• Tip my hat to Curlytwig.
  • Mine's 83, we don't have any sort of normal relationship and never have, for all sorts of unhappy reasons I won't go into.  I neither love her nor even like her.   She has a mythical daughter in her head who she boasts about to her friends, who bears no relation to me.  God knows how she glossed over my first marriage breaking down or me being made redundant.  When the latter happened there was a crashing silence.  Three months later she put a PS in my birthday card asking if I'd got a new job yet. Then when she heard I was working she phoned endlessly, wanting unimporant details about how long it took me to get there and how much it paid so she could go back to boasting to her friends.  None of the questions were about what it had been like having the rug pulled out from under me, or whether or not I was happy in the new job.

    She moved to the middle of nowhere in Scotland when she was 55 knowing it would be reasonably impractical for me to get there from the opposite end of the country.  I've only visited twice, and that was more than enough after the first half hour.  Now she's the age she is, I'm supposed to feel different.  I don't.   I sent a Mother's Day card because my conscience wouldn't let me do otherwise, but TBH that took some doing.  I divorced my first husband who I'd actually made promises to, so why can't I be free of this horrible distructive relationship I never asked for after nearly 50 years of it?

    Dave, back of on this one no matter how much water has flowed under the bridge between you two on different issues.  Whatever it was this is waaay bigger and you'll never understand in a million years.

  • (thanks for nice comments) my little one likes to buy stuff, i like them doing nice things for me  - the older one i  asked to straighten my hair  - its very curly  - takes ages  lol  - the little one will make gallons of tea as she learned to last year at brownies  - she doesn't always make it well image but i drink it 

    it is a bit of a clintons day  - my 2 would be dissapointed if they didn't get do something for me 

    i just hope its not pooring with rain for the running festival 

  • I think it may be a bit of a Clintons Day but i think a lot of stuff goes along with it, like thinking about your mum and your relationship and doing something out of the ordinary for her. I think you should do all that while she's still around, because one day it will be too late to.
  • some sad tales on here image nice for people though who have good relationships with their mothers, just shows though, its not all natural bonding and life long friendships 

    cherish the moments  you can with those you love xxx 

  • Curlytwig, you should see what mine have "made" me over the years. I always hear the smoke alarm go off when they're "making" the toastimage

    Hashie - Mothers are extremely complex, aren't they? Mine told me today she thinks we have "so much in common". I really idenitfy with what you said.

    We have NOTHING in common except DNA and I wonder about even that....

  • E mmyE mmy ✭✭✭
    My mum and I are too similar and I see myself adopting her habits unconsciously (both good and bad). I have a good relationship with her and could tell her anything. She's gone through a lot in her life and I can see how it affects her. She was brought up by a strict Yorkshire woman who didn't know the meaning of love - just how to use a wooden spoon to beat them.

    She hates birthdays, Christmas etc. I've sent her a card but she'll not open it. it'll be left on the mantelpiece. she knows that I've done it and its the thought that's there.
  • My mum said yesterday 'I know deep down you really worry about your dad' and before I could stop myself I told the truth.....

    'Actually, I DON'T worry too much about a man who was both physically and emotionally sadistic and who is now desperately ill through ALL fault of his own and refuses medical help routinely but is also terrified of dying'.

    I worry about my kids. Who are far more important to me.

    Should've lied though. She sounded really hurt. Because like Hashie, the person she thinks is her daughter is made up in her head.
  • I was not close to my mother.  So I don't miss her although I am living in her house and I am joint executor and will benefit when I finally sort it and sell it - I do sometimes think she understood - her mother made her what she was by always favouring my Uncle then when Grandma realised her mistake she reversed the behaviour with her Grandkids.  My mother never sorted her head out so wasn't capable of some of the emotional support children need - so the distance was always there, and some things are difficult for me - but I am in my forties now I can choose to deal with it.


  • I was very lucky, I had a wonderful mother in whose eyes I was just perfect (I'm not of course) and she supported me whatever I did. Never recognized it at the time of course but as a young teenager wanting special new shoes or clothes I didn't realize how much she went without in order for my brother and I to have what we wanted. We had a great childhood, Dad was also a super parent, money was tight but he worked lots of overtime so that the family could have a fortnight's summer holiday somewhere on the coast, and took us kids to lots of sports events right from when we were small. I credit our parents for both of us growing up with sports, me in athletics (now triathlon) and Bruv playing football from the age of 7 until his late 40s.

  • I was thinking about this only last night.

    Did my mother make me the way I am?  Or would I have been exactly the same if we'd had a better relationship? 

