Eating disorders article

[Deleted User]

see i think i must be an awful freak then because i eat a lot, not crap but alot and during my self (with alot of g.p chick help) refeeding i read an excellent sports nutrition book and every day i allow myself a bit of junk 10% of my daily intake, sometimes i go over it and feel guilty and have all these rules about getting 1500mg of calcium coz of ammenhorrea and 86g of protein coz of endurance and at least 8 portions of fruit and veg and lots of whole grain etc, but i have to be able to exercise and i train alot and am wondering if any medic (hippo!!) or sports nutritionist can tell me this, i recently read bout a man who had gained stone in yr though only eating 1350 cals and lots of train, they found his body had a metab 30%lower than usual, i think this could be me i train to nearly 3500 cals but dont eat that many though i think i would be better at times everything and recovery if i did and am wondering if i build up like 100cals extra a week (eating about 2250-2600 depending on day) if i can fool my body into accepting cals or will my metab be forever screwed, do ye know or can ye ask one of the other nutritiony peopl! WELLLLLL done on CHOC and CHEESE power to the free will!!!!

Slugsta

Anyone mind if I say 'Hello?'.

I saw a patient yesterday, a 'middle-aged' lady who wanted help with her ED. She has seen a counsellor for several years until discharged earlier this year, but doesn't really feel that she got any ED specific help. She binges but doesn't purge any more. She has been very obese in the past but lost the excess weight a while ago so now looks 'normal' to the outside world, although the weight is creeping on again. She has struggled with her ED for 30 years and is starting to dispair of ever beating it.

I cried when she had gone - not because I am a caring health professional (God forbid. LOL!) but because that lady could have been me. Her story mirrors mine so closely.

Something that Thereese said rings bells - perhaps my weight is the only way I have of signalling distress? I'm so used to being 'strong', 'capable', 'dependable' etc, it's hard to tell people how weak I really am. A good friend did challenge me recently as I let something slip. He siad that I have been a good friend to him and he wants to be the same for me. But I can't do it! Our time together is when I listen to his problems, not talk about my insecurities. If I did that he might start viewing me differently. Heaven knows, I might even have to admit to being human!

[Deleted User]

Slugsta -

Even though I am still suffering with my ED, the best thing I ever did was open up to my boyfriend. Like you, I always seem so together, so controlled over what I do, and like you I was terrified that if I opened up to him he'd see me as this freak, as this weak person. I thought he'd be disgusted and run a mile, but instead it has brought us closer together. Opening up to him has been the best thing I have ever done. Not only does he not find me repulsive, but he has supported me, and urged me to find help. He has been there when I've been down, and he loves me despite everything.

I say talk to him. You'll be amazed what a relief you'll feel. By the sounds of it, you've been a wonderful friend to him, and I am sure he wants to reciprocate everything you've done for him.

[Deleted User]

hi slugsta. em i can relate to that one, i think there is a kind of pecking order with talking to people. i ahve been doing a lot of work with my doc and have worked this out. I unfortunatley can become quite dependant on people who care for me and needed to c why. I can talk to my doctor and some of my friends but if my doctor ever got upset about me it would completely undermine my trust in her and i couldn talk to her any more because i would see her as weak and vulnerable. this is why i cannot confide in my mom because she would get so upset if she saw how much everthing was really hurting, but God when i was thin my hurt was unmistakable, it hurt people to look at me so frail.... there are friends who'l talk to me and i can listen to them but once i have heard their probs i wont confide in them, i dont think its fair to reload on someone when they're in distress so il find my rock USUALLY DOCTORS!! they're great because theyre so objective and dont get emotional (not in front of me anyway!!) and help to solve things. so go find someone you respect and trust and consider strong but who wont emotionally blow up on you, empathy is one thing but stability is def necessary well for me anyway.... you can always talk to me email me or whatever coz i can be objective i dont reload because i have my person....i call it the "Circle of eating disorder life!!!!". you to me , me to someone else, them to someone else again like that film with haley joel osmond....pay it forward!

