a PB by a couple of minutes, I had hoped for closer to 01:10:00 but a PB is a PB.

    T1 – Wetsuit off and into the tent, grabbed bag and a seat, dried feet twice and settled in for a taping session, sticky backed felt first then three lots of pre-cut tape to hold everything in place. Then the other foot had to be done. Out of T1 in a perambulatory 10:19

    Bike – I have a few long rides in that suggest I may be able to be close to last years time of 6:02:00. Pedalled along, passed a few Pirates early on and then Carl on Oxton bank, traded places a couple of times and eventually got ahead. Loop 1 was fun. 2nd Loop was OK to begin with and was looking forward to the Pirate feed station, didn’t stop. 2nd half of loop was windy and lonely, never saw a draft buster in that section. Tired and hoping the loop would finish it went on forever. Then onto 2nd loop pace had dropped from 19.5 down to 18.7, clearly showing the lack of depth to the cycle training. Finished the loop and headed for home, this seemed to go on and on and then though we were back, going down a drive with speed bumps I though this is it, sub-6 for sure. Then it went on and on and back onto a road. Realised sub 6 was no chance as it was 5:56, then suddenly realised we were at the campsite, turned into HPP and over the bike line in 5:58:04. Very happy a with sub-6 bike.

    Sure it was a windy day but really enjoyed the bike, think some of the drafting was due to the wind; the gain for drafting is much greater in those conditions and certainly more than 2-mninutes but less than a DQ. There were a couple of spots where it was unavoidable due to volume and/or traffic. They know the risks/gains so doesn’t overly bother me.

    T2 – Into T2 with a cheer from FB and Petal and sat down to check the feet, tape in good condition, straightened a couple of bits and shoes on. Guy next to me shared his jelly babies with me but it wasn’t like a proper first date as he ran off. 08:53

    Walk – Ran the first 6 miles on a solid 9:1 run/walk then realised I was demolished, did the next 3 miles at 10:40 pace. Lack of depth to training really started to show. One brick after a long bike and nothing run longer than 10 miles since Brighton Mara. Settled into a long walk, walked nearly all of lap 2 but eventually hooked up with Doner Kebab, Raf for a bit, and Jaffa. Did overtake Golden Boots like he was standing still, except he wasn’t standing. The run was mental with Pirates everywhere, was part of a chain of four pirates at one point and two passed going the other way. From 9 miles on there were lots of 11/12 and 13 minute miles and two 14 minute miles. 20 minutes slower than IMR and I knew it.  Home in 05:11:56
    Overall 20 minutes slower than IMR for a 12:42:56 finis

    Finish –Massage, food, lots of pirates, pick up kit, shower and off to the finish line party. No cider (boo) but drank lager, ate cheeseburgers and had a great time.

  • Inspring stuff everyone, just fantastic.

    Drafting: Chrissie Wellington recommends a quick squirt of piss.  image

  • Had a thoroughly enjoyable day and loved every minute of it. Some bits were tough but loved them as well. So great to see so many true pirates completing an Ironman.

  • Am I the only one who remembers the young, rather attractive, fully made up, buxom masseuse?  My hopes of being handled by her were somewhat dampened by the smell that must have been eminating from my nether regions!  Totally lost when she tried the eccentric (?) calf stretches with my knees resting between her tits.  Was it wrong of me to keep failing so she had to re-adjust the 'stretch'?  
    somewhat 'caught out' when a helper entered the marquee to enquire if 866 was stil in here as it was time to come in!  Then as I raised myself up the camera crew came in trying for a photo.  all I could manage, as I got dressed, was a 'Sorry mate, I think I've finished!'  imageimage 

  • Ultra AJH wrote (see)

    Sid's a mate off twitter. He will be pleased that everybody knows him now image was so impressed that he finished.

    AJH - I have a video of his finish... could you please twitmail him and ask him to get in touch should he want it. It was only the cheap camera though but still good with all of us cheering his name image

  • fat buddhafat buddha ✭✭✭
    Prince Siegfried wrote (see)

    Am I the only one who remembers the young, rather attractive, fully made up, buxom masseuse?  

    we saw the queue that she had building up for her "services" image

  • Ive been off work with a few stomach issues this week so might as wel add my report while im sitting around....

    First Iron distance event for me. Camped on Saturday night with parents and gf (them in their flashy camper, us in a tent!) Registered Saturday and felt nervous the whole day, very well organised but just could not relax.

