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You're right, it is a bummer all the crap that's being thrown at you. Pooh. I'm not surprised you were sad yesterday. I'm glad you got to spend some of it sleeping. I'm a really bad sleeper and I always think of sleep as a gift. It's very good for you now.
I'll keep my fingers crossed about the fertility thing. I think it's a good attitude (yet another good attitude you've got Cath) to hope for the best. I know several people who had chemo, were supposed to be infertile and then conceived easily, and I know others who are fit and healthy but just can't have a baby. It's also important to remember that having ones own children isn't an absolutely vital part of a happy, fulfilled life - there are many ways to have children in your life, and conversely there are many advantages to a life less involved with sprogs ! And this isn't something you have to deal with now.
Hope this afternoon isn't too horrendous. I'll be thinking of you. You often come into my thoughts and I send you positive vibes and pray a bit (in a kind of lapsed Catholic sort of way !)
Talk to you later.
Thinking of you too Redhead, hope life doesn't seem quite as difficult today...
Caz -- we have already been told that because I'm young, the saving eggs isn't really an option because to do that the surgeon would have to stimulate the ovary with oestrogen and in my case (younger women) the cancer is usually oestrogen sensitive so if any cells were left - it would be like christmas and birthday rolled into one. The freezing and saving of the ovary again is experimental and I'm not keen on the idea to be honest - plus both these treatments would mean having to put the chemo off for at least 2 months which the Docs don't seem to be keen to do. I think they were worried about how aggressive this tumour was (grade 3 remember - which means it has high potential to spread rapidly) and so they want to get it zapped straight away.
Wicked Witch -- aww thanks. It wasn't so hard really to write about it seems to make it easier to think about. I've come to think of this as kind of an online ranting diary
Lots of love
I don't think I have spirit or am being brave. The night sister I used to work with emailed me and said I was being brave but it doesn't feel like it. Some days I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water and staying afloat. I don't know, maybe I sound chirpier than I am but what I think doesn't change. You know the way I approach things because I know that even though I'll have my wallow-y days I'm not letting this thing beat me. It's just unfortunate I htink at the moment that hysically I can't do much so I suppose that makes me feel worse. I suppose once I start running again and being able to drive (read - go to the gym) I'll be alot more positive (like I was before my surgery) but at the moment I feel the pain and sometimes not alot else matters - just getting through the day without breaking is enough. So I don't think that's brave, it's just barely managing to get through. I think bravery is something also which you have a choice in... I was thinking about this yesterday when I was watching the tributes on TV especailly to the firemen who went into the WTC - that was bravery... knowing those buildings were in danger and yet, they still went in to try to rescue people. I doubt I would have done that... not given a choice anyway... I'd have been running up the street. Has anyone read John Diamond's book..? "C - because cowards get cancer too". Yeah, there are alot of things in that book I identify with. Anyway, lunchtime now I've ranted a bit more ...
well, Daisy did give me permission
Sorry to hear that you're both having a difficult time.
I hope you both recover fully very soon.
All the best,
RB
Got to go and pick up the au pair and then get the kids from school - and I've done very little of my presentation today. But I'm allowing myself a lazy day today and SHOCK HORROR I'm planning a run - the first one for a week - when I get back. I'll do the hill for you but I'm having the easy bits !!!
I know you'll probably still be at the hospital, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. Cath - just keep doing what you're doing sweetheart - cry when you want, rage when you want and laugh when you can. Every day is another day over with and closer to full health. The children thing - as has been said, children do not always equal happiness and fulfillment. You can get those from other things in life too! (We don't have children either..) - but I've got other children in my life, my nieces and nephew and all the kids in my drama class.. in fact, sometimes, I can't wait to be away from them all and get back to the peace and tranquility (pre-Siamese cats!!) in my house! Anyway, you know all this Cath, you are a very wise woman! Bloody unfair life this is sometimes..! I too was in tears most of yesterday, watching the tributes to 9/11. Anyway, much love Cath.. one day at a time love.
Michelle x
I've just found this thread, and wanted to wish you well.
Best Wishes
Jason L
Michelle x
If your dog is anything like ours then you've got all the child you'll ever need!
Amber (image in my picture) is like a surrogate child to us...well at least you'd think so the way we dote on her and the way she always seems to get her way - can't help but love her though!!!
Thinking of you and Susie loads...chin up!
DW
Hope today wasn't too unbearable,
Doobs
You are one amazing lady. I really admire your frankness on this Forum; it shows a lot of generosity of spirit at a tough, tough time.
John Diamond's book is very important, I think. Before then, a lot of the 'patient literature' was very upbeat; consequently, one could feel very unworthy whilst reading it. His willingness to tell the truth, and his eloquence in doing so, has cut some slack for all of us in this cancer nightmare.
I am very sorry about the difficulties about children. It's one I know all too well. My own way of dealing with it was to really concentrate on the idea that I am here for different reasons than having kids, which in my case is likely true. I hope, if and when you wish, you'll beat the odds on that one, so that having children - or not - is entirely a matter of choice.
Hair: mine grew back in absolute masses, but with a lot of grey (sorry!), and yes, a little more curly. But no big deal; hair dye has been invented, as have straightening irons, if I could be bothered.
