Eating disorders article

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  • i want to be normal and happy like i used to be...funny bolchy and completely open about everything....they have a bed for me in e.d.u in dublini supposed to be best in country but no exercise......not emaciated or anything in fact i look quite well so am afraid about muscle atrophy and fitness...what ye think, though in my heart i have an idea
  • therese - i think you should go in.
    when i was in hospital then i couldn't stop exercising as a way to self-destruct.
    after i was admitted i used to climb out of the laundry window so i could go running, and then when they found out about that i would still take every chance i could to exercise & burn calories.
    it wasn't making me a better runner - actually i did long-term damage to joints & organs which still means i can't run so well now. on an inadequate calorie intake then exercise actually causes you to loose muscle as your body 'eats' your muscles for fuel. the heart's a muscle - you are risking serious permanent damage to that too, as well as osteoporosis (brittle bones, leading to repeated fractures). none of these things will help your running.

    please go in to hospital. the longer you leave it, the worse the damage gets - both physically, and it makes your thinking patterns harder to change.

    when you get out of hospital and get well, then you can start running again, and your fitness will come back up.
    i did my first marathon three years after leaving hospital, but to be able to do that and enjoy it then i had to be able to take care of myself properly again.
    Charlotte Dale, who i knew when i was in hospital, has recovered & is now at the World Class Potential programme in Twickenham.
    But to run you do need to be fuelling yourself properly, otherwise you are just destroying your body, not building fitness.
  • therese
    I think it would help you to go in. Yesterday I was so pleased to read about the help you are getting but I was worried that you were being toally open with them about how bad you were feeling as it felt that you should be an inpatient whilst you feel the way you do. If the epxerts think that it would help you to go to dublin then plase take the leap. Better to build on where you are now than wait until you do look less well.
    As duck girl says, muscles can be rebuilt. Your life can't be put back together if you don't go and harm yourself. I know how frightening it is to think about these htings but I can tell you that you get through it.
    I think it amazing that you can see that Dublin is a good option for you and are considering. Well done you.
    good luck :-)
    Jude
    x
  • thanks, thanks to you all. i cant describe the inherent sadness i have been feeling all week and though its so sad to see it, to know that there are others out there gripped by the same clutch of this disorder provides such salvation and relif, i dont mean to take pleasure from the problems of others but to know i am not all alone in my sadness is absolutely wonderful! thank ye
  • You aren't on your own.
    In hospital you will be around other people who are going through the same thing.
    it will be difficult, but you can help each other.
    please get proper help.
  • talked about it with mum and dad today and i think deep down in my own heart i wont recover fully from this unless i go, it might ease for a month or too but then something will cause me stress and i will start to look at my body again and start freaking out about the essential fat that covers me.....its so sad to see the awful trap i have locked myself into and i think that this is the only way out
  • (((therese))) you are tackling this with a lot of courage & clarity. well done.

    hospital should be somewhere safe for you go while you work on getting better, with people to help.
    it will be scary & difficult at first, but please believe me, getting better is worth a try.
    it will be a lot better for you physically & mentally if you can get yourself sorted out as soon as possible, & hospital should give you some space & time to do that.
  • (((therese)))
    That you are able to rationalise your illness and want to escape the grip it has on you is a firm foundation to build your recovery on. You have been doing well with your current support to even get to this point and you're doing an amazing job of pulling on this strength to think about going in to hospital. They can work with you on using this to help you start to believe more in why you can and will get better. It very brave of you to take this step given how terrifying it must be for you. I'm still on the shaky road to recovery and all I can say from my experience is that the first treatment step is hard and I often struggled because "real life" got in the way of my recovery. The best way to give yourself every chance is to minimise exposure to "real life" problems and being inpatient will help you with this. It's a safe, supportive environment where you can take things at your own pace.
    The sadness can and will go away with time once you've had the opportunity in hospital to build yourself up. It'll take time but I know you can get there. Remember that you deserve the help and support you can get in hospital, therese. I know you feel useless but you aren't. I was sad to read that you've "locked yourself" into your illness. It's an illness and you didn't choose to suffer. You can choose to get the right help but don't feel you're to blame for being ill. And certainly don't use that thought to justify not being worthy of treatment.
    Anyway, just some thoughts of mine which I hope help in some small way. But I hope you know you're not alone. Do think about checking out the somethingfishy.org website. They are pro recovery and I agree it's sad to see other people struggling too but it's fantastic that this place exists to egt advice and pull on support fromother people who understand. Like hoose said, only you know what's your reality and how you feel and what's best for you.
    Take care
  • I started this thread just to highlight what I thought was a 'mistaken view' of the RW article, and it has turned into something quite different.

