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Comedy Effluent
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I hear that sales of Fosters have dropped sharply in Aus following the fires ...................... well you wouldn't want a warm beer wouldya.
soz
Paddy and Bridgette were making love in the back of Paddy's old van. Bridgette was getting more and more excited and the old van was rocking like mad. She was shouting "whip me Paddy, Ohhh for Gods sake whip me."
Paddy searched around but could not find anything to use for a whip so reached out of the window and tore the arial from the van and began lashing her with that.
A week Later Bridgette was at the doctors with festering sores on her buttocks where the arial had bitten in.
The doctor said that she would have to stop making love to Paddy as it was the worst case of "van arial" dissease he had ever seen
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one". (For G)
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. (He He)
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I
entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a
jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass
me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot",
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches,
for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Lol Nick ... they're brilliant!
Which reminds me ...
I went to the paper shop today - it had blown away.
So I went to buy some camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.
I did buy some HP sauce though. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
So I'm at home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
I went back to the Doctors again the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
I was in the attic the other day with the husband. Damp and dusty.........but he's great with the kids!
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
small...
I had a similar dream....dreamt I was eating a pillow...and when I woke up my giant marshmallow had gone!
After waking up in the morning, a woman tells her husband, "I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," the husband says with a smile.
The woman can hardly think of anything else all day, and she waits in anticipation for her husband to come home.
That evening, the man walks through the door carrying a small package.
Elated, the wife tears into the wrapping . . . and uncovers a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".
A guy was driving a car when he saw a police car in his mirror. He immediately began to go faster so the police car lit up the blues and gave chase.
After about thirty miles of reckless speeds the guy stopped so the policeman approached him and said "Did you not see my blue lights following you.
"I did" said the man. "To tell you the truth when I saw you in my mirror I just panicked."
"Why would you panic at the sight of a police car?" was the question.
"Well" said the guy. "I have to be honest with you. Six months ago my wife ran away with a policeman and I thought it was him bringing the bugger back."
Oh yes
To Nick and to Small
You just have to read those out loud with a Tommy Cooper accent.
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and weep
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr.
"I was asked 'If you could have sex with anyone living or dead, who would you choose?'"
"I said 'Anyone Living'"
She was standing in the kitchen Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen tabl e.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
"I'm sorry", said the priest, but "we don't do that sort of thing. Try taking him to the protestants."
"Do you think they'll do the job for £500?", said the man.
"Why didn't you tell me that the dog is a catholic!" exclaimed the priest.
Unfortunately two Jehova Witnesses were involved in a serious accident, so serious in fact that they both passed away.
So together they made the trip to the pearly gates and as they aproached they were spotted by one of the saints who informed St Peter.
"Peter" he said. "There are two Jehova Witnesses coming to the frond door."
"Oh no. said St Peter. "Lets just pretend there is nobody in."
Paddy asks Murphy " why do scuba divers fall off boats backwards " .
Murphy replies " you thick ejut - if they fell forwards they would still be on the f*****g boat
A tramp was walking down the road when he found a brown paper parcel. He opened it up and inside was a Salvation Army uniform. He tried it on and it fitted perfectley. He was even more pleased when in the pocket he found a ten pound note.
He bought himself a couple of burgers and went into the pub across the road and bought a pint of bitter. He placed the uniform cap on the bar while he was drinking his pint and people began to put money into the cap. He could not believe his luck so when he finished his pint he decided that he was going to try his luck in the next pub.
He supped up, put the money from the hat into his pocket and began to leave when the barman said "What about a War Cry."
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"GERONIMO." Shouted the tramp
A prostitute is doing her tax returns , she puts prostitution as her main income . the tax advisor says you cant put that down its illegal - ok she replies put down chicken farmer - the tax man says how do you make that out , well she says i raised over a thousand c*cks last year .
boom boom
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
A guy went into a pub with an ostrich and a cat
He ordered a pint of bitter for himself a larger for the ostrich and a snowball for the cat.
When they had finished the ostrich got the next round in. Then the man, then the ostrich and so it went on. the cat never bought a drink.
After a while the berman asked the man why the cat never paid for a drink.
"It's the geni's fault." said the man. "After I rubbed the lamp I told him I wanted a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
I went into Waterstone's the other day.
There was a sign - "1/3rd Off All Titles"
I bought "The Lion, The Witch"
My doctor told me that he was pleased that I was a regular runner.
It meant that I would be a lot healthier when I died.
And theres more :
2 men are on opposite sides of the world but are thinking exactly the same thing ;
the first is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers and the other is getting a B.J. from a 85 year old woman
what are they thinking ?
Dont look down , dont look down , dont look down
two women were in the doctors waiting room discussing their complaints when the first woman confessed to wanting a baby more than anything else in the world.
Her friend said that she had been in the same boat two years ago and had finaly consulted a faith healer.
The first lady said that she and her husband had been going to one for the last twelve months without any results.
"Go on your own next time" was the reply
boing
a couple of newly weds move to a new village and decide a good way to get to know a few people would be to join the local church congregation, so off they go to meet the vicar. The old rev is happy to meet them, but explains that in order to become one of his flock the newly weds are to refrain from any pleasures of the flesh for a month.A month passes and the couple go to see the vicar "and how did you get on my children? did you manage to refrain from sex?"
"well" says the young fella "we were doing really well until last night, when i saw my wife bent over the freezer and my urges got the better of me, we stripped naked and had hard passionate sex there and then"
"then im sorry" says the vicar "but you are banned from this church!!"
"sod the church" says the young guy "we're banned from Tescos Too!!!"
thanks, im here all week.
The guy driving hit a badger in the road so they stopped to see if it was dead but it was just stunned
The guy says to his wife
"look just stick between your legs to warm it up"
wife says "but it's wet and smelly
Husband says"Well hold the Badgers nose then"
LOL , LIKE THEM
even the o/h is giggling ,
GRAFFITTI ON A WALL
Men who live in Reykjavic on average have the biggest penises in the world
to which someone added
thats why mums go to iceland
How do you know when you passed an elephant? ....
......
.....
You can't get the toilet seat down
HAR HAR