'coming out'

I want to 'come out' to my family... as religious! Buddhist, in fact. And I need advice.

The brief story is: I was raised culturally Anglican, but never learned about Christianity or went to church, because my Dad hates all organised religion (and personal religious beliefs), and my Mum isn't strongly religious. I have never had any belief in God, so it didn't really matter to me. However, my Mum is still mildly scandalized that I don't believe in God. Oh yes, and my brother is also vociferously anti-religion and anti-faith.

I've always had a 'religious' leaning though, but before I discovered zen Buddhism, I didn't have my path, so to speak. When I first began meditating with a group six/seven years ago, and told my Mum, she seemed very worried, and thought that I was worshipping some strange new god. Not a good start.

So, my faith is a part of my daily life now (oh yes, I'm veggie, but the family does not approve, so I compromise and eat meat when I am with them), and I am thinking of being ordained - which is sort of like a confirmation, or perhaps an adult baptism - basically, a public affirmation of my faith.

I really want to tell my family about all of this, because it is important to me, and it also troubles me that I have to 'hide' this from them. But because of their attitudes towards religion, I have *no idea* how to do it!!!

Any suggestions, or anecdotes, will be very much appreciated!!!

Hildy
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Comments

  • Could you write to them , saying some of what you have said here?
  • I was thinking of writing a letter to my Mum, BB. But I would still have to deal with their disapproval, etc. And I think it would be very bad.

    Hmmm...
  • But long term that will be easier than "living a lie"(hope that doesn't sound to strong). One would hope that they would accord your beliefs with respect too.
  • hilde - sit down while we have a little chat.....
  • Hi Hilde - could you stress the concept that it is as much a philosophy, and a way to live one's life, as a religion. (that doesn't sound quite right, all religions are supposed to have daily practical applications but some western ones can become a bit far removed from reality?) Could you ask your mum to read a book that covers the basics of Buddhism, or even a website if she is into it.?

    Does she like Richard Gere...?

    x
  • You must tell them Hildegard. I know that if it was me, my parents would also be very shocked and not altogether happy, and my brother would be disgusted (also very anti-faith, anti-religion). But they don't sound too bad, not like they'd never speak to you again, but I suppose it's kind of embarrasing having to tell your family something really important about yourself that they have no idea about. I mean, when you're growing up, they know your beliefs and feelings on most things, so it's weird to have to inform them of something like this.
    I don't however have any experience of this kind of thing, but I just wanted to sympathise.

    Maybe you could water it down a litle bit if it doesn't go against your principles too much. Or just present it to them in a way you know they'll find easier to accept. Eg: For your mum's sake, you're not worshipping a new God, for your dad and brother's sake, you're just following a new lifestyle? Them maybe with time they'll learn to accept it.
  • Sit them down and tell them you are gay.





    In the stoney silence that follows say "Only kidding, actually I'm a Buddhist.".
  • .....you're a veggie that eats meat? Then you're not a veggie.
  • BodBod ✭✭✭
    Hilde
    I'm sorry if i'm coming from a position nearer that of your brothers.

    I started to write a reply, scrubbed it and am still not sure whether I'll actually send this one but...

    do you really need/hope to get your families understanding/acceptance of this, after all we are talking about faith which is what you beleive.

    Tell them what you need to be true to yourself, play it straight, expect apathy or disapproval (it will probably be better than that but at least you are prepared), don't explain!

    It the same with base training!
  • Richard Gere ain't my kind of Buddhist though, oh no! :)

    I've done a few other things in my life which caused them to minimise contact with me, and that was really painful, and I don't want it to happen again. I guess that is also adding to my worry.

    But yes, perhaps starting with my Mum will be the path of least resistence!

    Has anyone else had religious conflicts in their families?

    Again, thanks.
  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭
    Dodge, I was thinking along the same lines...

    "Mum, Dad, I'm a devil worshipper...."

    Anything is then a plus.

    Seriously though, you may have to get some literature together, to reassure them that you are not joining some sinister cult, and that you are not going to try to convert them and all their friends to your new religion.

  • Jose.Jose. ✭✭✭
    I came to an agreement with mum (sister is on my side so no probs.)

