I'm worried about my friend

He keeps chanting Domine, Bacterium, Lactobacillus, Casei, Shirotai ...

I think he's dabbling in the Yakult.



  • VDOT52VDOT52 ✭✭✭
  • TheDanTheDan ✭✭✭

    I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

  • My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.

  • VDOT52VDOT52 ✭✭✭
    I broke up with my mrs last week and she is already planning to marry some bloke called Rick O'shea. She must be on the rebound.
  • TheDanTheDan ✭✭✭

    until this afternoon i wondered if boomerangs really came back when you threw them

    Then it hit me

  • I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

    So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

  • i had a row with my wife today, she threw a chopped lettuce at me but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭
    TheDan wrote (see)

    until this afternoon i wondered if boomerangs really came back when you threw them

    Then it hit me

    Interesting factoid: "boo" in the Aboriginal language means "please come back". Which is logical, because otherwise they'd just be throwing meringues.

  • DeanR7DeanR7 ✭✭✭

    Do you know who really gives kids a bad name?    Posh and becks 

  • JT141JT141 ✭✭✭
    I asked the wine waiter if he had a semillon. He said it was just the cut of his trousers.
  • NorthEnderNorthEnder ✭✭✭

    I wasn't sure whether I could leave my car on the single yellow line in a strange town today. Thankfully, I got back  to find a helpful traffic warden had put a note on my windscreen saying "Parking Fine".

  • Got in the lift the other day, pressed 3 and it stopped at 4, then tried ground and it went to 6, it was wrong on so many levels

  • I turned into a cat earlier.


    Don't ask meow.

  • JT141JT141 ✭✭✭
    I told the shop assistant I wanted one of those watches with the hands. He said "Analogue?". I said, "No, just a watch".
  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    I opened my suitcase for the customs official in the red channel. "False bottom?", he asked.

    "No," I said, "These are my wife's jeans."

  • We were at passport control in Holland recently, I said we were exploring the country, "Uttrecht" he said.

    "No, we drove" I replied

  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭

    I was staying in a hotel last night, and this morning got up early and went for breakfast.  I ordered, and then about 10 minutes later the waitress brings a plate with two little black dots on it.

    I politely replied: "Actually, I asked for an omelette".

  • Sad to hear about Keith Harris dying this week.

    Orville is speechless.

  • VDOT52VDOT52 ✭✭✭
    David mlliband was asked to comment on his brothers performance last night. He refused and ranted something about the wrong brother. Apparently he is off his Ed.
  • TheDanTheDan ✭✭✭

    Growing up on a farm, my dad was always telling me to use the indoor toilet. But I preferred to go against the grain

  • VDOT52VDOT52 ✭✭✭
    Just had the car MOT'd. Turns out it needs front pads and discs and will cost 600pounds. Oh well... That the breaks.
  • A chugger knocked on on my door today and said he was collecting for Water Aid. So I gave him a glass. 

  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭

    I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

  • We were at Gatwick airport passport control, he asked where we were going, "Caribbean" I said, "Jamaica?" he asked, "no she came of her own accord" I replied

  • literatinliteratin ✭✭✭
    JT141 wrote (see)
    I asked the wine waiter if he had a semillon. He said it was just the cut of his trousers.

    This just made me laugh for about 5 minutes. I am easily amused.

    I can only think of one joke but it is too awful and would probably get me banned. Sorry. image

  • I'm writing my autobiography, left all the notes on the train, story of my life

  • Flat FootedFlat Footed ✭✭✭

    It's a mess isn't it?....


    Where soldiers eat.

  • Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

    Were you advised to walk 500 more?

    You could be entitled to compensation.

    Call the Pro Claimers NOW!

  • VDOT52VDOT52 ✭✭✭
    ^^^image ^^^
  • I was in a bar recently, chap came up to me "you look like one of the Proclaimers" he said; "one of them!!" I replied

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