Comedy Effluent

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Comments

  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭
    What do you call a bear with no paw?































    Rupert the b******.
  • I think the "pointless comment" option is being neglected. Less of the witless and more of the pointless I say!
  • If this is a dumping ground for unfunny jokes (although it seems to have been hijacked by smoe very funny ones):

    Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

    My coat is on and I'm halfway out of the door...
  • For smoe, read whatever you want. If smoe makes sense to you, great.

    What do you call a spider with no legs?
  • Here's one for the "witless comment" requirement.

    When (not if, but when) it comes to chosing your superpowers - and the choice is between 'invisibility' and 'the power of flight' - do you think men would EVER prefer 'the power of flight'?

    And more importantly, could they justify their reason without reference to "changing rooms"?
  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭
    Don't know, what do you call a spider with no legs?

  • I was going for currant, but good alternative!

    What do you call a sheep with no legs (and no head, if you're being picky)?
  • Wickett, we must be mates? :-)

    Leave little lambs alone, they never hurt anyone. Let's all go to the baaaaaaaaaa instead :-)
  • Sorry I stole your punchline SVT. I thought you'd wandered off.


    I don't know what do you call.... etc
  • A cloud?

    (if that's right, sorry to steal the punchline)

    What do you call an over-excited Smartie?
  • I actually come from a long line of showbiz personalities.
    During the war my grandmother was the stand in for St Pauls Cathedral, the real one being packed away into storage for safety in order to escape the Luftwaffe. My mother had a number of jobs the most famous of which was Fanny Cradocks apron. It was hot work I am told and Fanny was a hard taskmaster. The most famous role the family can be proud of was my father who was the ball in the 1966 World Cup Final ! " Did you go over the line ?" I have asked him numerous times. " That my son is an official secret and being the ball I could not possibly tell you, anyway it all happened so quickly "
  • It wouldn't be a drawing pin would it Wickett?
  • NessieNessie ✭✭✭
    Sorry, these jokes are too funny for this thread, and are NOT what it was intended for. Please cease and desist from further funny jokes.

    Carry on, Bobolink.
  • What do you call a fly with no wings?
  • I also roam around a forum where everything is soooo serious. People are constantly moderated for not stating that ideas are a personal opinion. It is such a pain in the ar*e.
    I seem to remember that there was even humour within Aushwitz, if you read Victor Frankels account.
    If you can't stand the heat.....


    Am I allowed to post this in this thread, because it is actually serious???

    Please don't send me to room 101
  • A man decides to walk to work through the park one day, and sees a couple of tramps sitting on a bench. As he walks past, he overhears one saying "17", and the other falls of the bench splitting his sides with laughter. The man shrugs and carries on walking.

    He walks through the park again the next day, and sees the same two tramps. This time, one says "72" to the other, with similar side-splitting effects.

    This carries on for a couple of weeks. Everyday the man will hear one tramp saying a number to the other, who will fall about laughing. Eventually, his curiosity overcomes his wariness and he approaches the tramps one morning.

    "Everytime I walk past you, you only seem to say numbers to each other but find it hilarious. What's the deal?" says the man.

    One of the tramps responds, "Well, we've sat on this bench for years, and we've told each other every joke under the sun so many times. Now we just give them numbers, and we can remember the joke from the number."

    "That's amazing", says the man. "Can I try?"

    "Sure", says the second tramp. "Make it a good one."

    "Okay then", says the man, "43!".

    Silence. Stony faces. Not a hint of laughter.

    "What was wrong with that?", says the man. "Wasn't 43 a funny one?"

    "The joke was okay", says the first tramp...














    "...it was just the way you told it."
  • The next day the man hears one of the tramps say 86.

    The other rolls around so long, and so hard, that the man says 'What is that a really funny one then'

    No says the tramp... he just hasn't heard it before
  • "Okay", says the man, "let me try again. 152,749!"

    This time, both tramps fall of the bench, screaming hysterically, crying with laughter.

    When they finally calm down, the man asks, "Was that a good one then?".

    "Brilliant!", says the second tramp, "We've never heard that one before!"
  • A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

    The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be a Surveyor " said the balloonist.

    "I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"

    "Well", answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly you have not been much help at all. If anything you have delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded "You must be in management".

    "I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"

    "Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow it is my fault."


    (I was a surveyor - now I'm management. Does this make me really bad?)
  • Dammit Pat!

    (86 is such an old joke - how could they not have heard that before?)
  • Original post said 'For example, if all you want to do is talk about yourself'.

    Surely that it part of the point of these forums! e.g. 'I am getting blisters', 'I did my first 5k today'.
  • And following on from my comment above, examples of what chrslmb has posted.

    'I did the half marathon in 1996 and it was a terrific event.'

    'I'm a middle aged ten minute miler of increasing girth'
  • CHSLMB
    seems to have been very quiet. If you look at the tread he was 'championing' you'd wonder why he bothered. I am tempted to suggest a mass hi-jacking of it.
  • I wish I could increase my girth...












    It's a walk BTW.
  • A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

    The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

    The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

    The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

    The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

    The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

    The bartender says, "You are now. That was a .....






    barbitchyouate."
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