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He keeps chanting Domine, Bacterium, Lactobacillus, Casei, Shirotai ...
I think he's dabbling in the Yakult.
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.So I packed her things and left.
until this afternoon i wondered if boomerangs really came back when you threw them
Then it hit me
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."
i had a row with my wife today, she threw a chopped lettuce at me but that was just the tip of the iceberg.
TheDan wrote (see)
until this afternoon i wondered if boomerangs really came back when you threw them Then it hit me
Interesting factoid: "boo" in the Aboriginal language means "please come back". Which is logical, because otherwise they'd just be throwing meringues.
Do you know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and becks
I wasn't sure whether I could leave my car on the single yellow line in a strange town today. Thankfully, I got back to find a helpful traffic warden had put a note on my windscreen saying "Parking Fine".
Got in the lift the other day, pressed 3 and it stopped at 4, then tried ground and it went to 6, it was wrong on so many levels
I turned into a cat earlier.
Don't ask meow.
I opened my suitcase for the customs official in the red channel. "False bottom?", he asked.
"No," I said, "These are my wife's jeans."
We were at passport control in Holland recently, I said we were exploring the country, "Uttrecht" he said.
"No, we drove" I replied
I was staying in a hotel last night, and this morning got up early and went for breakfast. I ordered, and then about 10 minutes later the waitress brings a plate with two little black dots on it.I politely replied: "Actually, I asked for an omelette".
Sad to hear about Keith Harris dying this week.
Orville is speechless.
Growing up on a farm, my dad was always telling me to use the indoor toilet. But I preferred to go against the grain
A chugger knocked on on my door today and said he was collecting for Water Aid. So I gave him a glass.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again
We were at Gatwick airport passport control, he asked where we were going, "Caribbean" I said, "Jamaica?" he asked, "no she came of her own accord" I replied
JT141 wrote (see)
I asked the wine waiter if he had a semillon. He said it was just the cut of his trousers.
This just made me laugh for about 5 minutes. I am easily amused.
I can only think of one joke but it is too awful and would probably get me banned. Sorry.
I'm writing my autobiography, left all the notes on the train, story of my life
It's a mess isn't it?....
Where soldiers eat.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?Were you advised to walk 500 more?You could be entitled to compensation.Call the Pro Claimers NOW!
I was in a bar recently, chap came up to me "you look like one of the Proclaimers" he said; "one of them!!" I replied