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Time heals and blah blah blah. Doesn't help me right now....
It's taking every day one step at a time. Surround yourself with 'your' people. Friends, family and loved ones. I hated it but it did me some good.
I was told to write a list of everything that I didnt like about him and write a letter to him about how hurt I was and then rip it up. e.g. I hate it when you didnt unpack the dishwasher. I hate that you always expect me to do x,y,z.
Ditto what Emmy said, don't be afraid to lean on people. Not everyone has to be someone that you spend hours talking it through with, but everyone will understand and give you what ever is appropriate. And on that, take time off work if you need to, or at least let some trusted colleagues know what's going on.
It sounds a bit American but I think it's important to "process" everything. If you want to be angry be angry, if you want to talk about some fear that you know is irrational, acknowledge it. And expect it to be very up and down. The denial - anger - depression - acceptance thing is largely true, but it's a bit back and forth.
I think the best advice I was given by a friend recently is to separate how you feel about your ex-partner from how you feel about the entirety of what is happening. Some of what you're feeling will be panic and fear at the extent of everything that may have to change (e.g. moving house, who do you go on holiday with etc). These are perfectly normal things to be upset about, but they're not really about your ex-partner personally. It's fine to say that they were actually a bit shit but you're really bummed out at the idea of spending Saturday night home alone.
I know it may sound daft on a running forum, but I really did find running to be a great help when it happened to me - it allowed me to go forget about everything for a few hours - in fact I had not been as fit I was then for a number of years -
Time does heal, although for a long time there was rarely a day that went by without me thinking of her - 14 years later and I have seen her on facebook and she is no longer the slim girl I remember!! Whilst I am not much heavier now than I was all those years ago!!!!
So take the advice of people on here, talk if you need to talk and above all run forest run!!!!
Sorry to hear that Elli - not sure I've any tips that'll help - maybe plan to do some stuff you enjoy doing - exercise is good but if you don't fancy running too hard a long walk in the countryside can be nice. Look after yourself anyway we are all your friends on here.
Spend some time spoiling yourself, you deserve to feel good after going through something so upsetting. You don't need to go crazy, just write a(nother!) list of things you really enjoy doing, and make a conscious effort to spend time doing them.Perhaps this is the time to seek out groups (running club?) where you can get to know more people. Although when a break-up is still very fresh, you can feel that you just want the rest of the world to bugger off and leave you alone. Which is ok too - for a little while.
Just tell yourself that it is his loss, not yours. And really, really believe it. Because it is true - you could pick up another him anytime, but he will never have anyone like you again.
I have used that mantra to get through a tough time and I really did find it helped build me back up again. Your self esteem takes a knock when you feel rejected like that, but it's all in how you choose to look at it.
As for the painful day-to-day stuff, try to keep busy and make one or two positive changes in your life that might offer a distraction until you are feeling stronger. Schedule a weekly swim/class/solo cinema trip, whatever takes you out of your comfort zone and gives you something to be proud about.
Hope this helps, and even if it doesn't. at least you can see that others have been there too. lots of love x
Everyone's reactions and ideas are different. My heart was broken within 3 months of me moving to another country. I had few 'real' friends around me and i felt so lonely.... i ended up travelling home a bit and really getting into skype and phoning friends back home.
I remember someone saying that the end of a relationship is like losing a limb. The worse the break up - the worse the amputation. You need to recover, learn to live without it and soon you'll be back on your feet wondering why it mattered so much in the first place.
It's ok to be hurt, it's ok to be angry and sad. If things went wrong - then they went wrong. There's no blame - just a learning experience.
As others have suggested - use this to push yourself with meeting new people, getting out there and trying something new. The world is your oyster!
you just have to get right back on the horse.
are you free later?
As others have said if possible try and make time to see your friends and family.
I split from my ex four years ago and I was completely shell shocked and devistated about it. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. My friends were great and rallied around me at the time, but I did find that things quickly returned to normal and I realised that I hadn't been seeing them as often as I thought I had when with my ex.
I found I took a long time to adjust to being single, probably longer than most do if I'm being honest. I do think running helped me a bit at the time, as I would focus on my goals for that rather than felling sorry for myself and having too much time alone to think with nothing else on my mind.
I may not be the best example right enough, as I've completely given up on dating/looking for a relationship now, or more to the point even trying to get a date there really wasn't any dating to stop doing. I spend the majority of my time alone outside of work these days. It took a long time, but I guess I'm sort if used to it now.
Sending my best wishes to you and hope you start to get over this soon.
2 months ago I was in a very similar boat. The break-up came out of the blue, 3 years together, although really I knew things hadn't been working for a while - it was still hard to accept that he didn't want to try anymore. I found myself without any family in the country and all my friends in London were borrowed from him, plus i had to move out.
I went back home to my parents for a week, took some time off work, let things sink in and figure out what I was going to do. In lieu of any really girlfriends to chat to I downloaded an e-book called, "its called a break-up because its broken" (Behrendt) - i know its sounds cheesy, and ive never successfully read a self-help book before, but I was desperate and plus I had a lot of time on my hands. I found it helped me through the various stages, plus it was quite funny too. I haven't finished reading it yet, but I'm still dipping in whenever my head gets a bit messy.
I also went to my GP who signed me off work - one less thing to worry about was perfect. I went back a few weeks later when I found i actually benefitted from the routine.
