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Eating disorders article
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I'm also trying (!) to think of my ED(NOS) as my best friend. (Bear with me). What kind of mental energy does it take to run a 12miler on empty? (I bet we've all done somat like that, right?) Just imagine I could put that to use in the world... I could move mountains - so the sooner I free up that energy the sooner the world becomes a more bearable place (and the less I and people like me feel like protesting against participating in it by starving ourselves or overeating). Also, I always fall back on ED thoughts when something in my life is making me uncomfortable - it's that on some level I seem to think that managing my eating seems like an easier and more controllable thing to do than actually doing whatsoever scary thing that would allieviate my circumstances (even if that thing is accepting a difficult situation in which I have uncomfortable feelings). So now, when the thoughts kick in or seem to be more intense I try to remember it's like a message to myself that something in my life needs my attention. So that's another way to see it as a friend. Not one that I want to listen to (it's answer to everything is 'have you thought about stopping eating?') but one whose heart is in the right place ('I'm concerned that you're not making the best of your circumstances').
One day, I really hope that I'll just feel able to go straight to the problem without having to go through even a tiny starvation/ binge/ obsession cycle to wake me up. One day. And everyday I resist following the seductive thought that just a bit more weight off... that day is closer.
I've completely slipped back into it recently, its some form of control when anything else goes wrong, but something, i dont know what, has made me not give up completely. Tho today, i really have no idea what that is.
Therese, u would b deeply deeply missed xxx
good you are still here
I've struggled with eating problems for about 14 years. I started becoming obsessed with food when I was 14 and slowly began to reduce what I ate till I was just over 6 stone. I became bulhimic at University and have had very bad times with that. But I'm ok now. I still relapse and have good and bad months, but I can honestly say that I don't obsess about food now. I eat normally (well, 'normally' for a recovering bulhimic) and do everything I can to keep on top of things. I've just run my first marathon which would NEVER have been possible a couple of years ago. I feel strong and healthy.
Please try and access the strength in you and remember that things will not always be like this. Life in the midst of an ED is horrendous and so lonely. It makes you very introverted and self critical. When you get out of it you will look back and wonder why you wasted all that time. I promise things will get better.
Natasha F and Janey S. What seems to be emerging from several stories on this forum is that the road to recovery from anorexia involves various stages. Anorexia, bulimia or EDNOS, "normal" attitude to food and exercise with some relapses, recovery. Janey, your story especially is so positive and inspiring. I don't know you, but I feel so proud of you for getting through it. To be quite honest, I'm rather jealous. I'm on a bit of a low at the moment, and I'd give anything to be at your stage. Apart from your mum's wise advise, do you have any suggestions on getting to that elusive state?
Therese, and gymfreak. As Natasha and Janey, and many others on this forum have already said - don't give up. I think our relationship with our body is just like any relationship with a person. If you treat it badly, it will respond by defending itself and reacting. It messes your brain up and throws you into that doom, gloom and negativity. But if you're good to it, it's equally good to you by making you feeling strong, healthy and happy. We are in this state of depression and pessimism because we have put ourselves in it. Believe me (because I have had a few tasters), when you treat your body with the respect it deserves, it will reward you.
Ooooo....I've made myself hungry for some of that optimism now. Anyone else want a slice? OK. I am declaring truce with my body. I'm going to give it the care and attention it needs, and I hope I am going to get the mental liberation and rejuvenation that I so long for.
P.S. Sorry for taking up so much forum space! I do ramble............!!!!!
I tried lots of different counseling methods, none of which worked for me. I realised that it was my own strength that would have to get me through. I’ve had a think about what has helped me and have come up with a few things.
1. What really upset me when I was bad was the thought that I was really harming myself physically. There’s only so much you can get away with when hurting your body and I hated the thought that I was doing irreparable damage. I want children more than anything and I didn’t want to risk not being able to have them.
2. I thought about how disgusting I felt after every relapse, how absolutely repulsed with myself I was. Then before every binge or loss of control I thought ‘Is this really worth it?’. Of course, this doesn’t always work because you think you don’t care at the time, but sometimes it stopped me.
3. I used my obsessive controlling side in a positive way. I used to write on a bit of paper a list of days and weeks and then tick them off every time I had a good day. I’m artistic so I designed the piece of paper really nicely (sounds silly but it works because if you have a bad day that will really stand out). Also, when I had a bad day I would write things like ‘It’s not worth it’ and ‘Remember this feeling’ and then look back at them when I was about to relapse again.
