!! New Joke Thread !!

A man was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says

"Looking at you reminds me of the lottery."

She replies "You mean i'm worth millions?"

He says "No, I wish you'd rollover!"



  • A Man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor I am going deaf".

    The Doctor says "what are the symptoms"

    The man says "an american cartoon family from Springfield - why"

    (i'll get my coat)

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    I had an issue with my computer because it kept bursting into song. But it's sorted now.

    It's actually an Acer but it thinks it's a Dell.


  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    So this bloke walks into a cafe. He's got a large salmon under his arm. He goes up to the waitress and says, "'scuse me love but do you serve fish cakes?"

    "Yes, we do."

    "Oh good, because it's his birthday today."

  • What do the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?

    I see dead people...

  • Whats E.T short for?


    He's got little legs.

  • A panda walks into a restaurant and orders.  He eats, then gets out a gun and shoots the waiter as he starts to go..  The manager runs out and shouts 'hey, why did you shoot my waiter?'.  The panda replies 'hey, I'm a Panda....look up the definition!'  The manager walks back into his office, finds a definition and reads it... 'PANDA - black and white marsupial, lives in Asia, eats shoots and leaves.'

  • A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'Why the long face?'

  • What do you call a dog with no legs?

    Nothing, the little buggers not going to come to you anyway.

  • I heard that the local Police station has had its toilet stolen.

    The cops have nothing to go on.

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    The same thieves took the dogs from the kennels. The cops say they have no leads.

  • Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the dog. Now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

  • Why did the baker's hands smell?

    Because he kneaded a poo

  • I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning.
    That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open

  • Two goldfish in a tank...... One turns to the other, and says do you know how to make the gun turret spin round?
  • Two fat blokes sitting in the pub

    One says to the other "Your round"

    The other one says "So are you, you fat b@st@rd!"

  • A man hires a hitman call Arti to kill his wife and he only has to pay £1, Arti waits for the perfect time to kill this man's wife and when shes in a supermarket he jumps on her and strangles her to death, the supermarket manager tries intervene but the hitman strangles him as well.

    The headline in the paper the next reads

    "Arti Chokes 2 for a pound at Tesco"





  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    I was sat in my local Indian restaurant, when the waiter came up and said "curry okay sir?"

    "Oh alright, just one song but then I really must go," I replied.

  • Breaking news.

    A large hole has appeared on the clockwise carraigeway of the M25 closing the road to all traffic.

    Police are looking into it.


  • My local barber shop was broken into last night.

    Police are combing the area for clues.


    (More police jokes please)


  • Three race horses stood in their stalls.
    One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
    The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"

    Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"

    This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.

    The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."

    The horses looked at each other in amazement and One gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    The police found our local ice cream man dead the other day. He was lying on the floor of his van, covered in chocolate and raspberry sauce.

    Detectives think he topped himself.

    (Well don't blame me, there was a request in for more police jokes)

  • How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

    A buck an ear! image

  • A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became 
    confused as to where he was on the course. 

    Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. 

    He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what 
    hole he was playing. 

    'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you 
    must be on the 6th hole.' 

    He thanked her and went back to his golf. 

    On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with 
    the same request. 

    'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 
    13th hole.' 

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. 

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady 
    sitting at the end of the bar. 

    He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. 

    The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. 

    He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for 
    your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales 
    also. What do you sell?' 

    'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied. 

    'No, I won't.' 

    'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' 

    With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar 

    'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!' 

    'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for 
    Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'    
  • Have you ever tried beaver curry? It's like normal curry but a little otter..

  • Buzzard turned up at the airport ckeck in with a rabbit under each wing. He was shocked when told one was excess baggage and asked why. He was told only one carry on per passenger

  • I like writing my eights on their sides.
    It's infinitely better.

  • A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
    The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."

  • Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book.
    I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images.

  • My racing snail wasn't winning many races so i thought i'd take it's shell off to make it more streamlined. It didn't help though..........if anything it made it a little more sluggish

  • The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
    "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
    "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"


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