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Fingers look like Bernard Matthews sausages which you can imagine, I'm none too chuffed about.
I hate this waiting, it's a bloody pain in the backside.
We are all rooting for you
I read an article in the Sunday Times a while ago about a lady (sorry, I'm having a mature moment and can't remember her name) who had been through what you did and she said that her fear of the cancer returning dominated her life and was actually worse than her original diagnosis. I know you'll identify with this.
Anyway, you know the waiting game drill - have a cry, have a rant, but most of all keep posting. We're with you all the way, whichever way this is heading.
Love and hugs
Susie
x
Yeah, the fear of the cancer returning is a real pain. It's not so bad most of the time. Last year when I finished treatment, the first couple of months I was still relatively physically sick really so it felt pretty okay but as I got better and better, I began to realise that all day and every day my thoughts were dominated by it and I ended up worrying about it ALL the time. It was a nightmare. I'd wake up in the morning and Mr would ask me what was wrong and I'd say something stupid like 'oh you know, usual' and then he'd go off on one and say something as equally stupid like 'when are you going to drop it, you've had the treatment and you've got through it and now you're better'.
It just became more and more clear that he didn't understand what the heck was happening to me psychologically. It was the same with all my family and friends. Most people could barely talk to me about the cancer and ask how I was, let alone whether I was worried. When I was diagnosed - at work I'd made it common knowledge right away so that it wouldn't become one of those 'Oh my god, have you heard' rumours. The idea was, if I told people openly, I didn't have to deal with everyone asking me all the time. Initially, it was great... people asked how I was and they could see basically I was washed out and tired (when I worked through the first bit).
But because I'd been off work from early December until May the following year with only the second part of treatment and had been so so ill... when I went back to work it was like a conspiracy of silence. No one talked about it. No one asked how I was. No one wanted to know, to deal with it. [cont'd]
And there I was... I was literally falling apart. Of course all those months of treatment, I'd ranted and raved and whinged and whined about how unfair it all was and had aimed for the magic deadline of 'finishing treatment' and although the nurses warned me that I still would find it hard, I just didn't get it... not right then anyway.
So last year I ended up obsessing over how I was convinced I was going to die. I couldn't move on. So I went to see the GP and as you guys know, my GP was a bloody star he really was. Anyway, he gave me Prozac... he reckoned that with the treatment it seemed fair that not only the trauma of it all but also the physical effects would cause a chemical imbalance in the brain and that's why I was so down. Personally, I think there was a degree of molly-coddling going on there but I wasn't about to argue... and I ended up taking the pills for 6 months. I'd agreed to the minimum only because I was sick and tired of taking drugs and medicines.
But even so... even with medication and even with counselling from the Mac nurse. I still couldn't get past the fear that it would come back. Like I said though... it was pretty bad for a while and then when life started picking up again it kind of took a back seat.... so much so that I guess I had kind of ignored the fact that I had ever had cancer.
I ignored it all... how I felt and what was physically happening. So in some ways now, I think 'well, if it is back, you only have yourself to blame for not being vigilant'. I'd tried to recapture that feeling of not worrying about it and not having to make demands upon myself due to the 'cancer watch' as I call it. SO last year, I only had 2 check ups, one liver scan and only 2 sets of bloods done. I was determined that my life would never again be ruled by hospitals and Doctors and Nurses.
Bloody mad really because I'd ended up ignoring the vague symptoms I've had now since September. I even had a check up in October and told the surgeon I was fine! I mentioned in passing 'I'm a bit tired' but other than that... I ignored it all.
I don't know who I was trying to kid. Let's just hope that Wednesday I get another chance to do things properly eh.
I feel for you and am hoping and praying (in my own way) that everything will be fine and that you are worrying about nothing at all.
What I do know - having watched you and your journey over the past couple of years - is that you will cope with whatever is in store for you.