4. Exercise – of course, extremely important
5. Allowing myself treats, in my own small way.
6. Looking at life as a whole, looking at the bigger picture. How long do I really want this to go on for? Do I really want to be controlled by food for the rest of my life? There’s so much more to life! We only get one life, why put ourselves through suffering? And it is OURSELVES, no one else is doing this to us. I think we need to be shocked into realising this. ED’s are safe and secure and habitual and it is terrifying to leave them. It’s really like losing a best friend. Making the jump is frightening but worth it.
Of course I write this and I am not totally ‘cured’, I have a long way to go. Next time I’m stressed or upset I’m sure I’ll relapse. But I’m A LOT better than I used to be and I’m convinced one day I’ll be totally ok.
Jo - what stage are you at right now?
Take care xx
I can definitely relate to this. I'm not sure if i've found a better way to tell people that i'm not OK yet, but to some extent i've given up on trying to get certain people to understand. my life does not have to depend on trying to make parents / anyone else understand what is happening - there's some friends i can talk to honestly, and being able to do that _without_ having to communicate via food, finding ways to communicate who i am & what i'm thinking without putting it in terms of calories / weight / whatever, is really helpful.
Therese, I suppose everyone's case is different. The "treat your body well etc." applies to me because for me the ED was not the primary problem, like I gather is for you, but a manifestation of deeper problems. There were things in my life that I couldn't control, but what went into my mouth I could. I wasn't punishing my body, like you are explaining you do, but my body suffered as a consequence of me trying to take control. For me, my body was an innocent victim.
With the "be good to your body and it will be good to you" idea, I was trying to justify the depression one can feel in an ED, and give motivation to make a change. In the anorexic phase my hair started falling out, I came out in eczema all over my body, I had little energy, my periods stopped and all of this, in conjunction with the chemical and hormonal imbalances messed my system up and made me depressed. Similarly, in the EDNOS I am now, my hair is dull, my skin is dry and full of spots, my face is puffy, I feel lethargic, and my biochemistry is still all wrong. Again, this, as well as the fact that my social life has gone down the drain, is getting me down.
You CAN get attention for looking good rather than being on your deathbead. For a brief phase of a few months in this horrid ED journey, I made my mind up to treat myself well. I ate well, drank lots of water, and felt happy. Without changing ANYTHING in my physical appearance (no weight change, no hair-dos, no change of wardrobe etc.), people started commenting on how good I looked. I got SO much attention, and not because I was looking frail and unwell, but because I was glowing with health and happiness.
I DON'T know your story, Therese, and so I can't really comment on your case. But I do think that it's not your body that is to blame and punish like you do, but your head that's messing with you. In fact, I'm sure of it.
Its taken me three years to get to that point. People do still care about you. Those who are your true friends will ALWAYS care for you. Please keep hope. It will get better.I know it doesnt seem that way now but if you keep holding on something will happen which makes you realise that you can be loved without having to have an ED
because you deserve better than this.
because there are things worth getting better for, even if they seem tiny at first.
any news on the hospital?
JaneyS. Your idea about some sort of chart with "good" /"bad" days has inspired me to do the same. I too am artistic, and I am known for making diagrams and charts and organising things nice and neatly. My only problem is sticking to them!!!
I'm submitting my PhD thesis in early July, and the next two months are going to be tough. I know anorexia is ready to pounce on me as things will get tougher, so I hope this plan is going to help me. 11 weeks worth of shedule are now on my wall, allowing for my exercise and studying, and also space for a green sticker for a "good day" and a red for a "bad day". A red sticker will go on the chart when I have succumbed to my ED habits.
Hopefully, by the end of these two months, I'll have a completed thesis and a wall full of green stickers.
Come on Therese, we can't let the ED win.
But also, isn't quantifying our behaviour as good or bad some of the problem? Like, if we'd never fallen into the trap of thinking x body shape is good or bad, and then x food is good or bad, I reckon we'd all be doing the stuff that the EDs interfere with (like ruling the world, judging by the amount of woman-hours, discipline and mental toughness that is collectively present!)I mean the ED has multiple aspects - one is the behaviours associated - which we have all (grudgingly) agreed to change. But what about the thoughts that facilitate them? I know that grading myself is certainly one of the ED enabling conditions of my mental attitude - I wonder if it is one of yours? Dump the red and green and just buy some gorgeous, glittery stars and give yourself one everyday for making it to the end despite a whole load crap and a Phd to hand in.
CBT!
But I am desparately trying to change, and trying things that seem to have worked for others in the hope that they might work for me...
Plodding Hippo - what's CBT?