Musical Jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a ukulele?

A ukulele burns faster.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw a ukulele in a refuse skip and it hits a banjo.

How do you know when a harmonica player is at the door?
He can never find the key and he comes in whenever he likes.

What's brown and sounds like a cowbell? Dung.

What is the best thing to play bongos with?
Razor blades.

How do you keep two tambourine players in time?
Shoot one of them.


  • Bloke walks into a shop and orders fish and chips.
    Man behind the counter says "You're a drummer aren't you?"
    Bloke admits that he is - but asks how he could tell.

    "Easy he says - this is a newsagents"

    Boom and indeed ...boom (albeit slightly late)
  • Sorry, but I find these jokes a bit Saxist.
  • what's the difference between a seamstress and a viola player?
    one tucks up the frills...

    how can you tell when a drummer is at the door?
    the knocking gets faster and faster

    one for choral singers, how may altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
    none - they just stand there and say "ooh, that's too high"
  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭
    What's the difference between an onion and a violin?

    You don't cry when you're chopping up a violin.
  • all of our family are musical....

    even the sewing-machine is a singer.....
  • "no - I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist "
  • What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

    You only need to punch the information into a drum machine once.
  • What's is the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
    Puts on her clothes and goes home.

    What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Phrases you never hear: 'That's the banjo player's Porsche'.

    How do you make a jazz player a millionaire? Give him 2 million.

    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
  • *What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
    You take your shoes off before jumping up and down on a trampoline.

    *How does a viola player ensure free car parking?
    They put their viola case on the dash board.

    *What's the difference between the front of the viola section and the back?
    About a second.

  • A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band.
    The director says,"Sure, you can join the trombone section."
    The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone."
    "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!"

    A trombone player walks past a bar,........ Yeah, right!!

    Why do people play trombone?
    Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
  • A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

    The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

    " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
  • Gone Chopin,
    Bach in a Minuet ;)
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