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Giving up the booze
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Back from a weekend working away and it's great to see so much action in here! Definitely going to be juicing lots this week - the only bind for me is cleaning the juicer - it's a real pain and does sometimes put me off!
Do it before you drink the juice Apps - only takes a minute then, the longer you leave it the harder it is to clean..........
6mile run yesterday and i don't have work today due to the weather so going to.go to the gym do another 6 on treadmill then slug out in the spa area, joys of self employed
I had no contact with any of my family for nearly a decade. I didn't know if my mother was alive or dead. It's what alcoholics do; we isolate ourselves. I just wanted to be left alone to drink, without the fear of getting judged or someone trying to stop me.
And alcoholism is a progressive thing; although we might get periods of recovery, it tends to get worse, never better. As time wore on my personal relationships were either terrible or non existent, I couldn't earn a living, I suffered with financial insecurity, when I wasn't drinking all I was thinking about was drinking; suicidal thoughts were the norm.
It's a hard way to live but the thought of giving up booze was even worse. I imagined a sober existence would be one long grey, depressing and meaningless experience. It's why I planned to kill myself.
Luckily enough I was wrong.
Typical - I finally post on here after months of no posting and my posts disappear!
EDI, Jonnie and everyone else who's been to that dark place and come through it - you have my utmost respect. It's never been a problem for me personally but I have and to an extent still do see my husband going down that path and have to try to prevent it happening. He still drinks daily, a couple of pints almost every night after work. Makes me really upset that he would rather go to the pub than come home
Anyway, I refuse to let it get to me - I do all the things I want to do and he misses out.
My foster daughter is excluded from school today so I'm making her follow her timetable. She has a double p.e. session after lunch, I don't have a badminton court so guess who's riding her bike next to me on a nice run - minimum 3 miles.......
Hi everyone - hope all is well!
I've been good with my juicing this week, even if I've been lazy with washing the juicer afterwards. I know you're right SL, about cleaning it straight away,but I just don't have the discipline! It really is the only time I wish I had a dishwasher!
I haven't run for a couple of weeks so need to sort that out. SL, I'm always amazed how quickly you go from a couple of miles to loads in no time at all. What's the secret?
Sunluvva, there's a thing Al-anon teaches called the 'Three Cs'. We don't Cause anyone's alcoholism, we can't Control anyone's alcoholism and we can't Cure anyone's alcoholism.
When my ex-wife and current Mrs Easy tried to control my drinking, it just made me more secretive about it. Mrs Easy would say, "How much have you had to drink?" and I'd be slurring my words with the eyes hanging out of me replying "Only four cans, why like?" But I'd get drunk and forget where I hid my whisky around the house, or where I hid my empties; she'd find them and hit the roof. Eventually she just went quiet about it and left me to get on with it.
And you're right to refuse to let it not get to you; it's not a personal thing. You could be [insert most gorgeous and perfect woman ever] and we'd still drink.
Hi all,
Ditto EDI - I've been booze free for 13 months and I still live with the guilt of what I put my family through, the money I spent etc etc ... Mrs RS is my 'one in a million' and has stuck by me through the good and the bad, and now the good times again - but she could never have changed me; the drinker, only I could do that and likewise it's my own grit and determination that are keeping me sober (along with my support network of course...). Hiding the booze - classic - when I decided to go sober, I went round the house (and garden) and revealed all my hiding places, mrs RS's jaw hit the floor, she couldn't believe just how bad I had got, I used to be in denial too about the amount I drank too - it was only ever 'a few...'
I never want to put myself or my family through that again ... it makes me shudder to think..
I should grammar check before I post ... two toos ... lol
EDI, I know theres no way I can control his drinking but I can control what I will put up with. He knows that I won't accept him being properly bolloxed every day - he would have to leave. I can cope with a couple of pints after work but no more - if he started drinking at home again he'd be gone before he could slur kronenburg! He knows I don't like it at all but I accept I can't make him stop. It's up to him to decide what's more important to him - I've laid my cards on the table and he knows how I feel and where that line is, if he crosses it then it's over.
Anyway, enough of that misery stuff - look what I've just treated myself to. It's a real bargain even at £115
http://www.cotswoldoutdoor.com/berghaus-womens-vapour-storm-jacket-21110744?id_colour=133
SL, you know, from an alcoholic point of view, I'm not sure your husband is one of us. You generally find fear (like threats of relationships ending) don't tend to keep us sober for long, and a big red flag (though it's a positive) is that alkies generally - when faced with the choice of only a couple of drinks, or nothing at all - go for the nothing at all option. Just a couple of drinks is pure torture, in my experience.
