Living with a narcissist

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  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭

    Where's Vlad when you need him?

    /members/images/493151/Gallery/vlad.jpg

     JK12 Take note.

    🙂

  • Thanks everyone - I put my hands up to being a total coward, I cant look at myself in the mirror sometimes because of what I have "let" happen. Self centred bully is probably a very close description but there seems to be a lot of signs of narcissm as well. I have stood up to her and things have happened that indicate to me she has no empathy at all - not to me anyway - Christmas day was interesting, I took the dog out in the morning as usual, she did tell me to take him out a little earlier than I usual do but thought nothing of it, I came back and she and the kids had opened pretty much all the presents without me, I tried to get close to helping open the last few and she literally blocked me out, I didnt want to cause a scene but was upset - this was because I had gone against her wishes on xmas eve. There are other cases where I have tried to stand up to her (trying not to be a coward) but I know the kick back can be worse.

    Have a good weekend and thanks for the frank exchange, much appreciated and has given me the kick I needed / deserve.

  • StiltsStilts ✭✭✭
    Just wondering if you should try and get professional help from say a Relate counsellor to help you manage the situation in a away which will cause least damage to your children, you need to come out of it all with your relationship with them intact and they need to know that you love them and that this is not the 'normal' family life that most of us aspire to (including you). They may be young but children know what's going on far more than we give them credit for.



    I wish you well in what sounds like a fairly awful situation.
  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭

    JK12 I observe that you are being told what to do by your wife and comply.

    This is not acceptable, I'm sorry.

    She has no more right to tell you what to do, anymore than you have to tell her either. But this deal of yours is totally one sided.

    You say you don't want to cause a scene. But its not you that would be causing the scene. Your wife has. You would merely be revealing the scene.

    I guess I watched my father set conditions, they seemed to work well. He went along with some requests but had a limit. In fact I used one ruse of his when I was eight years when dealing with a teacher.

    I'd overheard my mother nipping away at old man for a while until he stopped her with some phrase. (Hmm, that could be handy, I thought)

    So when this women teacher had made me stand on a chair and was ranting away, I let her have it. "Oh why don't you shut up, I'm sick and tired of you nagging at me!". 

    It worked. She was so shocked that she asked me to sit down. And then left the room.

    Standing up for yourself has various levels. You appear to be doing the same things but wanting a different result. 

    At the end of the day. What hold does your wife have on you? Does she have some incriminating evidence to use against you?

    Your children are developing with you as an example of how to behave. 

    Resisting an instruction isn't really good enough.

    She needs a shock. You are clearly quite predictable which is why she can sod you about. Is she bigger and physically stronger than you?

     

    🙂

  • as your kidws are getting older they will notice things more.by staying and keeping the situation as it is then you are teaching them that her behaviour is normal and acceptable.....

    so you need to leave and fight for some / all custody or you need to stay and change things even if it rocks the boat....

    have you spoken to your GP yet.they should be talked too....they might notice behaviour there.and if it gets to a court battle then its good to show that you have been having these problems for years and you just haven't made them up in the spur of the moment because  you are going to court

     

     good luck

  • Different opinions are fine, even if you don't like them. The OP was ok with that and that's fine, but posters taking petty swipes at other posters on what is a thread about a serious relationship problem is just not on.

    It's the ususal suspects doing it and I shouldn't expect any different from them but it all gets a bit tiresome. I only hope others are more helpful should you ever find yourselves in difficult circumstances.

  • JK12 - just to wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. It's not easy making the decision to leave a marriage, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. Agree with Seren's comments above about talking to your GP. Good luck with everything image

  • My mother was a narcissist. My father was completely under her thumb. I emerged from childhood with a completely warped view of the world and it has taken a lot of time, money and suffering to deal with it. I only ever had a few days alone with my father without her imposed itinerary, but I cherish those memories, and if they had split I hope I would have had more time like that in the normal world.. But it wasn't going to happen. I went around with a lot of guilt because I believed that my mother made all kinds of unbelievable sacrifices just for me, whereas actually everything was arranged to be about her in the end and I was being manipulated.