[Deleted User]

My boyfriend has NEVER emotionally blown up on me. He has been my rock all the way. It's been over a year and a half now, and I've done so much wingeing about my weight and my food, I've done so much crying, I've been so awkward, but he's not flinched once. If anything, he's become stronger about it. He's gone away and read about it - he's read articles, books, forums, he's read the lot. All to be better able to help me. Sure, he hasn't had the medical knowledge to help me, but he's been there to bring me up when I was feeling down, and I think that in our situation we need at least one person just like that.

[Deleted User]

see what works for one person wont for another the other thing is that has he got a serious problem that you'v helped him with??? in the above msg your saying about how you whine and whinged etc but if there was a serious prob with him which he started confiding in you about then you would prob back off a little, coz while he's your rick he prob relays his probs onward also!

Slugsta

I know what you are saying Therese, it seems wrong to 'burden' someone with your problems when they already have a lot to deal with - but sometimes I know that is just an excuse too! One problem is that I know my Doc socially (I work in the same area) and he's really proud of me for having 'beaten' this - only I haven't.......

[Deleted User]

It has worked both ways. I confided in him, but he has also opened up about something of his own too. I know that he's not perfect (as I am presuming you want your confidant to be), and I accept his weaknesses and faults, just as he accepts mine. But there is an understanding between us, and while I know he is "only human" (just like any of us - even your doctors! they are not gods, you know...), when I am down in the dumps he puts aside all his weaknesses and insecurities, forgets all his needs, and puts me first. Now, I don't know any doctor who would do that for you.

Sure, I totally agree that we are all different, and we seek different support from different sources, and different sources have different abilities to help. Perhaps Slugsta shouldn't talk to her friend. I just wanted to say my story and say how it helped me. If she doesn't want to, then that's her choice.

Duck Girl

Therese - i don't know about that. The person i talk most to about depression etc has recently admitted that he's struggling with some things himself - this is after knowing him for 3 yrs & my talking to him about stuff for 2. i think he was rather surprised by just how unsurprised i was about it all - i'd seen this coming practically since we'd met, and he'd thought that by not actually saying anything then i wouldn't work it out myself - which definitely didn't work. if anything i was relived when he actually started talking about some of this stuff because i'd seen it building for so long that it was better to have it in the open, and also to know that he was getting help.
we've also been able to have much more useful conversations since he started being more open, partly 'cos i'm not trying to second-guess everything all the time, and partly because finding shared experiences and ways of coping, and even shared downs, is just a lot less lonely.

Duck Girl

anyway, what i was trying to say - it can be a relief on both sides to finally be honest. and in my experience it definitely makes for a closer friendship and more trust.

[Deleted User]

My thoughts exactly, duck girl. Although our problems are very different, the conversations we have had have been a learning curve for both of us. And like duck girl and I have experienced, it has made for a tighter, closer relationship.

And going back to you Slugsta, I think if your friend already has some incline about your problem, then keeping the whole story from him will make him feel less of a friend to you. He knows that you are not being open, that you are keeping things to yourself. Maybe he will feel like he is not good enough for you to trust him...And as Duck Girl pointed out, the usefulness of conversations is questionable, as there's lots of guesswork and assumptions going on.

[Deleted User]

mmmmmmmm

Jo, your boyfriend sounds wonderful

[Deleted User]

wow chalk it down its good to have someone to go through it with but sometimes the closer you get with someone the harder it can be to show how much its hurting coz you know they want so much for you to get better. like last yr i was still in bad way physically though eating fine and my mum found a lump, the minute she told me i did 2 things, i realised i had to try so hard to get out of this and i decided that she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, i speak so much on this site and ye have helped me so much along with doc ( who is human but demonstrated appropriate emotion at apt time) so she sees me coming round( sometimes) but i dont have to land it all on her. clearly slug you respect this person, and what a great friend you are for taking it all on, if you feel he cant take it dont talk find a different wall to bounce it off, if he's ok then do. but just be aware that sometimes 2 people in a bad situation can be wonderful motivation to get better but they can also destroy eachother

[Deleted User]

(oooops- I'd put some text in brackets in my previous post, which made the rest of the text go into italics, and the text disappeared....anyway, what it said in a nutshell was that all this is an OPINION, I am not trying to hand out advice)

Plodding Hippo - yes, he IS wonderful. He's a gem. With scratches, of course, but just as precious!

