A Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as one does) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as one would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Tummy Banana before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willusk now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
After extensive consultations with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, PETA and Greenpeace, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has announced that legislation will be introduced that will ban battery chickens.
In future, all chickens will have to be solar or wind powered.
Phil the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Phil kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Phil could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Farmer Phil's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Phil noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Phil went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Phil amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one..
Phil was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Staffordshire County Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention..
An Irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience in shoeing horses. He said no but that he had once told a donkey to f*ck off
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Managing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The MD said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the MD........... "I need two copies."
Superman was flying around when he saw wonderwoman writhing naked and in total ecstasy. He couldn't help himself so he flew right down and in and that's how the invisible man ended up in hospital
A doctor in Dublin who ran his own clinic decided to have a day off to go fishing and called his assistant to put him in the picture. "Look Aftur du place till oi git meself back Murphy" he said.
When he came back he said "Now Murphy lad How did tings go."
"O.K. Dactor!" said Murphy. "Me forst patient had the headache, so I gave him some asprin." said Murphy."
"Well done lad." said the doctor.
"Me next patient had the bellyache" said Murphy. "So I gave him some gaviscon."
"Well done lad" said the doctor." Oi can See yer Gettin good at dis."
" Afthur dat it went a bit Quoiot loik. " Said Murphy. "Den the dor borst open and dis lovely young girl flew in. She trew all of her clothes. off even he knickers and bra and wos shoutin help me doctor you have to help me. oive niver seen a man in five years and climbed onto the bed."
"Thunderin Lard Murphy, What did ya do." Said the doctor.
"Oi did the only ting oi could do" said Murphy. Oi put some drops in her oeyes."
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
I nicked it from Angelos Epithemious who was performing at our local comedy club last night Very funny chap. Haven't been watching Shooting Stars so didn't really know what to expect.
Comments
Spain I believe: http://www.theworlds50best.com/module/acms_pastLists?group_id=2
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as one does) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as one would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Tummy Banana before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willusk now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen.'
It was a hot saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
"Come on in!", Peggy Sue's mother said as she opened the door to Fred. "I'll get you a drink".
She gets him a lemonade and says, "So what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"
Fred says, "Oh probably catch a movie and then grab a bit to eat, take a walk on the beach maybe".
The mom informs him, "Peggy likes to screw, you know".
"Really?" says Fred, shocked.
"Oh yes when she goes out with her friends, it's all they do! She'd screw all night if we let her!".
"Well thanks for the tip" said Fred, as he thinks about alternative plans for the evening.
Peggy Sue comes down the stairs looking pretty as a picture in a hoop skirt and pink blouse.
Mom calls out, "Have fun, you kids!"
Half an hour later a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slams the door.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she yells to her mother in the kitchen. "The dance is called The Twist!"
Latest news from DEFRA...
After extensive consultations with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, PETA and Greenpeace, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has announced that legislation will be introduced that will ban battery chickens.
In future, all chickens will have to be solar or wind powered.
twenty years ago it was said that if a black man were to become the president of the united states of america then pigs would fly.
one hundred days after Mr Obama was elected as president.
Guess what????????
SWINE FLUE !!!!!!!
Phil the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Phil kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Phil could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Farmer Phil's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Phil noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Phil went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Phil amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one..
Phil was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Staffordshire County Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention..
Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Managing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The MD said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the MD........... "I need two copies."
The invisible ban got married to the invisible woman.
They had two children, neither of which was much to look at.
Superman was flying around when he saw wonderwoman writhing naked and in total ecstasy. He couldn't help himself so he flew right down and in and that's how the invisible man ended up in hospital
A motor vehicle mechanic went into a bar carrying a set of jump leads.
The baman said to him "Don't you be starting anything."
A doctor in Dublin who ran his own clinic decided to have a day off to go fishing and called his assistant to put him in the picture. "Look Aftur du place till oi git meself back Murphy" he said.
When he came back he said "Now Murphy lad How did tings go."
"O.K. Dactor!" said Murphy. "Me forst patient had the headache, so I gave him some asprin." said Murphy."
"Well done lad." said the doctor.
"Me next patient had the bellyache" said Murphy. "So I gave him some gaviscon."
"Well done lad" said the doctor." Oi can See yer Gettin good at dis."
" Afthur dat it went a bit Quoiot loik. " Said Murphy. "Den the dor borst open and dis lovely young girl flew in. She trew all of her clothes. off even he knickers and bra and wos shoutin help me doctor you have to help me. oive niver seen a man in five years and climbed onto the bed."
"Thunderin Lard Murphy, What did ya do." Said the doctor.
"Oi did the only ting oi could do" said Murphy. Oi put some drops in her oeyes."
An Irishman was rejected by a dating agency.
In answere to the question, What do you like best in a woman? He answered.
"My dick!"
What it means to be british
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
a very innebriated man went into a nightclub and stared for a log while at the only woman seated at the bar.
Time passed and after a while he went over to her, put his hand up her skirt and began to fondle her.
"What the hell do you think you are doing" said the woman.
"Oh sorry" said the man "I thought you were my wife"
"You stupid drunken worthless insufferable asshole" said the woman. "clear off and leave me alone"
"'s funny" said the man. "You sound like her as well"
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ?
One's an Australian marsupial.....
the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift
LOL SCOTTY!!
I'm stealing ti and making it my own!
What disease did cured ham have.
How important does a person have to be to get assassinated rather than murdered.