    I am so far away from my life as an ED sufferer now that it seems to be another person, but reading what some of you are going through has brought it all back.

    I really really feel for you, there aren't words to describe what I feel because I remember how desperate and horrible that time was for me...and to know you are suffering that now, even though I don't know you, brings a lump to my throat.

    So I am so proud of what this thread has become. It's another outlet of support for a disease that wants you to keep it secret.

    For those of you still suffering...please keep posting and listen to those of us who have beaten this, because you will too.

    (((therese))) You've taken such a major step... that's really fantastic...now follow it through.
  • 'I am so far away from my life as an ED sufferer now that it seems to be another person, but reading what some of you are going through has brought it all back.'

    Can really identify with that - & it's strange to me now that i could ever have thought like that. believe me, getting better can happen, & it is worth the time & effort.
  • I've been lurkin since the thread started but I spose its time for me to but my twopenneth in...

    Therese, you will get there. Take the treatment they are offering u, i went on for so long thinking I could do it on my own. It becomes more than just an ED, the depression that goes alongside it gets out of control, coz all u can think about is food/weight the whole time and it gets to a point where u just cant be bothered to fight the scales any more, but u have to, and there becomes only one way out...

    I'm 24, and I'm lucky to be here. Noone realised I had a problem for ages coz I appeared a 'normal' weight, well, size 6, but 'normal'ish for a long time before it got completely out of control. Your body is not a machine, and it gives way, I now only have 1 kidney and my heart collapsed, at which point, treatment was forced upon me, in a sick way, it was the best thing that ever happened.

    I'm not sure it ever completely goes away, I had a spell as an inpatient just b4 xmas, tho that was more from depression than an ED relapse, tho really, its all related, coping with being 3 stone heavier isn't easy, even tho I still a size 8/10. Obviously, your metabolism takes a long long time to recover... but you become able to live a 'normal' life- you get through day by day at first, and after a while, realise there are other things that have become more important than your weight, I guess thats the point you 1st realise its not something thats gonna completely dominate your life forever. You DO come out the other side.

    I'm only a year on, and already feel I've made so much progress from something I thought would never go away, I have 5 suicide attempts behind me, something I would rather have done back then than admit to the real problem and take the treatment.

    I'm now 9 weeks pregnant, and having to deal with the fact I'm just about to get properly fat!! and u know, its ok, i never ever thought I would be able to say that...

    My thoughts are with you Therese, and everyone else who is still suffering from it, please please get help, you WILL be ok.

    (And DG, thanks for all your wise words at the time , you were wonderful, it was gr8 to know that some1 understood, i owe u a lot 4 that....)

    sorry, this has turned into a right ramble!!!


    xxxxxxxx
  • GF

    Thank you for sharing your story so bravely. I'm so glad to hear how well you're doing. i just wanted to say thank you as hearing your words serves as an inspiration to me as I continue recovering myself. I'm seeing things much the same way as you are - hate weighing more than I feel I "should" but I can see (in moments that are becoming more frequent) that it's a small price to pay to get my life back.