[Deleted User]

I have to throw my (quite normal hahahahahha) weight behind the idea of confiding in your friend. The very first step toward actuall recovery for me is publicly admitting I had a problem. Before then it was like some dirty crazy secret that I felt if people knew it would make me too vulnerable and too unbearable to them. Not so! It began the process of normalisation, really, it means that I don't have to make up elaborate excuses as to why I won't eat the gorgeous meal I've been cooked by someone or won't go out for dinner (invites to which I always used to supsect as being secret plans to force me to eat - not that I'm gyroscopically self centred or anything). On difficult days I get to just say, 'do you know what? I'm just not able to eat that today'. And people are way cool about it! And they don't - as I feared they would - frown and sulk and try to force/ trick me into eating. They've only ever pulled that kind of stuff when I've been claiming to be 'fine - just not hungry thanks' when it's clear I haven't eaten for a week! Sometimes we even joke about it (help! help! There's some sugar!) which actually takes so much of the emotional heat out of it all, and makes the whole phobia so much less powerful. Being public means I don't have to manage a facade (by loudly talking about how much I eat/ love x or y food) and manage an ED that I know is destructive.

As for the whole reciporacal weakness thing, well, I just think everyone is just doing the best they know how to do (including us EDers) and that's not always as functional and healthy as we like to project onto the world and imagine them to be. I'm acutely aware of how dysfunctional my coping strategy is - some people aren't so clear, but then you can't really miss an EDer (unless she stands behind a lamppost, of course). Everyone does their shit, including and not limited to those in the healthcare profession. To imagine they don't would be to set up an unobtainable model of being for myself - part of the kind of thinking that got me in the ED club to start with.

Tell your mate. It'll be a relief. You can start pointing and laughing at chocolate, which in my experience is one step off eating it without a scary binge.

Duck Girl

black humour good :¬)

Slugsta

Thanks for your input guys. I value your opinions and advice, even if I don't follow it! This did get me thinking about who I can confide in, even if it's not the mate I spoke of. As a result I have talked about this to Mr Slug more over the past 24 hours than ever before. The problem there is that he is on a different planet emotionally and he really has no idea of what I'm talking about. I do have a very good girl friend though and I've been through some dark places with her in the past. Praps the world wouldn't tumble down around my ears if I talked to her....

Anyway, don't want to hi-jack the thread. I'm actually feeling rather more positive having worked out what caused me to wobble the other day. I ate everything in sight for a few hours. I stopped. Sh*t happens and today's a new day.

[Deleted User]

well done, slugsta. i think that the 'sh*t happens and today's a new day' idea is a useful one. don't know about other e.d. sufferers, but part of getting over this is learning to be human again and accepting that on the road to recovery i may stumble at times and lapse into behaviour i am trying to put behind me. these episodes are becoming fewer and fewer, thank god.

wedders, it's lovely to not hide behind excuses anymore. it's surprised me how accepting people are of my odd relationship with food and how tolerant, especially because they know that i do want to get better. if i'm going to someone's for a meal, they will happily let me eat my 'safe' foods and not question that. humour's a great way through too - a mate saw me out running, remarked that i looked fast and asked me if i'd seen a calorie!