    Basically she's catholic (very) and i think Neron dealt very well with the Christians, and so did the Republicans during the Spanish uncivil war, dealing with priests.

    Solution. We don't talk about religion. Respect to the other's point of view and problem solved.

    Good luck anyway
  • Not a Buddest Hildy but quite a strident vegetarian from a family of meat eaters.

    I've been vegetarian for 22 years and I still have problems when I go home. My family now make an effort to cater for me but I still get all the questions and reasons why I should eat meat.

    As for the question of telling your family of your faith, personally I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Unless you spend a lot of time with them, your faith will probably have little impact on them. But put your foot down about the veggie bit tho :-)

    Are you going to go the whole way? Saffron robes and no hair?

    If you have your ceremony in England I'd love to come and celebrate with you.

    I hope your faith will give you the strength and tranquility to make good decisions.

    JJ
  • Awh!!

    Toughy! Do any of you that have children (say 16 and under) think how your reaction might be to this problem if it were your own child?

    I'm 50 this year and with problems with my parents over 30 years ago vowed to respect the views and beliefs of any children I had in later life. Well Mrs 'kk' and I have two lads aged 22 and 25, we have tried to follow this foolow this line throughout their (our sons) lives. Because when all is said and done it is THEIR lives!! All we could do is bring them up to be polite, respect others and to be able to respect themselves. I think we have by and large succeeded.

    Now I am not particularly religious but when I had cancer over 20 years ago I was the first to say "God help me!".

    Hildegard I think you have to follow your beliefs, because it is YOUR life. I'm sure that your faith will help you through this.

    All the best.
  • hilde - from one buddha about another

    follow your own beliefs and let others make their own judgements. you are you.
  • I'm not reglious to start with but do not mind/care what religious beliefs others have.

    I have to admit that from a mothers perspective my daughter could come home and tell me anything and I would always support her.

    You hear of mass murderers who are caught and you sometimes struggle to understand how the mothers/fathers don't hate them like the rest of society.

    The fact is that our kids are our kids no matter what they do and we have to accept that they live their own lives. Yes we like to influence them to be better people hoping that they will learn from our mistakes but at the end of the day we have to accept their way of life.

    Hilde I do sympathise, like you I've caused my mum and family to be upset by things that I've done but thankfully they've accepted me for who I am. Your family should do the same and if they don't then maybe you should start to accept that you can't always agree and impress them and the bottom line is life is too short to worry!

    Keep smiling and all the best! x
  • Hildy, not easy, but to thyself be true. Giving news to relatives that you think they won't want to hear is so tough, but perhaps the reaction may be better than you expect.

    You are basing this decision on sound beliefs and principles, deep down isn't that what we parents hope our children will do?

    Best wishes to you..
  • Jose.Jose. ✭✭✭
    There is a temple and a Buddhist cultural centre in Wimbledon if of any help

  • GavoGavo ✭✭✭
    Hildy, I went through a spiritual phase a few years ago & my family were tolerant as opposed to supportive. However, stubborness & individuality run deep in our family blood so we can generally do as we please!

    On the veggie thing, I came out on that about 12 years ago. It took my mum a while to adjust but I didn't live there at the time so she only needed to pay attention a few times a year.

    My only advice is to stick to your principles - you're old & wise enough to know your own mind & this obviously isn't a teenage crush type of thing. Give them the brief highlights as opposed to the full story & let them adapt to it.

    Then, if they accept that, tell them about r*nning.
  • Gavo, you go too far!
  • Oh NO!

    Don't go that far!

    THey'll never understand the 'R" thing!!
  • agree there - my mother (80) thinks I (50) am barking mad for all this r*nning
  • JJ, we wear black robes, but you only have to shave your head once, for the nun/monk ordination. I think I'll keep my hair for now!

    I will certainly stick to my principles, but I also need to find ways of communicating. Because, from previous experience, I know that my parents are NOT willing to 'accept me for who I am'.

    As for the veggie thing - I would never prepare meat for myself, but if someone is offering me food and meat is the only choice, then I will accept it gratefully anyway. I've chosen to compromise with my family because when I didn't, they would lecture me, shout at me, put meat on my plate anyway, etc. I lost a huge amount of weight and it wasn't healthy. Not nice, but I just want to be able to visit them in peace.

