man walks in to a bar with a crocodile, and says to the barman "do you serve children ?" The bar man says "Yes", so the man says "a pint of bitter for me, and 2 children for the croc"
bear walks into a bar... says "I'll have a pint.......................................................................................................................................................................................of fosters please.
a rabbit walked into a butchers shop: "excuse me mate, have you got any carrots please?" butcher: "no, sorry, we only sell meat...try a greengrocer" rabbit: "ok"..hops out.
hops back in a few minutes later: "excuse me, have you got any carrots please?" butcher "didn't I just tell you a moment ago, no, we only sell meat...hop it!" Rabbit: "oh"..looks dejected and hops out.
a few minutes later, the rabbit hops back in: "excuse me, have you got any carrots please?" Butcher: "look, I've told you twice, we don't sell carrots, only meat. If you come back in here again, I'll nail your ears to the floor!" Rabbit: "oh! ok." hops sadly off.
After a minute or so, the rabbit hops back in: "Excuse me, mate, have you go any nails?" Butcher "NO!" Rabbit "have you got any carrots then?"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
So, this guys wife is 6 months pregnant, and has the usual weird food cravings. One evening, she tell her husband that she fancies some snails. So, off the faithful husband goes, clutching a jar to collect the snails in. After about and hour of walking round the neighborhood, he's got a jar full of snails, but spots the pub, and thinks "I'll just nip in for a swift half". Needless to say, the swift half turns into a swift pint, his mates turn up, and it turns into a major session. Anyway, some hours later, they've been booted out of the club they went on to, and faithful husband is wending his way home, just as the sun is coming up. Staggering up his drive, he trips, drops and smashes the jar of snails that he so carefully collected and hung onto. The noise wakes up the wife, who leans out of the window: "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" Quick thinking husband makes shooing motions with his hands at the snails all around his feet "C'mon lads, hurry up!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
... A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?" "No" says the customer "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed." So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? . . . . Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.
Comments
Keep it going!!!!
"Pint please, and one for the road."
"You idiot, I ordered on Omelette!"
<bell sounds in the distance as a tumbleweed rolls by>
You may need to speak German to get that one. Sorry.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Ouch.
You'll just have to be a little patient.
If you click on the box there is a little fat buddah!!!
"pint please mate"
"why the long face?"
"I'd like a crocodile sandwich please. And make it snappy"
Barman: Why the long paws?
His mate says "OK then, nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", then the first chap says "Moo",
his mate says "You're closest".
http://www.thesite.org/magazine/pullometer.html
"excuse me mate, have you got any carrots please?"
butcher: "no, sorry, we only sell meat...try a greengrocer"
rabbit: "ok"..hops out.
hops back in a few minutes later:
"excuse me, have you got any carrots please?"
butcher "didn't I just tell you a moment ago, no, we only sell meat...hop it!"
Rabbit: "oh"..looks dejected and hops out.
a few minutes later, the rabbit hops back in:
"excuse me, have you got any carrots please?"
Butcher: "look, I've told you twice, we don't sell carrots, only meat. If you come back in here again, I'll nail your ears to the floor!"
Rabbit: "oh! ok." hops sadly off.
After a minute or so, the rabbit hops back in:
"Excuse me, mate, have you go any nails?"
Butcher "NO!"
Rabbit "have you got any carrots then?"
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
barman says "you've just had oral sex haven't you"
guy says "how can you tell?? have I got pubic hair in my teeth"
barman says "no, you've got some sh*t on the end of your nose"
[....wanders out grabbing hat on the way.........]
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
grill it til its bill whithers.
After about and hour of walking round the neighborhood, he's got a jar full of snails, but spots the pub, and thinks "I'll just nip in for a swift half". Needless to say, the swift half turns into a swift pint, his mates turn up, and it turns into a major session.
Anyway, some hours later, they've been booted out of the club they went on to, and faithful husband is wending his way home, just as the sun is coming up. Staggering up his drive, he trips, drops and smashes the jar of snails that he so carefully collected and hung onto. The noise wakes up the wife, who leans out of the window:
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"
Quick thinking husband makes shooing motions with his hands at the snails all around his feet "C'mon lads, hurry up!"
Doctor: I know your problem - you're two tents.
(Too tense - geddit? Oh please yourselves...)
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
.
.
.
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Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.