    Woke at 3am, muesli/bagel/energy bar/ high 5 drink

    Sipped a high 5 drink until the start.

    Swim: Was aiming fr about an hour but was never going to push it to get there. Ended up with 58min so was more than pleased with that. Enjoyed the helpers lying me on the ground and ripping my wetsuit off me

    Bike: My weakest section and knew it would be a case of watching half the field go past me. Windy at times but some fast sections too. Hard a few dark moments at about 40 and 90miles and thought it would never end. Feed statins were awesome and kept taking on the fuel. Ending up clocking 6hr35, again pleased with that but cycling definitely my area to improve (broke a spoke about 20miles from the end and got a helper to just cut it off with plyers. was glad i had no further issues)

    Run: Just kept going the whole way. Walked a feed station every 30min, struggled with the wind around the lake. Was very happy to finish with a run time of 3hr 57.

    Total time: 11hr 39min - very pleased. Now what to do next?????

  • I saw her giving Horse the treatment,...image... so out of the goodness of my heart  I stayed with him to make sure he was ok,..image he kept on moaning about how sore his quads were, I wonder why???image



    Prince Siegfried wrote (see)

    Great seeing so many Pirates out, smiles from most even though some were clearly in a lot of pain.  Several contenders for 'Grumpy Pirate and I thought Holly's vote was a tad harsh! 

    Thank you, Siggy.



  • "mezzo soprano fart"

    Phrase of the day. image 


  • fat buddha wrote (see)

    GB - don't sweat about it - you were in the zone like many others....

    we had all sorts to contend with coming in to T2 - those in the zone; those glad to hand over the bike ("I never want to see it again"); the precious ("please rack it nicely"); those that could hardly stand up; and many others who gave us a thank you which wasn't needed but was nice all the same.

    and for those who peed on the bike........image

    if you had let me i would have chucked mine in the lake    image

  • Great race reports keep em coming its weird but as usual i cant remember much about the day it usually takes about week to filter through (probably something to do with old age before Meldy kindly points this out image )
  • brilliant reports..keep them coming..............loving the descriptions.......image


  • Hey Max have you seen Meldys report yet ? Qed teehee
  • deleted post... stupid copy & paste from word image

  • How do you copy and post so that it is actually readable???

  • Golden Boots wrote (see)
    Ultra AJH wrote (see)

    Sid's a mate off twitter. He will be pleased that everybody knows him now image was so impressed that he finished.

    AJH - I have a video of his finish... could you please twitmail him and ask him to get in touch should he want it. It was only the cheap camera though but still good with all of us cheering his name image

    Will do.

  • Cut and paste from word. Post. Then open it using edit to remove all the crap
  • fat buddhafat buddha ✭✭✭

    c&p it to Notepad - all the formatting shit is removed - then c&p back here

  • This will be a short one so get to waffle image image


    Pre race


    A lot of faffage on my part getting there and sorting stuff out. Got to hpp late for the 11 briefing and had some issue’s sorting out my kit not helped by the rain, Sarah put up with a lot as I dicked about. Did the big swim thing and meet fraggle, chilli, and silver trucker on route. Almost got sea sick with the swell’s but did it ok. I’d had to rush to get my bags and bike’s into transition and that caused big problems later.


    Woke up in the morning had a cup of tea after Supercaz donated some milk and into the wetsuit. Forgot to bring a water bottle and borrowed one of Frodo. Annoyingly I had about 5 in the tent in case anyone else needed one.


    Took is steady to start with and found it hard to get a rhythm going for the first 500m after that started to enjoy it. Got to the half way buoy and the wind started to cause some swell’s again which didn’t bode well. Got to the turn around point and saw a lady struggling and finally got boated out and soon discovered why with some head size swell’s on the way back. There was a lady with good swimming but very poor spotting who kept going into the side of me. Finally after about 30 seconds of this stopped in the water and let her past as she zigzagged all over the shop. Throw up a couple of times and struggled for the first k back image. Final 500m was just behind a lady who was in dire straights getting egged on by everyone on the bank. Had to ask the canoeist nicely to get out of the way who was checking on her. The lass in the water was done in and was walking and did say she just wanted to quit but best way out at that point was through the water finish anyway. She was swearing at pity much everyone and anything and was falling apart. She went straight to the C4 camera so will make interesting viewing if it makes the cut.

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