    Gavo, they already know about the r*nning!
  • When you do have to shave your head, just tell them your into your Sinead oconner phase. that will stall them for a while anyway, then theres the "im pregnant" thats another couple of months at least.
    By then we might have come up with a sensible answer to your dilemma :)
  • Families don't always get on. Will telling them about your faith worsen your relationship with them? It doesn't sound like it. Tell them and let them deal with it. Might seem harsh but as others have said it's your life and you don't want to live a lie.
  • Hilde I agree with Ms Wolfy.
    I don't want to diss your mother or any of your family, but they should accept you and love you for who you are, (and I am sure that they do). It is a two-way thing. This is a big thing for you, and part of you now and I am sure that your mother would want to know, and would not want you to be in angst about telling her.
    Compassion and tolerance all round!
    Meditate NOW!

    xx
  • Hilde - send them an invitation to your ordination. Make it a nice big embossed one so that they'll be torn between the desire to show it off on their mantelpiece and the urge to scream and rant at you. Hopefully the pride thing will win.

    I suspect that it won't be as big a thing to them as it is to you. Vegetarianism affects them, as they'd have to change their diet/cooking habits to accommodate you. Religion doesn't.

    Having said that, I do have pretty tolerant parents, who would wholeheartedly support anything I did if it made me happy. The worst thing my mother's ever done to me when I was suffering emotional distress was to open a bottle of champagne when I announced I'd just split up with a boyfriend. Unfortunately, it instilled in me a very expensive habit...

    Present it as a fait accompli. Brook no argument - in fact, don't give an option to argue. It's done - they can either accept it and make you happy, or not accept it, in which case you will try to understand their point of view but be deeply disappointed in them.

    good luck!
  • hmm

    'coming out...'

    the only problem with coming out is that you dont do it just once - you have to keep doing it '.....actually im a vegetarian Buddhist '


    as someone who experienced THE coming out at 16 (although it was more a being found out and having no choice ) i can empathise with your dilemma

    on one hand there is the overriding need to be who you are and to be open and honest about that

    and on the other there is the need to be accepted, and loved by those who are important to us

    Unfortunately parents and other close family memebers tend to come high up on that

    and it does seem that the less accepting and more judgemental - then the more we need and seek that approval - i suppose there is a lot in psychology about that

    a few questions - what is the worse thing they could say or do - and how would it affect you ? on a day to day level ?

    what do you really want them to say or do ?
    is that something that they are capable of ?
    (unconditional acceptance ?)

    does your Buddhist teaching give you any pointers about how to respond to others attitudes ? does non -attachment help in any way -or is it too difficult to apply to family (not sure about it myself but you mentioned it in a reply to me )

    Your parents seem like intelligent people so im sure they could understand the philosophy of Buddhism - but perhaps might struggle with your commitment and faith if it something that is alien to them - but if they can understand more of what it means (not a cult or weird religion ) then perhaps they can accept your choice

    whatever you decide - good luck -i really admire you - im very drawn to Buddhism in ways i cant really understand but dont have the commitment to really follow the path



    just looking to see if i could find any reflections or meditations in my books - mostly Tibetan Buddhist - different from Zen ?

    but i did find these ..

    If you find yourself with no support on the spiritual path,then walk on alone.
    There is no point in trying to learn from those who have nothing to teach.
    (The Novice
  • Wise words bune
    Cant add much to whats been said hildy

    but you must be true to yourself
    and its sad, but if your family cant accept that, then they arent accepting you
    and then you move on




    im sorry if that sounds harsh
    but if you are that convinced about your faith, and that it is right for YOU
    then its your life
    and something like this is too important to compromise
    and eventually you must walk away from the people that continually hurt and wont accept you
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • I suppose one significant cause of my worry is that, well, my parents' health hasn't been good in the past five years, and I want the time I have left with them to be good, and not filled with strife. I have two elder brothers and, because of our upbringing, we have all pretty much been alienated from our parents since we became adults and could make our own choices.

    The ordination would probably be next year, but it would also be in France, and it's not a public event anyway. So, that's not really an issue.

    Hmmmm... I'm starting a draft of a letter for my mum, so I will see how it goes.

    Thanks.
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