Comedy Effluent

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  • Did you hear the one about the Irish abortion clinic.

    It had a twelve month waiting list.

    Or the one about the dislexic pimp'

    He bought a warehouse.

  •  LETS TEST THE WAY TOU THINK

     *********

    thepenisinhermouth

     **********

     ***********

    did you read  the pen is in her mouth ?

     *************

    nah  me neither 

  • Did you know there is no B&Q in Sheffield?


    It's true, there's only two F's

  • There is no B&Q in Chorley.

    But when you go its allways bloody full

  • Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:
    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    ************ ********* *****
     
     In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."
    ************ ********* *****
    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    ************ ********* *****
    On a Plumber's  truck:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."
    ************ ********* *****
    On another Plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
    ************ ********* *****
    At a Tyre Store
    "Invite us to your next blowout."
    ************ ********* *****
    On an Electrician' s truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."
    ************ ********* *****
    In a Non-smoking Area:
    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    ************ ********* *****
    On a Maternity Room door:
    "Push. Push. Push."
    ************ ********* *****
    At an Optometrist' s Office:
    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
    ************ ********* *****
    On a Taxidermist' s window:
    "We really know our stuff."
    ************ ********* *****
    On a Fence:
    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
    ************ ********* *****
    Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
    ************ ********* *****
    In a Vets waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
    ************ ********* *****
    In a Restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
    ************ ********* *****
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
    ************ ********* *****
    RADIATOR SHOP:
    "Best place in town to take a leak."
    ************ ********* *
    Sign on the back of yet another
    Septic Tank Truck: 
    "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

  • What's got six eyes and can't see?

    Three blind mice

  • A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

    and at the appropriate point in the process,

    she told him that he would now need to enter a password.

    Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

    The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured

    he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his

    wife's attention.

    So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

    he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

    P...

    E..

    N...

    I...

    S.
    ..

    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

    PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH
    ...

  • Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's bar  and the stakes were getting high. Mick O'Loughlin lost £500 00 on a single handwhen he clutched at his heart and dropped down dead.

    Noneplussed the other five kept playing until Shaun said. Oh Jazus someone will hve to go and tell Mick's wife but hey will have to be discreet.

    Sure Oil Go said Finnegan oi am da sole of dicretion.Itt'l be grand dont be wooryin.

    So off he goes and knocks on O'Loughlins door "Mrs O'Loughlin" Sez he. Oy have the bad news fer yez, Your Mick has lost £500 00 playin poker and is afraid to come home.

    Tell him she said  that he can drop dead.

    I will for sure said finnegan.  

  •  Man kneeling by bed,

    Wife says "What are you praying for?"

    Husband says "Guidance"

    Wife says "Pray for stiffness and i'll bloody guide it myself!".

  • Little boy was telling his dad. mummy nearly died today.

    what era you talking about muumy nearly died said daddy

    well I got home early from schooll 'cause the boiler was bust and they sent us home. Mummy was lying on  the bed screaming.

    what do you meen screeming said daddy

    She was shouting oh God God I'm, coming  If the window cleaner hadn't been holding her down she would have gone for sure 

  • my typo's are funnier than the joke
  •  A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor - and says " im not well , i feel so tired .   so the doctor tears a piece off and said i will send it for testing , if you come back in a fortnight .  so when the bag went back doctor says its bad news im afraid - you have aids . the bag replies - what  , how the hell can that be  im only a little brown paper bag . the doc says well one of your parents must have been a carrier

      

  • You invented Tippex. Correct me if I'm wrong.
  • A professor at The University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "involuntary Muscular Contractions"  to his first year medical students.

    Realising that this was not the most riveting of subjects the professor decided to lighten the mood.

    He pionted to a young woman in the front row and asked. "Do you know what your arsehole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

    She replied. "Probably drinking beer with his mates."

    It took 15 minutes to restore order to the classroom.

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭

    I was at the checkout queue in Tesco today, and behind me were a young couple who each had an identical barcode tattoo.

    They told me they were an item.

  • How can you tell when your mother's on?

    Your father's c#ck tastes alful.

  • A professor at the "University of Sydney" was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students.

    Realising that this was not the most riveting of subjecs the professor decided to lighten the mood.

    He pointed to a young woman sitting in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

    She replied, "Probably drinking beer with his mates!"

    It took 15 minutes to restore order to the classroom.

  • Did he give the same lecture twice ...?

    image

  • Tesco have installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample will diagnose any condition . Jim went with a sore elbow - so he paid his money and poured his sample in and after 2 mins the machine gave a printout - it read  you have tennis elbow , soak in warm water and avoid heavy lifting work for two weeks .  Wow jim thought - thats brilliant , on his way home he wondered if he could fool the machine so when he got home he mixed tapwater , dog sh** , urine samples from his daughter and wife and then w***ed into the mixture .    Then he headed back to the machine where he paid his money and poured in the sample - after a few minutes the machine spluttered the printout - it read    

    1 ) your tap water is to hard  , use a water softener

    2)  your dog has ringworm , give it antibiotics

    3) your daughter is on cocaine get her into rehab

    4) your wifes pregnant , expecting twins - not yours get a lawyer

    5) if you keep w***ing your tennis elbow wont get better

    THANKYOU FOR SHOPPING AT TESCO 

      

  • Lol!

    Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said:

     "DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"


    As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!' Then from the curve they heard the sound of screeching tyres and a big splash.
    Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?

  • I'm  going senile. Don't worry Small I will try not to do it a third time
  • I'll let you off ... which coincidentally is what happened to the boy that stole some fireworks.

    The boy that stole the batteries was later charged ....

  •  A doctor phones the husband of a patient and explains " your wife is here with me now , im afraid there has been a mix up with her test results and we arent sure  if she has alzheimers or aids . what the hell am i supposed  to do then doc the man replies , well i have an idea the doc says--  we will put her on the wrong bus home , if she finds her way back for gods sake whatever you do dont  f*** her . 
  • Paddy goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
    "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
    Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the Paddy's arse, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks Paddy.
    The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
    "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
    The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "theres 1,990 pounds exactly."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

  • Heaven is where the British are policemen, the French are the cooks, the Swiss are the administrators, the Italians are the lovers and the Germans are the engineers.

     Hell is where the British are the cooks, the French are the engineers, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the administrators and the Germans are the policemen.

  • M.ister WM.ister W ✭✭✭

    Don't you just love a joke with outdated stereotypes............. remind me where the best restaurant in the world is???

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