Comedy Effluent

1333436383942

Comments

  • On my day off this week I went to do a bit of Christmas shopping with my friend, we were doing really well but after lunch she started to feel a bit odd and realised she was probably going to have one of her epileptic seizures, she's been having them since she was quite young so wasn't too concerned but she didn't want a lot of people standing round gawking. As we were in a clothes shop looking at party frocks she asked one of the assistants if they had somewhere private she could go because she could feel this seizure coming on. 

    They said it was no problem, she could use one of their fitting rooms.

  • A man was in a terrible road accident and woke up in hospital 3 weeks later.  The doc told him that he had come through remarkably unscathed, apart from the coma and the irreperable damage to his willy.  "But" said the doc "we have a new procedure that will replace your willy with a fully working prosthetic.  The only thing is that it costs £1000 per inch.  I can tell you that you have been awarded £9000 compensation from the driver who hit you so you could spend it on a new willy.  The only question is how long you want it and I recommend discussing it with your wife.  If she is used to 7 inches but you only choose 5 then she may be disappointed.  If you used to have 5 inches but go for 9 then she may find it uncomfortable."

        

    The chap agrees to discuss it with his wife and talks to the doc a couple of days later.

       

    "So" says the doc "have you and your wife decided what you're going to have?"

       

     "Yes" says the man "we're having a new kitchen".

  • I laughed, we're getting a new kitchen in the new year image

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


    A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
    The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
    'A beer please, and one for the road.'


    'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
    'Is it common ?'
    'Well, It's Not Unusual.'


    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
    'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
    'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


    An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


    What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
    A fsh.


    Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'



    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
    It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
    'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
    The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
    Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

  • What language does Santa Claus speak?
    North Polish.

    Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
    The North Pool.

    What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
    A Holly Davidson.

    What is Santa Claus' favorite cereal?
    Frosted Flakes.

    What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
    Sandy Claus.

    How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
    On an icicle built for two.

    Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.

    What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering
    presents?
    Santa Pause!

    Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
    Because it soots him.

    If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
    A subordinate Claus.

    What would Santa's grandfather be called?
    Grandfather Claus.

    What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    Claustrophobia!

    Why does Santa have three gardens?
    So he can ho, ho, ho.

    How many chimneys does Santa go down?
    Stacks.

    When Santa has a barn dance, what does he call it?
    A Ho, Ho, Ho Down.

  • What hides in the bakers at Christmas?
  • Why is Christmas just like another day in the office?
  • I don't know, why is Christmas just like another day in the office?
  • Because you do all the hard work and some big fat bloke gets all the credit
  • oh.. oh dear..

    well, Doctor Who's gonna be on image

  • Talking of spies,Ivan Punitski code name Rudolph the the red is on holiday with his wife.While in their hotel room mrs P looks out the window and remarks that she thinks it is snowing and they will be able to go skiing.Her husband takes a look and says that it is raining.She has another look and tells him he,s wrong,and he should have another look.He  replies that he doesn,t have to because

    he,s Rudolph the red and Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

  • That is worse than mine image how about - why did the lobster blush?
  • Don,t know

    why did the lobster blush.

  • Because the sea weed (I'll get my coat)
  • As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

    (apologies to all females out there....)

  • Time for some New Year silliness I think:

    To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

    As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
    in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
    that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
                       Remember:
                        Water = Poo,
                        Wine = Health.
    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

    than to drink water and be full of shit
    .

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service image

  • After monthes of seing doctors and specialists the poor lad got the verdict.

    He was told that the cause of his constant headaches started with his testicles pressing the base of his spine. The only cure for the pain was the removal of the testes, so because he had suffered the pain for many years he was prepared to do anything to relieve the pain and went ahead with the opperation.

    After the opp he was pain free so decided to build a new life for himself. He visited a tailor to buy himself a new suit. The sales assistant on hearing his request sais he thought the jacket would be 44 regular. "How did you know that?"  he enquired. The shop man said he had been doing this job for thirty two years and could measure people with his eye as soon as they walked in the door. "For instance you will want trousers 44 waist with an inside leg of thirty" The customer thought that this was amazing and then thought he would have a shirt as well. "16 inch collar" said the man behind the counter and again he was correct. "Just experience sir!" said the man and asked if underwear was required as well."Two pair of underpants please" said the customer. "They wil be size 44" said the tailor. "Oh no" said the customer, "I have you there I only take size 32 underpants."   "Are you sure" asked the salesman and the customer assured him that he had worn size 32 from being eighteen years old.

    This time it was the salesmans turn to be flaberghasted. "I would have thought sir that size 32  would have pressed your testicles onto the base of your spine and given you awful headaches"  

  • image image

    A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.

     As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

    It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

    The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

    He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

    Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

    The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

    Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses.

    After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

    One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

    The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as repayment for her deed.

    She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

    A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

    "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

    "No" said the farmer "who?"

    .

    .

    .

    "That was Thora Hird."

  • There was a band in the 60s called "The Grateful Dead".

    Their fans were known as "Dead Heads"

    So, if you are a fan of Iron Maiden, are you a "Maiden Head"?

    If you are a fan of Radiohead, are you a "Radio Head", or a "Head Head"?

    A fan of Black Sabbath - a "Black Head"

    And clearly fans of Cliff Richard are "D1ck Heads".....

  • A lady was at the doctor's with a baby.

    she told the doctor that the baby was losing weight and had been doing so for six weeks and so wanted to know what the problem was.

    The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed and was told he was breast fed

    The doctor then asked the lady to go behind the screen and strip of to the waist.

    This was done. the doctor then began squeezing the ladies breasts and tweeking the nipples and after repeating this process three times announced thet there was no milk there to nourish the child.

    This is no surprise to me said the lady.

    I am the childs grandmother

  • General de Gaulle and his wife were at a state banquet in Paris also attended by the British Prime Minister, Harold MacMillan and his wife.

    MacMillan asked Madame de Gaulle, "What are your hopes and wishes for the future?"

    "A penis", she replied, without blinking an eye

    The General leaned over and said "I think the word is pronounced happiness"....

  • A young girl was travelling in an aeroplane. She was reading

     a book when the man next to her asked if she would like to have a conversation as he had heard it made the time go quicker.

     The girl slowly put down the book and asked him if he had any particular subject in mind for his conversation.

    He asked if talking about nuclear physics would be acceptable ant the girl said it would, but first of all could he answer her a question that puzzled her.

    He said he would try so the girl began by saying that a deer and a horse and a cow all eat grass, to which he agreed.

    she then said that when a deer excretes it passed pellets. when a cow excretes it does a large pat and when a horse excretes it passes round balls of poo so did he know why their excrement was all different when they all ate grass.

    The man said that he had never thought about this and could not give an explinaton to this conundrum.

    "In that case" said the girl." how can you talk a about nuclear physics when you don't know shit"

    How was that for waste material

  • Lol! Also nice cow joke!image

    What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?

    Cows survive the branding.

  • A man was heard crying in a cemetary. " Why did you have to die! Why ,oh why, why did you have to die" he was repeating over and over.

    A passer by took pity on him and askedif it was his wife or mother. "Obviously it was someone close," said the passer by.

    "Not realy close" said the man "It was my wifes first husband"

  • image image

    4 blokes go on a hunting trip.

    Their tents only have room for two men in each.

    No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

    They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
    The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
    His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
    He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
    The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

    The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
    His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
    He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
    The third night was Frank's turn.

    Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

    The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
    'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
    His mates can't believe it.

    They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
    Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

    Then he sat up and watched me all night.

Sign In or Register to comment.