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Why are Communists so good at spotting approaching wet weather?
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.
I think that you will find it is "To Whom..."
A friend of mine can't go past a sweetshop without going in and buying a packet of Polo mints. It's become a serious problem to him.
He went to see a psychiatrist about it.
The shrink said he's suffering from Buy Polo Disorder.
(I made that one up.)
So I was playing Darts and I said to my friend "closest to the Bull" then I went "Baaah" and he went "Moo" .. I said you're closest.
I went buy some Camoflague Trousers the other day.. I couldn't find any.
I picked up the phone and said "who's speaking please?" and a voice said "you are".
Rickster wrote (see)
Knock knock. Who's there? Too. Too who? I think that you will find it is "To Whom..."
Why did the bald man go to the funeral?
toupée his respects.
My brother reckons he made that one up.
so I wanted to get my pet snail into running.
i took his shell off to make him more aerodynamic, but he just became sluggish.
How do you describe a hungry horse in four letters?
(OH's favourite joke - she must have told me a thousand times!)
Peter, that one takes the award.
What do you call a German hairdresser?
Barkles wrote (see)
Peter, that one takes the award.
She still laughs every time she tells me - I've had 23 years of it!!
What do you call a German hairdresser? Herr Cut.
Heh. When I was a squaddie in Germany many moons ago we had a barber ... who was of course known to all as Herr Cuts.
The local police caught two lads last night. One had been drinking battery acid and the other had been eating fireworks.
They charged the first one and let the second one off.
What do you call an Irishman sitting out in the garden?
Paddy O Furniture
My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem is she's rubbish at snooker...
The major supermarkets are reporting a drop in sales of hummus, taramosalata and guacamole.
It's a triple-dip recession.
Q: What's the connection between Kate Middleton and the Taleban??
A: They'd both like to blow down Prince William's chopper.
What do you do if a pig gets run over?
Call a hambulance.
What do you call a cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
A Tortoise got mugged by a gang of Snails, the Police asked what happened. He said "it's hard to remember, it all happened so fast".
Two men have been arrested for clearing the snow outside a school. Police have named them as Gary Gritter & Jimmy Shovel.
Two snowmen in a field. One of them says to the other one "Can you smell carrots?"
I slipped over in the snow. Don't laugh, it's snow joke!
A man was attacked with some sodium chloride and a Duracel. His attacker was found guilty of assault and battery.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a horse, a midget, a wman, a trotoise and a nun walk in to a bar.
The barman says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
john denver was never any good at completing forms.
i filled up his census.