Comedy Effluent

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  • I think I've told it to about 20 people now Scotty. image

    http://img6.travelblog.org/Photos/70236/285664/t/2423621-Kangaroo-with-Attitude-0.jpg

  • If Moths are attracted to the light, how come they don't come out in the daytime ?
  • Why is a turd tapered at the end ?

    So your arse does'nt shut with bang

  • I have'nt spoken to my wife for 18 months , i don't like to interrupt her.
  • Tributes have been flooding in after the very sad death of Stephen Gately from BoyZone.

    Ronan Keating said "I'm gutted", Louis Walsh said he was devastated, and Michael Barrymore simply pleaded his innocence.

  • Heard this the other day:

    Forest Gump says "Life is like a box of chocolates you just don't know what you'll get next"

    I say "Life is like a sex, stray to far and you're in the shit.....

  • My front door is made of foam rubber  - you can't knock it

    Black Beauty - he was a dark horse

    You invented tipex - correct me if I'm wrong

    My grandfather was a clown in Billy Smart's circus,when he died all is friends came to the funeral in the same car.

  • A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
    At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
    When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

    If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

  • I went into my butchers this lunch time and while pointing up to the top shelf I said 'I bet you cant reach that meat there' he shook his head and said 'No thanks, the stakes are too high!'

    So I went to the bakers and got a crusty roll.

  • Wondered how long it would be before the Stephen gately jokes started. You're a very bad man daz1927. Anyway...

    Stephen Gately's death may have been as a result of a boxing injury.......

    the coroner's report stated he had recently taken a pounding in the ring!

    He actually died after going on a bender!

  • Stephen Gately's rectal area was apparently covered in chocolate.

    Someone said it it was not a mess it was just a careless whisper. 

  • 3 word joke…

    Stationery store moves.
  • DustinDustin ✭✭✭

    whats pink and goes round and round and round ?

    stephen gatelys suitecase at gatwick airport

  • And if we're doing sick dead celebrity jokes......

    What's black and white and dead all over?

  • 5 year old boy keeps nagging his dad to let him have a tv in his bedroom. Finally dad gives in and the lad goes off to his room. After half an hour he comes back and says to his dad "daddy, what is love juice"

    Dad thinks "oh no, I knew it would come to this" but does the decent thing and sits down with the boy and explains everything to him. When he is finished he says to his son "just out of interest what exactly were you watching?"

    The boy replies "...............Wimbledon"

  • The worst disaster in Irish aviation history happened overnight when a 2 seater Cessna crashed into a cemetry. So far 150 bodies have been recovered but more are expected as digging continues through the day.
  • oiyouoiyou ✭✭✭

    A theoretical physicist was stopped doing 45 in a 30mph zone.

    Bobby says "Do you know what your speed was, sir?"

    "No," says the physicist, "but I knew exactly where I was"

  • A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
  • BB ✭✭✭
    *groan* I hope you are better at DIY than jokes M.r Wimage
  • A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.  There was a baby badger lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.  It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.  Can we take it home with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

    He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

    "Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.

    He says, "Put it between your legs.  It's nice and warm there."

    Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"

    He replies, "Just hold his little nose."

  • teehee

    how do you make a dog drink??

    put him in a blender

  • What's orange and sounds like a parrot?









    A carrot.
  • A cabbie picks up a Nun.

    She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
    Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies:
    "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers,
    "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
    And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
    Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
    Say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds,
    "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
    To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says,
    "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
    Make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
    I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK.
    My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
  • JWrunJWrun ✭✭✭
    image HAHAHAHAHA TOMMY!
  • The Samaritans have relocated their call centre to Pakistan. My mate was feeling down, so he rang them and said he was suicidal. They asked if he could drive a truck.
  • The Indian government was looking for a way to boost tourism, when the Minister of Sport decided that they should hold a sporting carnival, with the big finale being a marathon.
    To keep up interest in the event they decided they wanted something different, so they decided to limit the marathon field to 500 entries, and was only to be for eunuchs.
    The race was to be called - The Indian Knackerless 500.
  • A man was very short of money, in fact he was in dire straits and so desperate to get his hands on some money he evolved a plan.

    He took out a large insurance on his wife's life and then tried to get the services of a hit man to do her in.

    He proceded and made the aquaintance of a hit man who called himself "Artie" as he prided himself on doing his victims in artisticly.

    "Artie" said he would charge three thousand pounds to do the job but wanted some money up front..

    The man turned out his pockets but the only money he could raise was one pound, the poor sod was absolutely skint but pleaded with "Artie" to do it and said he would pay him in full as soon as the insurance money came through.

    Reluctantley "Artie" agreed and so followed  his intended victim into Tesco's an thinking it very quiet in the vegitable isle promptly choked her.

    Unfortunately the store manager saw him so "Artie" jumped un the manager and choked him as well.

    Unknown to "Atrie" the whole thing was captured on CCTV and when he was arrested he confessed to the whole misserable misadventure.

    The next day the newspapers proclaimed.

     "ARTIE" CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND IN TESCO'S

  • Lol, some good ones there.  Lets see if this matches up:

    Three mice are in a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.  The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am".  I spot a trap and go for the cheese.  When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outta there!" and he tosses down another shot.

    The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?  When I find a pile of poison, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine."  With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

    The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

    He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door.  His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

    The third mouse says, I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat".

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