[Deleted User]

ha ha i love black humor too, it was windy recently and my sis and bro said i better not go out as i mite get blown away!!! or the girls used slag me in resturaunts when id ask for no dressinf chicken salad, they throw in a "low calorie lettuce" too!! its ben a while since i was living on salads though! my days are all a big stumble and lapse with the odd forward movement but its continuously overshadowed by the ed, i cant win and iv stopped confiding in my friends because of the fear that they will just stop caring, it easier to play things on and not wear people down and if i drop i drop, at least they'l think i was happy and have a few good memories of me and not think i was torn to shreds in the end!!

[Deleted User]

Heya, am new on this site so sorry for butting in. I've had anorexia for 5yrs, being underweight has made my brain shot to s**t so suffer OCD as well (when brain's starved of nutrients, goes into what computers' would know as "safety mode", whereby all normal routines become frozen and any deviant thinking becomes "enemy". So in other words, I live everyday almost exactly the same as the last, coz it's the only way my brain knows how to function at the mo, it can't deal with change. Interestingly, when I went into hospital/got to higher weight, my cognitive patterns were "significantly improved" - in other words, I didn't spaz out over the tiniest deviation to my routines, or even a reasonably large one.) I use exercise to burn off the cals I eat, I admit that freely - but have recently gotten so pig-sick of doing this, coz I used to enjoy exercise so much when I started in earnest (just before got ill, at 16.) I used to jog outside, it was more recreational than anything, but I was hell-bent also on looking good for my Year11 Prom. Damnit - I'm a perfectionist, always have been, everything's all-or-nothing for me. So when ppl said, "Wow Rai, you've lost weight, you're looking great!" my immediate reaction was, of course - s**t, must've looked AWFUL before. But I've only ever been a Size14 at my largest (14yrs old, puppyfat an' all) and was a skinny kid (Grandad called me "Toast-Rack" where my ribs stuck out, so I called him "Bouncycastle", no prizes for why ;-) I used to do ballet as a kid, too - u'd think that'd make me body-conscious, but it didn't. I was always a "tomboy", always climbing trees/fighting/running/scarbbling in dirt, etc. Who sez only boys get the fun? I never wanted to grow up, or be a woman. Add to this conconction the fact I've been sexally abused at differing levels of intimacy since age 6 by various guys/girls (the worst was at 15, by a supposed girlmate and her older b/f) and u've got a wonderful recipe for Anorexia/compulsive exercise. They're my key tools in managing my life; I'm terrified of the world, in general, so just delay having to "grow up" and head out into it by being ill. Or, that's how its been these past 5yrs. Now, I'm sick to the backteeth of it, went back to college in 2004 to do A levels, just finished, am about to start my exams next week (argh!) Stress levels are going thro the roof, coupled with the fact my routines are changing coz no more college, so my immediate reaction is - how will this affect my exercise?! Always is this way. God, sorry, I'm waffling so much, am incapable of short msgs. Better wrap this one up.

[Deleted User]

Hello Rai you sound just like us. Well done on the whole back to education thing. Exams and stuff are stressful but just remember, it's only a few weeks - try not to give yourself a hard time for using your most trusted coping strategies over the few weeks. Maybe if you don't give those thoughts so much attention - and even 'oh I shouldn't think this' is attention, - the exams will pass and you'll be ready to be mindful of your attitudes again. It's probably ok to not get better every single day - I know the two forward, one back, quick sprint and a fall over path is working for me. And you could probably use the mental energy you save by refusing to fight yourself to concentrate on doing useful things for your exams - studying when you are studying, being interested and involved in your friends when you are with them, fervently hoping noone catches you when you are watching crap on the telly, and so forth.

[Deleted User]

<big sigh> i'm having a bad day...

been on a bit of a high lately and now am having the inevitable low. didn't get to run much this week - mum's not been well, so no babysitter for my girl - just ate a 'bad' food and feeling desperate to get rid of it. god knows why my brain's wired up this way.

anyway, thought it'd help to tell people who understand rather than go and undo all the progress i've made in the last few weeks, if you get what i mean.

thanks for listening to my whinging.