    Congrats on the pregnancy! Must be amazing to you now to be able to look forward to such a wonderful thing - or even just the future. I never thought I'd be able to look forward to the future optimistically but getting there - although I think I'll start with saving for a flat rather than a baby which is a bit drastic for me :-)

    Jude
    x
  • Jude I feel exactly the same. Mail me whenever u need to talk- that goes 4 any of u xxxxx
  • hi guys n gals.....not in hospital yet....but chatted with my lecturers about whats going on and theyre very supportive and will help me out in any way possible...today is ok....have sore hip at the mo so its tough.... swimming n cross trainer...yuck . while initially during the deepest of the anorexia i used to run to be entitled to food, i run now because i love the exhilarating rush of the crisp morning air and the soft crunch of the frost at my feet....no one else is awake at 6.30 and this is my world that no one else can tap into.. physically i am ok! have loads of strength training done so 52kg of good muscle and standing 168cm tall but i dont want it to be about facts figures and numbers though i am finding it hard to let go of being a little size 8...but having come from 11 stone i can afford to be a size 10 i think....when i got there originally i never thought i could have gotten there....i wanna have the privillige of getting up in the morning and running long and tucking into a good breakfast on return and not worry about havin two bowls of cereal AND toast (white) or having a croissant...oh the simple little joys in life.. for those on a weight loss mission....concentrate on exercise not food...its one of the few pleasures on life that once you toy with it your approach to it will never ever be the same...
  • I am lurking too. I don't know what to say really, just that I have been waiting 6 months for an appointment for the E/D Clinic and am still waiting. I find that training helps me have something to eat sensibly for but its always there in the background and will never go away. I don't even know if I want it to go away because who will I be then?
    But I know I have to get help because after all these years its still controlling me. I am not feeling sorry for myself about this, just being realistic.
  • Hello HappyasLarry

    Long wait, huh. It'll come round sooner than you think. Just keep remembering you have taken the first step. I had to wait 6 months too.
    ED treatment is there to address concerns about what the ED wil be replaced with. I was personally very scared I'd find my life was empty which is a very common fear but I've found to my surprise that I've had no problems replacing the ED with fun things. It's usual to have the fear of "letting go" and it's very confusing to wonder why you wouldn't let go of this if you had a choice but your ED is your coping mechanism and the treatment will help you find different mechanisms. The treatment tackles the core reasons why you might even have this worry about there being nothing else or why you worry you won't know who you are. I can honestly say the me that is emerging is a better me than the ED me and it happens naturally.
    I'm sorry you're suffering right now but your fears are what other ed sufferers worry about too and can be successfully challenged.
  • lucky gym freak......getting periods!if i got one id a least know i was on the right track but as it stands i am training hard, getting "fat" and nothing is happening reproductively! i dont miss them much but would like to have em at this stage osteoperosis n all!
  • they stopped for 4 years therese, but they do come back!!!
  • 4 YRS.....EM CAN I ASK AT WHAT POINT WEIGHT DID THEY COME BACK...I KNOW EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT BUT IM 8 OR 8 AND A BIT STONE NOW AND 5FT 6 SO IM NOT REALLY WASTING OR ANYTHING BUT THER'S NO SHOW!
  • <sticks fingers in ears>

    well, for me 3 yrs at 60kg (i'm 1.68m), but after 5 they still aren't that regular (maybe 7 a year). apparently i managed to really screw up my hormones 'cos they never really got started before ED though :( still don't know if i'll be able to have kids, but at 22 i'm really not in a hurry.

    basically you need a certain % body fat, and stress & hard training screws them up too.
  • AW SHITE!!! LAST TIME GOT BADY FAT CHECKED WAS IN NOV WAS 15% PUT ON SIGNIFIGANT MUSCLE AND SOME BODY FAT SINCE THEN DUNNO HOW MUCH THOUGH. HOW SOME SONIA O SULLIVAN CAN DO IT....
  • therese - i'm 5'9 and mine came back at just over 8 stone. i didn't have any periods at all for about 4 or 5 years either. once they did come back, they were very irregular though for a while, until i went onto the pill (which i could NOT get on with). when i came off it within about 6 months of being on it, they were regular as clockwork and have been ever since.

    i'm now 21 weeks pregnant (and 33 years old). this is my first pregnancy and i got pregnant in our first month of 'trying'. so it looks like i was the lucky one with regards to my fertility.