    When I was little and didn't want to eat all my meal, she would tell me that when she was a child, if she didn't finish her food HER father would bring the plate back out at the next meal, until it was eaten.

    So why did she perpetuate forcing children to eat when they have had enough?  If I HAD had any children, I'm damn sure I would not have forced them to eat food they didn't want, because I remember how I hated it.

  • Interesting question about 'did your mother make you who you are' Wilkie.

    I can't answer that.

    But I do know that if you give a child a choice, they'll never eat the stuff that's actually nutritious. They will choose the high fat sugar and salt stuff that contribute to obesity. They simply don't THINK in a consequential manner. I asked mine this question and they admitted they would eat NO fruit and vegetables if I didn't insist on it. If a child is complaining that they've eaten enough, that's a very different thing from simply refusing to eat what's good for them. You shouldn't over face your kids but you as a parent have a duty to ensure that you raise them with good eating habits so they can make informed choices as adults. Studies have shown that toddlers are programmed to reject 'green food' because their brains process it as poisonous. They need to be TAUGHT that it isn't.
  • And I was force fed as a child sometimes until I was sick by my father who would jam open my mouth. Now THAT was quite traumatic. He tried the 'you'll sit there until its gone' and then resorted to force and violence.
  • LIVERBIRD wrote (see)
     Studies have shown that toddlers are programmed to reject 'green food' because their brains process it as poisonous. They need to be TAUGHT that it isn't.

    And the way they are programmed to learn what's safe to eat, is by seeing you eating it, so the way to get toddlers to eat green stuff is to eat it in front of them, a lot, with real enjoyment.

  • *chews leftover pork pie thoughtfully*
  • E mmyE mmy ✭✭✭
    MikeFrog wrote (see)
    LIVERBIRD wrote (see)
     Studies have shown that toddlers are programmed to reject 'green food' because their brains process it as poisonous. They need to be TAUGHT that it isn't.

    And the way they are programmed to learn what's safe to eat, is by seeing you eating it, so the way to get toddlers to eat green stuff is to eat it in front of them, a lot, with real enjoyment.

    When my nephew was younger; my mum used to puree up veggies to get him used to it from the first tastes of solid food. She used to use homegrown 'fresh' veg and the colour was amazing. He loved it because the colours were vibrant and the taste was sweet. I think getting them when they're young with the freshest food is vital. Who wants to eat 10 day old cauliflower anyway?

  • LIVERBIRD wrote (see)
    Interesting question about 'did your mother make you who you are' 
    Simple answer yes parents do make you who you are, but our behaviour works the opposite way, as parents can be held responsible for the behaviour of a child we spend half our lives responding back as adults, so parents behaviour can be altered too.
  • My mother died 14 years ago today.


  • WombleWomble ✭✭✭
    My Mum had an op on Tuesday to have a lump removed from her breast. Now we wait for test results to find out how it went. She has been very positive about 'catching it early' etc in the few weeks since finding the lump. She's spent the last few years ferrying my Dad back and forth to hospital but unfortunately he's not well enough to do it for her.

    Thinking about it, she's such a glass half empty person it's quite funny that she's putting on this positive spin. Hopefully she's right.
  • StiltsStilts ✭✭✭
    This is quite a sad thread.

    The older I get, and the older my children get, the more I forgive my mother for everything I ever blamed her for. She wasn't perfect and she wasn't superhuman, she was just doing her best, same as we all do.

    Good luck Womble. Your mother is protecting her children. Faced with the same situation mine did the same, and so did I. What else are you spposed to do?
  • WombleWomble ✭✭✭
    And as a mother myself, I haven't yet told my my children about their Gran's illness. I'm waiting until something like 'the answer' is available. They are 22 and 19 but obviously I still feel very protective towards them.
  • RicFRicF ✭✭✭

    For some reason my parents deserted me and my siblings. I was six years old when they climbed into a car and without a word, drove off.

    Our questions (to grand-parents) were met with silence. I mean, how upset can you get. I felt like I'd swallowed a grapefruit whole. I got used to the idea they were gone forever after a week or so. You run out of tears.

    Several weeks later they returned with some excuse but it made no difference, As far as I was concerned, they were dead. 

    I look after my mother out of duty not affection. She's in hospital right now and wondering why the staff seem to avoid her. I would suggest that constant demands, questions and complaints might have everything to do with it.

    She's terminal. But from my point of view its just postponed since 1967.

  • StiltsStilts ✭✭✭
    RicF, that's an astonishing story and I hardly know what to say, your pain is tangible.

    A very sad thread indeed.
  • There are no words really Ric.

    I think that's one of the saddest stories I've ever read on here.

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