Cath, we are all thinking of you. Take care,
DC
Hope today wasn't too bad for you. I find it really hard to know what to write because I am so awed by your positive attitude to what you are going through but I am thinking of you and praying for you all the time.
Fiona
I don't read the threads on the various forums on this website that often - not much time/opportunity at work and in the evenings the children tend to hog the internet. I've just caught up with this thread though and read all the messages. At the risk of being repetitious, I would just like to say that your positive attitude is inspirational.
Take care
I'm pleased you and the Mr have the strength to cope with the possibility that you may not be able to throw your genes up in the air and see what way they land. It's an important consideration in any relationship - if having children, rather than being together, is top of the agenda, problems are likely to arise when there are no children around any more. And when you do have children, the togetherness can be lost if you're not careful.
If your feelings change once your health and hair are back to their former glory, I'll bet there are lots of women on the forums and among your family and friends who would be only too happy to donate eggs! I would if I were younger, but at 38 my eggs are considered over the hill (and having two autistic kids probably makes me a bad bet genetically anyway).
I think "C" is a fantastic book - far better than the rather patronising, euphemistically phrased leaflets that we hand out to people. I think John Diamond was great - an irritatingly wisecracking and potentially quite stroppy character face to face, I suspect (never met him personally) but brave and unbullsh*tably intelligent and unselfconsciously honest in his writing. I so wanted him to live! We use parts of "C" in the medical school curriculum (confession - I'm an honorary academic during term-time). I prefer "Snake Oil", but then I would.
Blessings, V-rap.
Hope youre fast asleep xxx
day, All my love
Ruthxx
Fingers have been crossed and thoughts been sent to you constantly. I expect it was quite scarey talking to the chemo guy and you probably feel like hiding away today but I really hope you pop along sometime today, if not to post then to see how much love and support there is here for you on the forum.
Thinking of you and the Mr all the time.
Chins up
Love and hugs
Susie
Thanks to everyone who has sent me their good wishes too, it really means a lot.
Just want to say hello and hope that yesterday wasn't too horrible for you. Was thinking of you. xx.
Hi Susie - thinking of you too xx.
Michelle x
I've been really bad this morning and had some retail therapy rather than working. Hope you're not feeling too shelll-shocked after yesterday.
Be good to yourself - thinking of you
DD
Thinking of you again today. I hope you're doing ok and that you have a relaxing weekend.
Susie - all my best wishes to you too.
ww
x
Other good news to tell you is... went to see the chemo guy and things aren't as bad as predicted! In fact although we will be using a drug called EPIRUBICIN to start with which is quite aggressive, he expects me to cope with it very well and has said that I may be tired and possibly nauseous (the hair loss is a given) but other than that he doesn't think I'll be sick sick sick. Which as you can imagine, I'm really happy about. Obviously we'll have to take it as it comes but hopefully I should be able to go to work. I discussed this with the boss today and they're willing to let me work as much as I want to!! So what I'm going to do is ... take the first cycle off sick (next three weeks). So I'll know how it's affected me. Then I'll have my chemo on a Thursday and take Friday as holiday and possibly Monday if needed from the next week too - but other than that work all through the chemo with a break for christmas (along with everyone else) and also a 3 week break for radiotherapy in January. By which time the first series of chemo drugs will be finished, my hair should grow back and I should be starting the secod series without too much trouble!
So it's all good news I think. I just have to think positive and hopefully things will keep going my way until the treatment finishes, which is only right I feel seeing as I had so much bad luck to deal with to start with. I know it's not over and I know it isn't going to be easy but at least I'm not also facing 6 months of loneliness in the house too eh..?!!
You do make me chuckle "I just have to think positive" - I'm being to wonder whether you know what thinking negative is !! Have a great weekend, regards to Mr Cath.
Hope you have a good weekend too Redhead.
Well at last you've had some 'good' news sweetheart! It's great that you can still go to work. One of my friends I used to work with has got prostate cancer and has only had a couple of days sick over the whole period of his treatment! Do they know how long you'll have to have the chemo for? Or do they have to wait & see how things are after the first lot? (sorry, I'm not very medically minded!). Well, on the days that you are at home Cath - you know that us lot are here for you.. and, your dog will be pleased too!!! Lovely to hear from you Cath and glad that things went ok yesterday.. I, along with lots of others at RW, were thinking about you all day..!!! Take care love.
Michelle x
I was telling her about you, I said its funny that someone whom you don't know keeps popping in your head from time to time. You have been so open and honest about everything. I don't think I could have been, even the fact you are quite so positive. I know you must have your bad days too. It is terrifing for anyone to hear the big C word, but to face it head on takes some guts.
Glad your work have been so supportive too, that will make a difference being able to try and put a little normality in your life, and as you say you won't be faced with being stuck in the house. There is nothing worse than loneliness to bring on a bout of felling sorry for yourself.
Keep up the fighting spirit. Don't worry too much about the hair loss, my friends Mum has always wanted to be blonde so she has gone for a fantastic wig. I think it was a bit surreal for them wig shopping, but they are thinking of it only as a temporary measure. Anyway short hair is kind of hip at the moment.
Keep posting even if it is just to rant on the bad days, make it a form of therapy.
Be thinking of you.