Friday Joke

One day, Miss Finch was giving the class a lesson on grammar. "I want someone to use the word brilliant, in the same sentence twice"

"My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress", said Little Mary.

"My mother planned a brilliant banquet and turned out brilliantly", said Little Jack.

Then Little Johnny spoke up, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. He said, 'Brilliant, just fucking brilliant!"

Comments

  • A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the 
    ball into the woods. 

    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog 
    in a trap. 


    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I  will
    grant you three wishes." 
    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 

    "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your
    wishes. 

    Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!"
    The woman 
    said, "That's okay." 

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most 
    beautiful woman in the world. 
    The frog warned her, "You do
    realize that this 
    wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in
    the world, an Adonis 
    whom women will floc to". 
    The woman replied,
    "That's okay, because I will 
    be the most beautiful woman and he will have
    eyes only for me." 
    So, KAZAM- 
    she's the most beautiful Woman in the
    world! 

    For her second wish, she 
    wanted to be the richest woman in
    the world. 
    The frog said, "That will make 
    your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
    you. "  
    The woman
    said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's 
    his is mine." 

    So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! 

    The 
    frog then
    inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a 
    mild
    heart attack." 

    Moral of the story: 
    Women are cleve r. Don't  mess with them. 

    Attention 
    female readers: 

    This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue 
    feeling
    good 

    Male 

    readers: Please scroll down. 


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    The man had a heart attac ten
    times 
    "milder" than his wife!!! 


    Moral of the story 
    Women are really dumb but think
    they're really smart 



    Let them
    continue to think that way and just enjoy the show 


    PS: If you are a woman and are still
    reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! 


    You can forward
    this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good
    sense of humour image

  • The are 2 cats on a beach on the south English coast. One is English - it's called One Two Three. The other is French - it's called Un Deux Trois. They are having a argument over who is the better swimmer, and they decide to have a race across The Channel to France to find the answer. So on the count of 3, they are off. After much paddling, One Two Three reaches France. He looks around the beach, and can't see Un Deux Trois anywhere. He asks another cat he sees on the beach about Un Deux Trois and this cat turns to him, puts his little paw around One Two Three's shoulder and says, "Sorry mate, but Un Deux Trois cat sank."

  • ( groans)

  • One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I
    suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
    Listen, don't waste your time down at the
    surgery," Mike replies
    'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and
    what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot
    quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

    So
    Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
    He
    deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
    ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
    heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

    That evening while
    thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the
    computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
    urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the
    mixture for good measure.
    Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what
    would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited
    the results.
    The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then
    printed the following:

    1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
    softener.
    2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
    3) Your dog has
    ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    4) Your daughter has a cocaine
    habit. Get her into rehab.
    5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't
    yours. Get a lawyer.

    ...
    6) And if you don't stop playing with
    yourself, your elbow will never get better...

    Thank you for shopping at
    Tesco.

  • Yes I am bored at work just counting down the time untill I go home image

  • What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

    A Scotsman wears a kilt, but Walt Dis'nee! image

  • image Keep un coming I'm clock watching and got nothing to do for 10 minutes. image

  • What's E.T. short for?

     

    'cos he's only got little legs.

  • One man drank H2O, and another drank H2O too.

    The second one died.

  • A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy
    blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather
    taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he
    can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know
    me?"
    She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
    one of my children!"
    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has
    been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
    shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped
    me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

    "No", she
    replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

  • A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
    A
    neighbour looks over the fence and says:
    “Why are you digging that big deep
    hole?”
    “My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
    “I'm
    really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
    “but why such a big deep hole
    for a goldfish?”
    The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside
    your fucking cat.”

  • So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
    it.
    I thought...
    that's Abboriginal.

  • I rear-ended a car this morning …

    I tell you, I knew right then and
    there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
    The driver got out of the
    other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and
    said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
    So I said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"


    That's how the fight started...

  • The board at NUFC....image

  • Barkles wrote (see)

    The board at NUFC....image

    LOLimage not just a joke on a friday, but sat sun mon ......

  • The gift that keeps on giving!

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