But obviously I'm only going on the information you provided, and I have been known to be wrong on occasion (it was on a Tuesday).
Nice jacket. Is it a pac-lite one? We use the slightly cheaper Montane Atomic; it crushes down really small and fits in a bumbag. It's good for fell races where they require full body cover.
Not sure what happened with the quotey thing there EDI ...
...Which is why I know I can never drink again - I could never trust myself to drink 'responsibly', no alcoholic ever can, I always have an ironic smile to myself when I see this on alcohol advertisments ...
How did the Cardiff HM go for you EDI?
Believe me EDI he is - has been for the last 30 yrs. He's been through the stuff you spoke of earlier. He tries not to drink at all but can't manage it for more than a few weeks and it always creeps back up. He really has made this choice - he's the sort of alchie who just has to have some drink - it doesn't have to be loads but he can't do without it.
My new jacket just arrived, it doesn't say it's paclite. It's a Vapour Storm, the label said it's goretex. Is paclite the name or the material they use. I know it's good stuff as I've heard people talk about it but just assumed it was the model name.
Been for a run this morning, not sure exactly how far. I'd planned 4 miles max but took the wrong track in the woods and ended up somewhere different than planned. The garmin wouldn't pick up the satellite for ages, so I did over a mile maybe more before it started. It was nice to be out in the sunshine
SL, there's a saying which goes something like "I hope all your problems become bad enough for you to have to deal with them!"; that was very true for me. I'm glad. Booze just isn't in the picture any more. I've a mate whose wife used to leave A.A. leaflets around the house; he reckoned she planted some seeds in his mind about going to A.A., which he did in the end. He's about 7 years sober now.
But even at six years sober I have some funny thoughts though. I was doing the food shopping today and I thought "A nice bottle of red would be nice!" and for an instant I really wanted one. But it passed without a struggle. I'll keep going to A.A.; it works for me.
@ RicSure, the Cardiff half went well. I didn't plan to beast myself on it because I'm more interested in building up my weekly mileage, so took the first half nice and easy, and then I beasted myself!! I got 1.49 which I was quite pleased with since I'd lost my running mojo for a lot of months prior. Last year (on another half) I got 1.39; so 10 minutes slower this year. Mrs Easy got 1.37 and she was disappointed. Last year she got 1.32 and she's really after a sub 1.30 half, but injury/niggles are slowing her down.
EDI - fair play, 1:49 is a great time - I was rubbish, having done the Severn Bridge in 1:52; I was looking for sub 1:50 - I did a 1:54 but my heart wasn't in it, I had some shocking family news on the Friday before and was ready to pull out altogether - hey ho ... training now with a vengence for some races booked for next year - Liswerry 8, Merthyr HM and Manchester Marathon!
I'd be interested to know what anyone's thoughts are on low self esteem - I've been sober for just over a year but still suffer from depression (30mg's C'pram daily do ease it), but I seem to suffer from dreadful low self esteem - is this common with alcoholism in your experience? Just can't seem to get past it on occaisions, I know I should feel good about what I've achieved over this last year, I feel fitter than I ever have in my life (the big 50 next year) and people I haven't seen since sobering up and ditching the fags don't recognise me now I've lost 5.5 stone and got the fitness bug...
Depression and alcoholism often go hand-in-hand. In A.A., one of the many cliches is "If you want esteem, do esteemable things." We use the 12 Step process which involves taking a good hard look at ourselves and investigating our past through a structured process, getting it down on paper, speaking about it to someone we trust. Then, from that process we end up with a list of people we've harmed and we do a 'My Name's Earle' thing and go and make amends to them. If we owe money, we pay it back. If we've wronged someone we try to set it right (unless it would cause them further harm). There's a lot of esteem to be found by clearing the debris of our past (most alkies seem to have messy pasts). And of course the real amend we make to our loved ones is by the way we live sober. Hopefully we're more loving, kinder, patient and tolerant. We almost have to be if we want to remain sober.
Our program also places great emphasis on one alcoholic helping another. It's difficult to have low-self esteem when you spend your time helping another human being for no payment. I'm fairly active in sponsoring other alkies; I find it extremely rewarding.
I also think health and well being don't have to go together. We can be healthy, but not well in our being. But I know people who are not healthy but mentally well; for example I know a lady dying of cancer, but she's well in her being; she has peace of mind.
There's lots of good books out there about depression and stuff. I'm currently reading this one (to help me understand depression better; Mrs Tosh suffers with it):
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shoot-Damn-Dog-Memoir-Depression/dp/0747572453
The author has used stuff like A.A.'s 12 Steps and Buddhist practices and lots of other stuff. I've not finished the book, but it's a good read so far.
hello everyone, lots of interesting reading,really enjoyed it all.