I also know that you will get all the support and care you need from this forum - keep posting - anything, we all care.
xxxx
I think ive said this before
there ISNT a right or wrong way to deal with this
you did whatfelt right at the time for you
and cancer is such a personal journey
(((((((((((((((()))))))))))
I think the inability of people to speak about cancer is because it scares them too much. Almost as if saying the word 'cancer' in some way makes it more real. In a way it's a bit like when you're bereaved - there are those people who say they're sorry for your loss and are comfortable talking to you and asking how you are; then there are those who go out of their way to avoid you because they just don't know what to say.
I've always thought that you have a very healthy attitude to it. Your honesty and openness are very refreshing.
OK, that's quite enough being nice!! Now please get off your lardy ar$e and get that run done ;-) Btw, I can remember when 3 miles was a dream for you so a 7-8 mile run is very impressive. Go girl!
And to cheer myself up... I loaded a new pic up (when the RW admins get ther backsides in gear tomorrow) which was of a night out around about August. I was stone cold sober and driving although I look like the joker!
Don`t know what else to say except that I really hope there turns out to be another explaination for your symptoms.
Can you phone and demand an earlier appointment ? Or does being a stroppy cow not help with the NHS ?
Good Luck
Seriously, had the scan Friday so waiting until following Wednesday is probably good by all accounts - when you consider that the scan was done on one of the mobile truck things at BUPA on Friday afternoon. The films will have been processed on Friday and the Radiologist will likely look at them tomorrow. Then he'll dictate his letter and report for the secretary to type up which will go to my Consultant on Tuesday. Voilà ready for me to get results on Wednesday.
Now... you could argue - well, why not get the consultant to give me a ring on Tuesday when he has the results...? Good question. The problem with that is... if it's good news that's all well and fine and dandy good. If it's crappy news - that's where the problems come in. They normally prefer you to be sitting in front of them when they tell you... not nice doing stuff like that over the phone. But also see, if they say they'll ring and don't then you assume then, it's bad news. If they ring and say they still need you to come in, you still assume it's bad news.
So, they can't win really. Plus, also have to consider my poor chap works for the dear old NHS too. Plus, he has surgery Monday and Tuesday. Monday morning at BUPA and Tuesday at local hospital. I don't know how he keeps track of everyone. But he does and I'm jolly thankful too.
So... wednesday it is... unlike dear old NHS. I'd probably have had to wait a couple if weeks. Not to mention the million months waiting list for CT scan
(roll eyes)
Soooooo being stroppy gets ya absolutely nowhere
;o)
I'm hanging my money on the 'lucky by the skin of teeth' feeling I have - plus all the fingers and toes and legs and arms that have been crossed for me. Not to mention all the warm wishes and hugs and prayers being said... I should be okay I think!
;o)
I'm glad you had a good cry though... I think sometimes that's what I miss. I used to cry all the time when this thread was really active. But since I've picked up with life, I've not really cried very much. I didn't even cry when my partner left the house. I think I was all cried out by that stage but it is a good way to release pent-up emotional angst.
I am hoping for the best news along with everyone else.
But even so Monique, if it's bad news, it's bad news we just get to deal with it again. To be honest... if the cancer has returned I think I would prefer it to be metastases in that it will have spread rather than the regional reoccurrence that I'm dreading - because if it's regional, I don't want any more treatment and the option for it would be the same gruelling chemo and radiotherapy that I had last time and I just can't do that again. Just can't.
So... we'll see. Hopefully, in this case, lightning won't strike twice. Even though we all know it is entirely possible.
;o)
Getting results over the phone would be awful, waiting and waiting for the ring. Then again all types of waiting must be hard. The one positive thing ( if you can say that ) is it gives you concrete time to think and consider the different options so what ever the results you have at least some idea of what you can and can`t do or will and won`t.
I am sure you will chose the right path for you if treatment is needed just hope you don`t have to go down that road.
Or perhaps what I should say is what ever the path may the road rise up to meet you.
But, I'm telling y'all something ya already know anyway
;o)