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I'm worried about my friend
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There's nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and he realises it's lettuce.
My wife always carries a spare fan belt in her handbag.
Just in case her tights snap.
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk in to an Irish theme bar.
The Irish barman says "Oh no, not Yew Tree again!"
when god was giving out looks my mother in law thought he said books and asked for a horror
If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from? *
*courtesy of my ex-husband.......
why did everyone want to hang around with the mushroom?
cos he is such a fungi
My OH's favourite joke ever: how do you describe a hungry horse in four letters? Mtgg.
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.
Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself for half an hour.
On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
saw this guy playing dancing queen on a didgeridoo and thought that's abbariginal.
My Grandad's so old that he remembers when X Factor was just a Roman sun cream.
I've been an unlucky Northerner all my life. I remember when there was a burst at the soup factory: all I could find in the house was a fork and a colander.
I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.
Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.
^^^ The answer's "Blackpool" ^^^
The FIFA headquarters in Switzerland has apparently been burgled. Raiders have stolen the names of the winners of the next two World Cups.
The sight of woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%...
per boob.
I said to my mate, "My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in Wonderland character, and it's getting very annoying!"
He said, "Are you mad at her?"
I said, "Fuck's sake, don't you start!"
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.
A man is driving through the Devon countryside and stops to ask a local man for directions.
Driver "Excuse me, what's the quickest way to Torquay hospital?"
Man "Go in to the Red Lion and piss in someone's pint."
Man "are you planning on walking or driving"
Driver "driving obviously"
Man "that's the fastest way"
A man knocked on my door earlier with a survey and asked what my thoughts were on awkward moments.
I just stood there and stared at him in silence.
What time does Saddam Hussein have his dinner?
At the same time that Tariq Aziz.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.