Its important to find somewhere to get your support from. And I would also recommend running, just getting out of the house with a purpose is important.
Thinking of you, (hugs)
Katiecom wrote (see)
skotty wrote (see)
Katiecom wrote (see) I also went to my GP who signed me off work - one less thing to worry about was perfect. I went back a few weeks later when I found i actually benefitted from the routine.
Why is that unbelievable? I've known a doctor prescribe valium and tranquilisers to a friend who went catatonic after her break up. She took it really badly and couldnt cope.
@Katiecom - i have the book - it's called a break up because it's broken. It helped me a lot. The rules for the first 60 days were really helpful.
- thanks Emmy
Um and actually Skotty, you don't know me or my situation or in fact what my job comprises of so kindly reserve your judgement.
- thanks Emmy Um and actually Skotty, you don't know me or my situation or in fact what my job comprises of so kindly reserve your judgement.
If you don't want it commented on, especially in a way you don't like, then don't post it in the first place.
Can't say I'd be too happy if a colleague was taking weeks off sick because of a broken romance. Annual leave yes, but not sick ...
Elli if it was real love, I am sorry but you will not get over it and you will have to learn to cope in private. You will hurt and cry a lot in private. No amount of talking will help. You will not forget but if you are a well balanced person your future will take shape and you should move forward. You may feel that you settle for second best but whatever you do do not treat a future permanent partner as second best!
Personally I think it is only casual or habitual relationships in or out of marriage that are sorted by time or making new friends or getting involved in other things. Real love is a different beast altogether from lust or obsession or friendship..
Elli of the North wrote (see)
Some people may have underlying issues which can be made worse by major life events such as break up of a long term Relationship...resulting to time off sick.
yes, she clearly has underlying issues.
Elli – The initial stages you just have to ride out. You’ll feel bad, there’s no way round that. Just do whatever little things make each day bearable. Once this passes (and it will) then you can start to think about moving on with other things. You mention not having much of a social life. I had the same issue when I broke up with a long term girlfriend a few years back. Her mates were my mates, so I was suddenly left with no social life. At was at this point I joined a running club, started Spanish classes etc etc. Try and give something a go you’ve had an interest in. If your North is the NE then there are loads of friendly running clubs around. It’s a good place to start as you already know you have one thing in common with people.
My ex-girlfriend had a few sessions of therapy after we split. Seemed to help her, so it might be worth considering.
If you really loved him then that will remain with you forever. But that doesn't mean that you will hurt forever. I don't think you always fall out of love with people, but sometimes you move in different directions so that circumstances make you incompatible however much you love each other.
If he was that special then you will remember him fondly forever and that is something to be cherished. But first you need to go through that period of pain and adjustment while you get used to him not being there and establish a new life of your own.
Try to think of it as an opportunity. You are now free to do whatever you want with your life without him to hold you back. Spend time with friends and try to keep busy. Plan a few weekends away visiting people and think about where you want to go in the medium or long term. Also put some time aside to cry and come to terms with things. I found that a dedicated hour each day in which to think helped me to keep the negative thoughts under control the rest of the time but also gave me time to deal with how I was feeling.
I have been here before but stayed because I didnt want to hurt him and I didnt want to hurt.
This time I know that I will hurt him more if I stay and I hurt more if I don't leave. The realisation is hearbreaking, because it makes it so black and white. So clear. So true. So non-negotiable.
I don't think I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of being weak and attempting to try again... because it will kill us both and eliminate any chance of either of us ever being happy.
I look at the sky and it's so big and blue. I feel like someone has died but that the life goes on.
Than you Everyone who has commented on this. Very very helpful and very nice tips, some that seem like things I'd look forward to try. Of course this is not the end of my life. But I'm pretty sure its the end of my relationships. I've had enough of them to see what they are like. I think the only thing I fear is that when I'm old, I live and die alone.
Oh Elli, It's really difficult to see anything positive when you're feeling like that. My advice would be to take it a bit at a time, and not look a the bigger picture, the 'future' etc and worry, because your fear of failure is of the unknown. That is futile, as you have no control over it. Focus on things you can control... Things, people, places now which make you happy.
Running / exercise will help - you need some feel-good endorphins at present until things normalise, plus a release of stress and tension. Some people feel guilty / weak at appearing so self-indulgent, but you need that.. the time to yourself to deal with it all. It's like a bereavement and not something you just shrug off. What you're feeling is normal even though it might not seem it. Take care of yourself, and know that your friends on this forum are here for you
Yes I wouldn't think about the future too much right now either - who knows what that will bring - it's natural to feel that's the end of relationships for you - and you might be right - but you might be wrong too - someone else might come along who makes you happy who knows.
Also without wanting to argue on this thread I can't agree with Martenkay above - that just sounds so depressing - you might not forget a true love (and why would you want to) it doesn't mean you are going to have to spend the rest of your life "coping in private" - but maybe if you get stuck in a rut over a past relationship you do have to make a conscious effort at some time to move on rather than waiting for it to happen.
Hi Elli... the tears and upset will be painful initially and it'll be all-consuming... take advantage of distractions around you and support from people... in time, those feelings will fade.. the memories won't though.... if it really is true love, rather than lust or an infatuation, then the loving memories will last forever...
Love is one of the best human emotions... but it can also be one of the most painful..
You'll be fine... right now it probably feels like shit.... but give it a while and you'll be back on your feet again with a smile on your face..