L x

[Deleted User]

Hi, I know just what you mean. ive not run as much as i should have done this week so am feeling pretty naff. added to that the fact that my bulimia has decided to come back after id thought it was gone for good and so im feeling pretty fat too!!!


but your right - it is good to talk rather than go and have a binge or whatever.

[Deleted User]

Word to the wise, 'Tasha - this sort of thing is never "gone for good". It creeps up on u when ur at ur most stressed - it's a coping mechanism, nothing more. There's no "demon" on ur shoulder (as they taught me in hospital), it's simply UR particular way of dealing with trouble and stressful times, and it'll keep reappearing whenever these occur. Sorry to be such a downer, but that's the way it works. Alcoholcis, drug addicts - the addiction's all the same, just a different medium. They can't simply have "one drop" or "one hit", coz they'll fall off the wagon most of the time - same with us, one little period of starvataion/bingeing and it's, "well, that wasn't so bad, I feel better now", and it starts happening all over again.

Don't beat urself up about it, it's just the way we cope. The POSITIVE thing to do is recognize that it never fully goes away, u'll probly always have a disordered mindset regarding eating - but if u can find OTHER ways of dealing with stress, while remembering to keep ur toe on the line and recognize warning signs of old (negative) habits coming back, u should be able to deal better with life.

Happychap

I'm having a nightmare too. After months of being injured and unable to run I have put loads of weight on. It came to me the other day that the solution was to purge and hurrah! Here I am again back to square one.

[Deleted User]

i really can't see a time that i won't have an eating disorder in some form or another, which is quite a scary thought. feel worse when i b/v these days, whereas i used to feel great afterwards. guess i have to admit that after all these years of abuse my body's had enough of it. am much worse because i've not been running at all this week and i feel wretched, my head's all over the place right now and i don't feel that i can control anything, in short am a depressed miserable waste of forum space today (sorry, guys ;-) would be such a relief to know that i have my e.d. to turn to.

it is a comfort to know that others out there have all these eating problems to put up with too!

thanks for being there.
Lxx

[Deleted User]

yeah, i know they never really go away. But i guess once youve convinced others(eg friends parents) that its gone its easy to start believing it yourself! ive always known it was still there lurking in the background i just foolishly hoped it would never resurface. Its hard trying to live with it and lead a normal life. acting like your "normal" again. thing is you put on such a good act even those closest to you ignore signs that things arent quite right. though maybe its better that way?

[Deleted User]

i think you may be right. my eating disorder was often fuelled by people's reaction to my weight loss and abnormal attitude towards food, so people just accepting my idiosyncracies and allowing me to get better whilst not forcing the issue has been invaluable in getting to where i am (i won't say 'in my recovery' because on days like today i don't think that a recovery really does exist per se). it's more about finding coping strategies these days, because the way to making me feel better really doesn't lie in the toilet pan or in the bottom of a plastic bag (oh, how i've looked ;-). this week has been dreadful because i've not been running and that means that my sense of achievement and progress has slipped somewhat, guess it's important to bear in mind that bad weeks are just that and once they're gone they should be forgotten as much as is possible.

i guess it does depend on how "abnormal" things become and whether or not things can be resolved without asking for help...

Hannabelle

I've just read back over this, and been in tears as I recognise a lot of my behaviour traits. I was/am anorexic from my mid teens, and my worst time was when I was 22 (5 years ago) when I was 6 1/2 stone I'm 5'5". I'm now aroun 9 1/2 stone, and have started to obsess about my weight/food intake again. I don't know why it's started so I don't know how to stop it. I went out on a forum social last night and got so terrified at the thought of eating in front of 7 other people that I ended up with crippling stomach pains, so I COULDN'T eat. I don't know what I hope to gain by posting this, but it has given me hope seeing that others have the same issues and relapses. I've never had any help with this and really think I should.