    Good luck, and be aware that if there is any manipulation going on, the kids will benefit immeasurably from even a short break from it.
  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭
    Helvetica Bold wrote (see)
    My mother was a narcissist. My father was completely under her thumb. I emerged from childhood with a completely warped view of the world and it has taken a lot of time, money and suffering to deal with it. I only ever had a few days alone with my father without her imposed itinerary, but I cherish those memories, and if they had split I hope I would have had more time like that in the normal world.. But it wasn't going to happen. I went around with a lot of guilt because I believed that my mother made all kinds of unbelievable sacrifices just for me, whereas actually everything was arranged to be about her in the end and I was being manipulated.

    Good luck, and be aware that if there is any manipulation going on, the kids will benefit immeasurably from even a short break from it.

    You have my admiration for your post.  

    🙂

  • Thank you all again for your comments, much appreciated. Helvetica Bold - thank you for this and as RicF said it is a brave post. I have been / am completely under the thumb as well (coward as RicF said) but I have seen the light (sounds cheesy but unless you have been in this situation you dont know how the manipulation etc preys on you and makes you believe) and I need to fight for proper access and time with my kids, I don't want them growing up thinking that was is happening is correct. When my wife is out of sight my kids talk to me and we have fun, I always make sure I smile and tell them I love them, when she returns the fear returns and they withdraw. I am going to fight to give them longer memories that they can cherish, it will not be easy but I need to do it.

    Thank you all. 

  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭

    JK12 

    You have plenty of support on this forum.

    Sounds as though your kids have already worked it out. Once they see enough other people and how they behave, they'll acquire (with guidance) all the information they need to develop into balanced individuals.

    Do the right things and time will do the rest.

    Good luck.

    🙂

  • RicF - thanks for that post, appreciated.

  • Screamapillar wrote (see)

    The thing is, with narcissists you can be passive or you can be aggressive  but you can't win either way. People think narcissism is all about vanity and wanting to be praised and fawned over. It's nothing like that at all. It's obsessive, nasty and completely dysfunctional. Narcissists have no empathy or sympathy even for their own children. They are emotionally deficient  - only one step removed from psychopaths. 

     You have to have known one to understand how completely f*cked up they are.

    I believe this is correct. Genuine narcissistic personality disorder is not a behavioural choice. If you're sure this is the problem (and not just passive aggressive manipulation and bullying) the best thing you can do is get out and get your kids out too.

    Years back I had a partner who was an extreme narcissist and for a fair amount of time I tried everything I could to help him and put up with a lot of crap in the process but in the end I chose to cut him off completely and have nothing more to do with him. He still owes me a lot of money but I've written it off. He told all of his (and some mutual) friends that he had ditched me, that I was the one who owed him money and basically everything that he'd done to me became in his mind things that I'd done to him. A lot of them believed him and probably thought I was a complete looper! He refused to take any responsibility for anything he'd done, blamed everything on me, and said he didn't want anything more to do with me (after I left him, lol!) yet spent over six months immediately following our breakup stalking me online and harrassing me by phone, text and email, sometimes calling and texting me 50 times a night. I persistently ignored him adn eventually it died down but even now, five years since I last saw him or spoke to him, he continues to follow me around online using assumed names that he thinks I'm not aware of.

    Narcissists are indeed completely f*cked up!

  • Presumably if it came to a divorce, you would get a court order giving you more access to the children than you have now, maybe nearly full-time. That would be a serious threat to your wife.

     

     

     

     

  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭

    If the Narcissist individual is deemed by professionals to be a danger to others, then they could be sectioned under the Mental Health act.

    In this case the harm could be to the mental health of one's children.

    Worth a visit to a GP for advice.

    🙂

  • Sectioning someone because they might be a danger to their children is pretty extreme. It might work as a temporary crisis measure, but it would more usually be dealt with by the family courts giving residence to the other parent (or put the child in care if there is no other suitable relative) and giving the parent with the personality disorder supervised access only. But it would have to be really bad to get to that stage and very few narcissists ever even get a diagnosis - they are able to give a good impression to doctors etc.

    However as children get older the courts give them more say in their living arrangements and kids figure this stuff out in the end.
  • A visit to the gp will be done. One thing that scared me in the past about going down the divorce route was how cool, cold and rational my wife can sound to people who don't know what is going on. One of my friends asked her why she was treating me so badly and at the end of the conversation she was shocked at how cold etc she was. I feel stronger now and will do what I can for my kids as it has gone on for too long.
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