Runner's World novel.

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  • ...to which a voice boomed out loud "wear the orange shorts..."

  • ...............with the Wonderbra and the wellies"

  • Meanwhile the Rev Pat had been working all night, you could tell by the surgical loops perched sat at the end of his nose. He had already taken breakfast at Pax next to Central Park and completed a 20 mile recovery run at 5 min miling through the park because he was a real runner. Now he was sat on a bench eating jello staring at Trump Tower with bright eyes. Had he really heard a reference last night to "illuminous shit" this could go big time in night time USA if it hit the fan. The environmental possibilities were endless (Facebook eat your heart out). The Man in the tower would understand........

  • ..although mere mortals would just wander by in a confussed daze. So what? To usurp the fabric of society, rip apart it's benign moral codes and chew them up without hesitation before anyone could say "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" let alone spell it, would be a coup among all coups. (which isn't somewhere where you keep chickens btw)...

  • But he did keep chickens as he had a small holding of which he was very..................

  • jealous. The living standards of the animals far exceeded the squalor in which he resided. Despite his wealth he found that he felt compelled to keep every item that came into his possession. As such, his million pound mansion was stuffed to the gills with empty milk bottles (the milkman was not happy...), a tower of cardboard tubes from long gone toilet rolls and a veritable mountain of receipts from his weekly Tesco grocery shopping. His greatest fear was that one day he would be crushed to death by the weight of....................

  • the piles of newspapers, junk mail and cardboard which he told his manservant Clifford he was saving for recycling. This of course, was a lie. Clifford and the other staff knew only too well the recycling came fortnightly for paper and cardboard; that amount far exceeded 2 week's worth. Moreover, Clifford recognised the signs of a serial hoarder since his time in...........

  • his expectations - ever since he was a little girl the pressure had mounted and since the operation he felt that he was likely to blow apart. Being a transgender boy wizard was just not what he thought it would ...............................................

  • be,but then again it could be worse....

  • At least he never had a bad hair day, being bald and all that. His collection of wigs and hats, for the days when a wig was too much, was second to none. What's more he still had a full collection of 1982 Texaco tiger tokens.

  • The collection was his pride and joy. A business rival had once offered to exchange the set in return for a night of passion with his comely wife, and whilst he was very tempted the thought of giving up the Texaco tiger tokens was simply too much to bear. Jocelyn, the wife, had been most displeased at his rebuttal, for she had always...

  • felt somewhat neglected. Well one would wouldn't one when one comes second to little piecec of paper with a redemmable value of 0.0001p. Though that wasn't the worst part, it was his, extreme lack of interest in anythig in the bedroom department that really...

  • fuelled her desire for Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson, the way he had an...................

  • answer for all environmental campaigner's concerns was breathtaking. And that most of them involved burning fossil fuels and culling badgers... well, she could barely contain herself on a Sunday night. Her husband forbade her from watching Dave on the freeview box, because whenever she did the household stock of batteries was soon depleted. Why, one time..............

  • the mere-est mention of James May, got her in to such an aroused state she couldn't but help to sate her needs on the very spot ..... whilst being a Top Gear fan himself the Tesco Store manager still handed her a lifetime ban , which meant she had to ....

     

  • dress up in disguise whenever she did the weekly shop. This turned out to be great fun, by now she has amassed a great and wide varity of costumes so that not only does she hire herself out as a kissagram but also has a neat line in...

  • .... civil war re-enactments, however after a couple of booking mix-ups ...

  • she found herself dressed as an SS storm trooper and detained at the Polish border where she had gone to try and find work as a builder.......................

  • E mmyE mmy ✭✭✭
    But by sheer luck she ran into a transvestite called Molly....
  • ..... which actually wasn't that lucky for Molly as she happened to be driving her second world war replica Panzer at the time, fortuantely though Molly survived and together they .....

  • devoured the entire contents of the breakfast buffet of the first class diner of the Trans Siberian railway. Which is fine if you like galloping indigestion. Molly adjusted the buckle of her belt to allow for a little more breakfast, she looked deep into the...

  • .... now empty Weetabix box, sighed resignedly, then with a flourish she stood and to the rest of the carriage calmly announced .......

  • With a voice full of emotion and tears streaming down her face....

  • .........that she was a secret IPod user and was related to Bert, his Mom, Jemima Puddleduck and that the Rev Pat had hacked all their 'phones. All their deepest innermost secrets were about to be exposed on his primetime bible show unless they were all prepared to to become real runners' with blackened toenails, snapped achilles tendons and avoid all GP,s and physios pledging themselves only to...... 

  • run THE marathon. Because obviously, there's only the one. Unfortunately, the ballot had not been kind, but the plucky runners had a plan!

  • They were going to use some of Jemimas disguises and disguise themselves as...

  • E mmyE mmy ✭✭✭

    a bunch of z-list celebs. The plan was flawless, except....

  • for the distinct lack of day-glo orange self-tanning cream. But disaster was averted with the arrival of...

  • the luncheon trolly. (they are still on the train after all and what else is there to do on a train other than eat and stare out of the window). Several hrs later after lunch and been consumed and dinner was yet to appear an idea crept slowly into his/her mind. A small idea that was rather shy but it kept on growing, forming into a rather cunning plan...

  • what if, instead of dressing as z-list celebrities, they dressed as Kenyan men? They'd be guaranteed a spot at the start line! No messing about with pens and trying to traverse the various charity runners, men dressed as bananas, or first timers who entered on a whim and were planning on walking the whole race whilst supping on Lucozade-zero-sugar-what's-the-point-in-drinking-it? and looking for the BBC cameras. Yes! All they needed was...

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