    your fertility is, however, NOT something to be messing around with. i worried for many years that i wouldn't be able to conceive when i wanted to because of damage i may have done to myself during my ED years. it wasn't something i could have given a hoot about at the time. but 10-15 years later, i have a very different outlook on it! and i have been incredibly fortunate.

    for this reason, as well as many many others which are more immediate, i really hope you are able to get the help you so obviously need and want.
  • God to hear someone who is 33 and come out the other side is amazing.......are u fully recovered?? do u eat and not think about it?? lucky u at being that height and weight your obviously one a them supermodel type(which i happen to loathe!!!) I am studying neuroscience in college and there is an area on nutrition and it says a lot about set weight for the body so i guess i must figure out what that is.....i hope its not too far away coz the more i look at myself the fatter i feel....
  • therese - i hasten to add that i am NOT 8 stone any longer. i am now ... well, i am now pregnant, so we won't talk about how much i weigh, but before i got pregnant, i weighed 11 stone. so far from the supermodel type - lol!

    and that probably sounds HORRIFIC to you, and you are thinking 'argh - i don't want to weigh 11 stone'! well, you don't have to. at 11 stone, i was still easily a size 12 because i'm 5'9, and most people thought i was very slim - i obviously just hide it well!

    as to whether i'm fully recovered and whether i eat and don't think about it - well, pretty much, yes. i never ever binge anymore, which is something i used to do for many years, and then i'd make myself vomit. i sometimes comfort eat, but only by a biscuit or two or a bar of chocolate, which is fairly normal, i think.

    i don't deny myself what i want to eat. i may choose low fat products, and diet coke instead of full fat coke, but pretty much, i eat what i want. i wouldn't say i don't *think* about it, because that would be untrue. but, i can't think of one type of food that i have a hang up about, although i can still quote you the calorific values of most foods, which i guess is unusual. but i don't sit down and analyse what i've eaten each day, and by the end of the day, i will struggle to remember what i had for lunch.

    if i didn't exercise, i think it may be a bit more of a problem for me. the only time i start feeling vaguely stressed/worried, is if i can't exercise. i do then start to worry a bit more about what i'm eating and try to cut back (unsuccessfully, most of the time).

    i know it sounds incredible to you that someone who used to weigh about 6 stone or less is telling you that she now weighs close to twice that and is fine about it. you probably think you don't want to be like that. but - believe me, when you recover from this dreadful illness, you will gradually lose your focus on what you weigh and how fat or otherwise you look. other things become more important - like having fun, enjoying yourself, being healthy, happy and successful in what you choose to do. gradually, over many years, you will actually stop caring how much those scales tell you you weigh. we don't even have scales at home, so the only time i can weigh is when we go to the gym - in full view of everyone else!

    re: your periods coming back at a particular weight - it's not just your BMI, % of body fat. as Duck Girl said, it can be to do with how stressed you are, and how much you exercise. when my periods came back, i wasn't really exercising at all and i was just starting to relax and enjoy myself (just started at uni). and if you are in a whizzy whirl about everything, then your periods may not come back, even though your body fat etc may be fine.

    good luck, therese, and i hope you get some help very soon.
  • Pleasure, Happyaslarry. feel free to email me any time you like :-)

    Jude
    x
  • you can get better. you can get to a point where it's not controlling you.
    as for what you'll be without it - dunno. i know i'm a very different person now, but a lot of that's probably the difference between 13 & 22. but it'll be a lot more fun than being an ED.
    i can honestly say that i have no idea how many calories i ate yesterday, nor do i care. the last time i got weighed was 2 yrs ago, and that was so i could jump out of a plane - i know i stay about the same size because my clothes still fit.
    most of the time i eat mostly sensible stuff as running fuel, but i honestly can go round a friends for a chocolate fondue party, spend most of the evening on a sugar high being daft, and not care about the calories / fat / whatever. taken a while to get there, but i really never ever would have thought that possible once - wouldn't even have wanted it. but friends and normal life and daftness are just so much more interesting than calories.
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