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WISE WORDS.......
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You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
*
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am I married the wrong man."
*
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
*
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
*
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
*
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
*
>A young son asked,
> "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son"
*
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
*
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
*
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
*
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
*
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am I married the wrong man."
*
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
*
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
*
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
*
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
*
>A young son asked,
> "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son"
*
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
*
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
*
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
*
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
The materials in this website are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor, qualified personal trainer, therapist, dietitian or nutritionist Runners's World, Part of the Hearst UK well-being network © Copyright 2017
Comments
Marriage is not just a word, it's also a sentence.
Second marriage - the triumph of hope over experience.
Divorce - word is derived from an old Latin root meaning "to rip out a man's wallet via his genitals".
Cynical, moi?
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be
in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear
from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she
whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time
of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years
ago when we were dating in high school....you were 16 and I was 18?" he
asks
solemnly. "Yes,I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or
I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied
softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today".
It is perfectly possible to have an amicable divorce. Even two.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asks him what he might need it for.
"Well" says the guy, "I want to poison my wife".
"I am sorry Sir," says the pharmacist "but you will have to understand that, under the circumstances, it is impossible for me to sell you the cyanide."
The guy reaches in to his wallet and pulls out a picture of his wife and quietly lays it on the sales counter.
The pharmacist blushes and politely remarks "I'm sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription".
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in
the front row stood up and said, "Wedding Cake".
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk. He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no.
I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I
poisoned you."
"I'd love to be eight again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear
-
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the
theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with
extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest StarWars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What
a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story:
Even when the man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong!!!
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the
bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet
was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove
it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded
him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he
felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car
trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." "Shot
with a ..416 rifle."
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and
went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I know I was drunk
last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a
Ferrari and a boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures
of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Oh bugger!
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
What I want to know is, why the f**k do they call it "The change"?
(why did I swap wife 1 for a younger model, so I get the "pleasure" of the change twice !!!!)
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
The sex is the same, but the washing up piles up.
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in two KGs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with funny, handsome personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blowdry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained two stone.
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
7:30 Candle-lit dinner for two, followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp new white linen)
11:00 Pillowtalk. Light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
The Perfect Day for Him.
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 B*owjob.
6:30 Massive satisfying dump, while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench, who bends over a lot, showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several rums/ bourbons en route to airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort golf club (b*owjob en route)
9:45 Play front nine - Two under.
11:45 Lunch: Pie, chips and gravy, three lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon (1969).
12:15 B*owjob.
12:30 Play back nine - Four under.
2:15 Limo back to airport - Several rums/ bourbons.
2:30 Flight to Madeira.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female crew, all nude, who also bend over a lot, displaying growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 pounds) on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Kirsty Gallacher (bending over displaying growler, naturally).
6:45 S*it, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news. Michael Jackson killed by Bubbles. Ministry of Transport bombed. GATSOs declared illegal by High Court judge. Greenpeace disbands.
7:30 Dinner: Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream, served on a big pair of t*ts.
9:00 Napolean brandy and a Cuban cigar in front of wall-sized television where England retain the Ashes for 10th time in a row.
9:30 Sex with three women (all with l*sbian tendencies, some bending over to display growlers).
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11:30 A nightcap b*owjob.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A twelve second f*rt, which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room.