Not been posting recently as i have been suffering from my sciatica/ hip/leg problem.The doctor finally want blood tests as this seems to be getting worse with more symptoms this time. Not much sleep,lots of pain and with it all starting to feel low,which is not a good thing for an acoholic - not depression yet but wary of that dreaded word as we have quite a few drepressive types in our recovery groups.
No running or exercise, just using my 12 step program to keep my head right, if i think back 3 1/2 years this would have been a fine time to go on a bender with all the self pity,fear and anxiety i would have used to justify drinking.
EDI loved your post, while not been asked to sponsor anybody yet, i do regular service at my groups and help once a week on the phone helpline as well as sharing at the local drying out clinic once a month (i always come out of there feeling better) service works ! AA works thank God !!!!
Sounds tough, BWF. I hope they find out what's up. Mrs Tosh has had a run of injuries and niggles; first it was a classic case of runner's knee which she saw a physio for - which didn't seem to help much. Then it was a back problem. Now it's her calf/achilles tendon. She jumps to worst case scenario every time which doesn't help her mental state.
Good on you for your service to alkies too. It's true though, about esteem, if we want self-esteem, we can't think it, we have to take action to get it. I think it's a bit like wanting to be a runner; we can't be a runner just by thinking about it, reading about it, or simply wanting to be one; we have to take action and actually start running.
The action always comes before the feeling; it doesn't seem to work the other way around. Another A.A. cliché I like is 'Bring the body and the mind will follow'. That really works.
I'm off out with my step-daughter this morning to go look at Bath University. I can't believe she's old enough to go to university next year. She's currently putting her 'slap' on; she must suspect that boys will be there. It's nice to be up early, hang-over free, and able to be of service to my family.
Seriously though, i have never been to a meeting and feel like i should its been 4 months since a last drank to get drunk , maybe would do myself some good it is free afterall and be good to meet others in a similar position
Wheatgrass!?!? Is the powder just as good as u can buy from Holland and barrets
Hubby's drinking originally revolved around depression - then it became a viscous circle where he drank because he was depressed then became depressed because he drank. I'm sure it's all too familiar to most of you.
Re the wheatgrass Jonnie - the fresh stuff is always better but you'll still get good benefits from adding the powder to juices and smoothies.
Hope they find out what's wrong BWF.
Enjoy your morning at Bath Uni EDI.
I've just got some powder online RJ, haven't tried it yet but have got the juicer out of the box
Hi Jonnie, I'm inferring from your post that you've drank within the past four months. As far as I'm concerned the whole point of booze is to drink it to get drunk. I didn't drink it for the taste, I drank it for the effect.
And given my drinking history, I would be stupid to even drink one small beer. And really, what's one beer going to do for me? Absolutely nothing.
Can I ask why you drank?
I've been involved with Buddhism for a few years now; I even did a heavily scholastic two-year Foundation of Buddhist Thought course. It was okay. I'm an atheist and Buddhism kinda sounds rational to begin with, but dig a little deeper and there's plenty of 'woo woo' stuff in there too.
I don't chuck the baby out with the bath-water though; Buddhism can be extremely psychological too. Science has investigated many Buddhist practises, such as meditation, and mindfullness is a mainstream psychiatric practise today.
There's a school of thought that alcoholics drink because we have problems with emotional processing. Booze gives us a sense of ease and comfort. Spiritual practises - such as mindfulness - can also reduce stress and anxiety (like booze did for us); so it makes perfect sense. The only downside is that it takes effort and discipline (like running does) to cultivate a meditation practise, but as alcoholics we know where to get that sense of ease and comfort straight away; a bottle.
And much of what A.A. has to offer is like Buddhism. I mean Buddhism is the Eightfold Path (the Fourth Noble Truth), which essentially breaks down into three areas:
1. Living an ethical life.
2. The practise of compassion.
3. The cultivation of wisdom (not intellectual) by meditation and mindfullness.
All these elements are to be found in the 12 Steps. I think that your father is spot on with what he's doing.
It was a loooong day. Scary too. The idea of my step-daughter (I've been her dad since she was five-years-old) leaving home is just waaaaaaaay-out.
She's dead excited; it's a lovely university (we're going to look at some others) in a beautiful setting. But it all seems rather strange.
And although I know I shouldn't make this about 'me', but I wonder how her Mum and I will cope when she's gone? Things will be too quiet.
I don't like change!