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Rugby world cup
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A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
“Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......”
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi’s head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
“Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora.......”
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
“Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......”
“WHAT!!!” the Aliens said to each other. “These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let’s see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!”
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi’s brain. “Now surely he won’t know anything at all.
He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?”
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as
The Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
“WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......”
“Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......”
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi’s head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
“Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora.......”
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
“Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......”
“WHAT!!!” the Aliens said to each other. “These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let’s see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!”
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi’s brain. “Now surely he won’t know anything at all.
He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?”
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as
The Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
“WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......”
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God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Johnson first he asks, "what do you believe?" Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left.
He then turns to Hill, "and you, Dicky, what do you believe?" Hill stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?"
I believe..." says Wilkinson "...you're sitting in my seat"
Aliens, wondering how far they could go before this strange object ceased functioning all together, decided to take out the whole head.
Thus was the South African rugby forward invented.
their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up
an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an
England supporter and I would like this for Christmas".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to your mother".
Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and finds
his mother.
"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter
and I would like this shirt for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
and says, "Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I
would like this shirt for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head
and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About
half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've
learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and
already I hate you Aussie b*$"*%ds."
great joke about the kiwis though
"Hello is that the police"
"Yes, What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Rangi! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood".
"Thank you for calling sir".
The next day the police raided Rangi's house & they searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes they busted open every piece of firewood but found no marijuana. After awhile they gave up looking & left. Next thing the phone rang at Rangi's.
"Hey cuz!, Whitu here. Did the cops come?".
"Yeah cuz"
"Did they chop your firewood?".
"Yeah!!!"
"Ahhh, Ka pai, Happy birthday Bro"
*******
And I'm a kiwi too! By the way we're going to win the World Cup..
Go the All Blacks!!
>>>sniff<<<
>>>booo hooo<<<
no you're not!
That was a mackem v toon joke last time it was on the forum.
Now say sorry
:-)
The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then
curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard.
10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Earls Court.
13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following complaints from the RSPCA.
;o)
<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>
Sorry,
good though innit?
I meant to say it was already on the URWRFC
So you should have used (I hope this works)
<<<<<<<<<<< already on the URWFRC >>>>>>>>>>>
I hope this hasn't confused you :O)
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Welsh Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English rugby tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Welshman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide England and Wales
but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f**k all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
btw - don't need velcro gloves - just kiss them properly and they are like puppies in your hands
I'm told that if you can get them to brush up against an electric fence.......